Dating Down

Don’t pretend you’ve never heard of it. You might have done it yourself--gone out with a guy who has less money and less of a job than you have. Maybe the girl you’re seeing doesn’t have ambitions in life beyond what club she’s going to this evening and you’ve got the next ten years of your life mapped out. You’ve got goals. When you’re dating someone who hasn’t gone to college and you have a master’s degree or someone who lives paycheck to paycheck when you’re bankin’ it—then you’re dating down.

Sometimes this is a power issue. No judgment here, but some folks like feeling in control in relationships. You want the upper hand and earning more money than your partner or having more education can give you a sense of power. A you-need-me-more-than-I-need-you thing. This may sound crappy, but who hasn’t felt vulnerable in a relationship? The sense of possible loss and heartbreak is the risk that comes with love and it sucks.

So, guys with education or jobs that make a good income can be drawn to date girls who never graduated high school. Maybe these girls are younger or have hot bodies, but haven’t worked as hard to develop their work attainments. This is an almost classic trophy-wife scenario in which physical attributes become a commodity. The better a woman looks, the wealthier man she can attract. This goes for men, as well. As women rise in educational and financial skills, they get to choose mates for reasons other than provider potential. They get to date down, too. A successful and/or educated woman can get with a stud even if she’s not the most beautiful woman in the room.

Purchasing power, baby.

While there’s no inherent reason why people of different educational levels or different financial situations can’t work out a good relationship, dating down has some specific challenges attached. If there’s a gulf between your conditions in life, you may feel funny about introducing your current flame to potential clients or to your parents. How does your choice of lover reflect on you? It could make you look powerful and power typically equates to sexy. But when the power in a relationship isn’t shared 50/50, bad things can happen. The more-powerful partner can try to run the show and not listen to the less-powerful partner’s issues. Resentment is a real danger and this poison relationships.

But let’s not be harsh about this. We can’t all date doctors and lawyers. Maybe you’re not even interested in doing this. Sometimes you just want to go out with a guy who’s cute and fun and knows how to have a good time. Who cares what he makes or what your friends will think of him? This might mean dating down or not (doctors can be cute and know how to have fun).

Dating down is a phenomena, though, that some people use to deal with possible relationship issues. This might be a resolution of sorts to your conflict when you’re not sure you can win the hottie you really want, so you settle for someone who’s just okay. It’s one way to deal with a lack of self-confidence. Rejection isn’t fun. By dating down, you can hedge your bets. You take what comes to you, even if it’s not really what you want.

Maybe you’re just out of a bad relationship break-up or your life is in professional crisis. If you think you’re messed up, you might not want to get with someone you really like. You’re too messed up, right now! Later, when you get your crap together, you’ll maybe think about asking out the person you’re really interested in.

Dating down is part of the I-don’t-want-to-be-alone thing. You find a “sub-standard” mate while you recover from a break-up or while you and your ex work out custody of the kids or while you cope with an addiction. The problem here is that how you handle power differentials in any relationship are a reflection of what’s going on with you. Heck, maybe you need to accept being alone for awhile. Maybe you need the silence to be able to hear what's in your head.

Down dating has the possibility of conceiving unintended pregnancies, which makes everything much more complicated.

Maybe who you’re dating is a reflection of your lack of belief in yourself. Or of your desire to make yourself feel better about you, but this sort of situation only brings bigger complications. Dating down doesn’t solve problems. It has it’s own set of issues.

Think about why you’re with who you’re with. It pays to be self-aware.