THE PROBLEM WITH KIDS...

We parents have a tendency to judge whether or not we've done a good job by how our kids are doing. But that perspective ignores the very real fact that our children have minds of their own. They make choices and, particularly when they're adults, those choices determine what they do with their lives.

But we stubbornly feel that when our kids do badly, we must some how be responsible.When people do really good things or really bad things--like the theater massacre in Aurora--that their parents are somehow to blame. There is no question that as parents, we have a lot of impact. Massive impact. This doesn't mean, however, that our children don't determine their own futures.

Raising children is incredibly complicated. They yell "no!" at you when they're two years-old and stubbornly refuse to pick up their shoes when they're twelve.  They're always there when you have your most difficult moments; always underfoot when you are most frustrated. This is in the nature of the job and sometimes the job sucks. It isn't for everyone.

No matter how we look at it, you can't assume complete responsibility for how they turn out.

Parents tend to torture themselves if their kids fail to flourish or if they do awful things, but we as parents can only be responsible for our own actions. How you lived and parented is more a reflection of you than how your child decides to function eventually. Confession Moment--I happen to have two daughters who are pursuing major education. One is earning a Ph.D. in psychology and the other is training as a medical doctor. Big goals. There are moments when I'm asked if I'm proud of them and I always hesitate in my answser. On the one hand, they are each very successful in their educations and will probably be terrific in their future jobs. On the other hand, I can't pat myself on the back because of their achievements. They've both worked really hard to get where they are and they've both dealt with big challenges along the way. (Sadly, they'll both graduate with a mountain of education-related debt, too.) Even though they are terrific people, they've made choices that have been seriously painful for me. They have the right to direct their lives and, because I love them, I care about their lives.

I applaud their successes and rejoice in these, but I can't take responsibility for them. I feel good about my part in their achievements--I made sure they learned to read well. This took some doing, but we met with success. I was massively determined to help in this area and I feel really good about what I did. There are parenting moments I don't feel as good about, too. We all have these.

Whether children who grow into adults do well or fail miserably, we parents can only give ourselves credit or grief for the role we played.

SCORCHED-EARTH DIVORCES

When a marriage ends, people typically have lots of emotions. Sometimes the relief they feel is mixed with sorrow; the anger and loss can be mixed with excitement. Life will definitely be different. Sadly, some individuals turn these feelings into rage, particularly if they didn’t want the marriage to end. Then, we can end up with divorces that leave nothing behind, but destruction.

 Loss leads to rage and even rational, usually functional people can turn into beasts.

If you’ve been involved with one of these situations, you know what I’m talking about. Lawyers love you because you’ll spend enormous amounts of money to keep a much-loved pet from an ex or a vacation home that the two of you shared.  This kind of divorce is filled with powerful emotions and it can lead those involved to taking drastic steps.

Scorched-earth divorces make headlines and sometimes in the grip of this loss, people commit felonies. Losing love is hard. It feels like a chunk of your soul has been torn out. The distress and loneleness you feel seems more bearable if it turns to rage against another person. This kind of anger indicates how much pain is inside. Relationshiops are complicated and challenging, but how you leave can directly affect your ability to move forward.

No matter what the other person has done, your most important concern is yourself. You want to move forward and to do this, you need to examine your own behavior. It’s easier to see the other person’s bad choices, but marriage is a 50/50 deal. Even if only by what you didn’t do, you contributed to the relationship. Learn the lessons you need to learn if you don’t want to be here again. Look at yourself in the cold light of day and ask yourself what you’d do differently, if you had it to do over. 

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“Dear Counselor,

I’m totally stuck.

My husband since recently wants me badly to get divorced just because he feels we got married so early(we got married when I was 21 and he was 23) and we didn’t taste anything in life. He says he wants to start a ‘new life’ and doesn’t wanna get married till he is fully satisfied with his desires. He says he wants to be free to do whatever he wants and doesn’t wanna be worried that someone is waiting for him.

Except financial problems, we don’t have much problems.

We live in a traditional country and since I already have one sister divorced, my mother doesn’t let me get divorced, too. What should I do?”—Totally Stuck

*

Dear Totally Stuck,

You mentioned what your husband has said he wants and you told me what your mother wants, but you didn’t say what you want. This is important. Your mom’s feelings are understandable—she’s concerned with her own reputation, I’m guessing—but isn’t this your choice. Did your sister need her approval to end her marriage?

As determined as your husband sounds, I can’t see how this could be a good situation for you. Being married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you isn’t any fun.

You asked me what I think you should do, but I think it’s most important for you to ask yourself what you want to do? Unless this will be bad for you, end the marriage if it isn’t working for you. Even in a traditional country, you can’t live to please your mother.

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP DETERMINED BY HISTORY?

When counseling with individuals about relationship problems, I frequently hear, "We knew each other since we were kids. I've known him(or her) forever." This is almost invariably uttered when clients attempt to tell me why they're still in a troubled relationship. (I always ask why people have continued these involvements, as their answers can be revealing to both them and me.) In some cases, they simply tell me that they love their partners and can't imagine life without them, which is a good place to start from.
This sense of shared history feeds large chunks of Facebook users and gives some a sense of continuity and security--even when there was no security originally and the history is deeply flawed. Somehow, having known an individual for a period of time seems to link folks together, even when what they've mostly shared is trouble. They feel connected. The stories abound of couples reunited after years of pursuing other relationships. People meet again at reunions; they track each other down via the internet; they meet again by chance. The reason for the original split may have been forgotten, may no longer exist or they simply might have been young and needed to gain life experience.

Even when you weren't friends--years back--with someone you knew, the sense of time can link you.

This time-linked phenomena can work against people, too. Parents grieving the loss of a child may separate because memories of the living child--and reminders of the painful loss-exist everyday with the other parent. Parents often split after the death of a child. It's just too painful.

Memory-connections typically bring comfor, though. Even when that comfort isn't valid and you aren't safe. By all means, fulfill your urge to connect to your past--but don't forget what actually existed there and don't assume that history won't repeat itself. In fact, you should assume that this is a possibility and if you've had a conflicted, difficult history, look before leaping.

Be aware of making sure the things that initially troubled you are now different, either in yourself of in the other person. You might have been young and stupid. Maybe you didn't recognize gold when you saw it. Maybe the other person made mistakes they now regret. If so, this needs to be said. Ignoring old ghosts can bring you to an even greater sorrow.

Clear the air and realize that history doesn't determine anything. The choices you both make now can bring you joy or regret. Shared history can be a lovely thing, giving you lots to talk and reminisce about. It can also be harsh. Protect yourself by checking to see which is which.

DON'T GIVE UP YET

“Dear Dr. Doss,

I am 19 years old and currently living alone right now. I live in Texas, but I'm originally from California (where I'd rather be). For several years since I moved to Texas- around my freshman year of high school- I've felt like my family has... drifted apart. I've heard that that's normal... but to me, it doesn't seem that way. My mom remarried sometime last year and her new husband is a great guy, however, every time I've tried to have a conversation he'd make a joke about it. My younger brother is 15 years old; he's doing okay, but I feel like I don't really know him anymore... I know it's because he's a teenager, but it's getting harder for me to get along with him. My point is, ever since my grandpa passed away several years ago and, I guess, since my mom, brother, and I moved to Texas, we've been acting less and less like a family. We don't do the things we used to do, we rarely talk to each other, I always feel like no one's interested in what I have to say, and around the holidays.... I feel like the only one who's having fun. I've thought about counseling before, but my family acts like this is no problem; that everything is fine right now. I also don't know how to bring it up without starting an argument. I wish I could tell them what's on my mind, but... it's tough. What do you think I should do? I'm starting to run out of options. “—Wanting to Understand My Family * Dear Wanting, I’m sorry this is such a difficult time for you and your family. You heard correctly. Some family drifting apart is normal when teens reach your age. The structure of parents/children is different as the kids near adulthood. Growing teens need to separate from parents as they get ready to launch into being adults and many parents have put their own needs on the back burner to raise their children. Sometimes this is a rough transition for everyone and siblings are in the middle, with everyone trying to figure out the lives they want. Your family has also had some big changes—the loss of a grandparent and a move to another state. These can have a major impact. It may seem like your mom and step-dad are less involved—less connected to you—and they probably actually are. The life phase ahead of you is filled with uncertainty and, often, self-doubt. It’s not just your family, you’re different, too, even if you don’t want to be. This scary time is the moment for you to invest in yourself. Go to school. Get a good career foundation and don’t make any relationship commitments for a time. Don’t get married right now and don’t have a child. These may feel like anchors when you’re blowing in the wind, but you don’t need to hide. You’re okay even if you don’t feel that way. This awkward moment won’t last. You and your brother will develop a new rhythm, as will you and your mom. Believing in yourself when you feel scared is really hard, but the scared feeling isn’t the full picture. You can do this…and your family connections will probably just rearrange themselves. Give it some time and don’t feel you need to “confront” anyone now. Nothing good will come of it. * Don’t Give Up Parenting Adolescents can be a real pain. They don’t pick up their clothes, expect you to cater to them and act like they don’t care about anything. As a parent, this is a maddening time. Some kids make big, bad, scary choices, even though you’ve warned them. You may have poured yourself into the parent role, given until you aren’t sure you have anything left to give. You probably feel like it’s time to put yourself at the top of the list. You’ve given your kid a cell phone(may need you in emergencies) and maybe even a car. He’s got friends and school activities and he probably seems like he doesn’t need anything more from you than the occasional cash infusion and clean clothes. Still, don’t stop parenting. He’s facing huge decisions and he needs you now more than ever, even if the little jerk doesn’t act like he appreciates you.  Ask your kid about his life and his friends and his interests. Go to movies with him(if he’ll have you), even if you have no interest in the movies he likes. Occasionally watch with him the television shows he watches. Ask about his plans for the future. It’s tempting to lecture about all this, to share your hard-earned wisdom and to tell him what he should do next. Don’t. He’ll just tune you out. This is the hardest part of parenting—the part where you need to believe in him. I’ll say it again because it’s so massively important—Believe in him. Even if he makes stupid choices and drives faster than you’d like, he’s a smart cookie. He needs to know you see him this way. He needs to see himself this way. It may help him to stop and consider his choices. Don’t try to smooth his consequences(as a parent, this is hard) because he needs them to learn this way, not that way. Love him fiercely and position yourself on the sidelines. You’re the cheerleader now, you don’t need to rush into the game.

IN PRAISE OF FOSTER PARENTS

Lately, foster parents have been getting really bad press, what with cases like Jerry Sandusky molesting the foster kid he adopted. The foster system isn't always pretty. There certainly are bad people in the system and some are just trying to get money, housing foster kids for the cash, but I feel the need to point out that foster parents often do a very difficult job. These people take into their homes the traumatized and challenging children who are often victims of parental drug abuse, suffering trauma, neglect and sexual abuse. They've typically seen some very scary things.
As a therapist, I work with foster kids, but after sessions, I get to go home to my sane home. This isn't true of foster parents. They're truly on the front lines. They deal with troubling, annoying, frustrating behaviors from kids who are struggling. Some parents foster throughout their adult lives, beginning when their own kids are young. They bring into their homes the battered and disadvantaged among us.

Yes, some foster parents are bad. I've heard about some really sad situations. But the greater majority of people who foster, do it because they want to help to kids who've never known what it is to be valued. Too many children do without basic parenting, often not having food, suffering from fear, abuses of various kinds and being exposed to every level of crime.

By it's very nature, childhood is a vulnerable, often powerless time. Even kids from loving, invested homes must deal with the fact that they're smaller and weaker and they need us grown ups. Talk about a power differential! No wonder they can be a pain in the neck. They're trying to find a voice and sometimes this can be in really frustrating ways. Just ask a parent who's kids won't eat, sleep or go poop where they're supposed to. Maddening.

Anytime a person is weak, they try to find some way to feel power. It's natural.

Add this to the mix of bad behaviors that foster kids have seen and you have a difficult parenting situation. Foster parents take kids into their home and love them. This means following through to give consequences for good or bad choices. This means knowing that who peed on the floor isn't as important as helping them clean it up. It means not worrying about trying to get the kid to tell the truth when you saw them make the mess with your own eyes. This kind of loving really requires looking past the present behavior and trying  be part of the solution, instead of trying  to decide who's right. It also means consistency and reliability, things that most foster kids haven't had.

I think most foster parents deserve the highest respect. They aren't perfect, but they're doing vital, life-changing work.

DRIVE OR DRIFT?

You're a grown up now. You don't have summers off to swim and play and now you have to find your own path. So do you drift or drive?
When college graduates get a degree and move out into the world, they often have big debt, but no real direction. This is difficult, considering the job market, and even more sad when individuals have chosen college majors poorly. The issue of what career path to take is a very personal matter and it's often complicated by our lack of knowing ourselves.

We don't really know what's most validating for us.

Some have grown up in the current bubble of childhood where parents work hard at getting you to play dates and sports activities. You may or may not have learned the value of work. Lots of people hate having to clock in and put their noses to the grindstone. Some just don't know which grindstone is best for them. This confusion and reluctance can lead to a bad case of personal drift.

Early work has been frowned upon and legislated against since children were forced to work the fields at young ages. This was a legitimate concern. Good childhood development requires unstructured time to play. (Actually play time is important to adults, too. Sadly, adult play not usually refers to situations involving alcohol or pot, rather than actual play.) But just as important as play is the opportunity to work as a teen.

In the best of worlds, teens get to try on various jobs to see which they hate and which they like. They need to find their own directions and this kind of "job trial" helps. Hanging out in a video arcade just won't provide these benefits.

Years ago, when my own daughters were teens, summers were long and they were looking for a way to earn some pocket change. This was the scenario that led to my younger daughter doing a few plumbing jobs with her father. Lots of moms and dads have jobs that don't allow them to bring their kids along, but Roger's did.

When this daughter came home after a day spent crawling through the mud under an old house, she announced in a deadpan voice that now she knew she didn't want to be a plumber.

Aside from the amusing aspects of this pronouncement, it showed real learning. We need to know what we hate and what we love if we have any hope of choosing fulfilling career paths. Getting a handle on where you want to go, helps you to drive toward this goal. Not that we don't need plumbers--we all do--but we want happy plumbers. Those who like their jobs and don't mind crawling under houses, even if this isn't their favorite activity.

After a day of this kind of work, my daughter knew to stay in school. Often when people come to counseling, trying to find the right career path, we start off by listing the things they don't like. This narrows the field.

To create the life you want, you need to know what works for you. Which king of setting is most comfortable and fulfilling. All jobs have irritating moments. Which irritations are you willing to put up with because of other things you get out of your work.

Do you want to drive or drift? Work that fits really well may just come to you. You may drift into a perfect spot. Some people do. But for the rest of us, learning how to drive toward goals is important.

So, find what works for you, even if you have to put up with a heck of a lot of school to get there.

DON'T BE A SIDELINE DAD

We all know that parenting is a very difficult job, but its not very commonly addressed that moms have a bigger role than dads. In previous eras, some moms stayed home and focused on keeping house and parenting the children in the families. Dads made the money and meted out discipline, as in “Just wait until your father gets home.”

When bottles were given and diapers needed to be changed, moms did it. Even in this day of diaper changing stations in men’s rest rooms, it’s not uncommon to see the moms toting the baby carriers, sitting the young child’s high chair next to mom during meals out at restaurants and talk of fathers’ “baby sitting” their own children.

Research repeatedly tells us that fathers are very important to their children. Having an active, involved dad influences whether kids go to college and  has a significant impact on emotional and social wellbeing. Dads matter, but just being in the home won’t produce the good things in kids. Children need to have active parents. Fathers often involve themselves in their kids’ sports activities and this can be great, if dads remember that the point of kids’ sports is the kids experience. It is unfortunate that parents—moms and dads—get so wound up in the winning and losing that their childrens sports end up with the parents yelling at and belittling their children.

Being an active, involved dad means more than going to the kids’ games. Ask about their school experience and offer yourself to assist if the child is open. (Remember, your childs’s academic attainments are not about you; they are about your child learning how to handle life.) You actually need to interact with your children about a variety of things. Play with them—some people love playing games with their children, some love watching kid-friendly television together.

My husband was a rough-and-tumble play dad. Research also tells us that dads are more likely than moms to engage in this kind of play and this was certainly the case in our family. Roger really played with our kids. He’s a very kinesthetic person—a physical guy—and my girls learned to both play and watch sports with him. When they were small, he tossed them in the air and caught them with great ease and skill. My daughters talk fondly of playing with dad.

I came from a very different parenting background. My father was a hard worker who had little time for a girl. He supported our family financially and he was a great provider, but he was a sideline dad, leaving the actual child care to my mother. I loved Roger playing with our girls. I sat and applauded and took lots and lots of  pictures.

Kids need active dads. Don’t just think of yourself as a paycheck. They need you to be in their lives, laughing and playing. Disciplining them when this is called for. They need you and you’ll get a thousand tremendous moments from sharing yourself with them.

 

Roger flipping Ferrin