Divorce Realities

"I care about him," she said, "but I'm just not in love with him anymore. We fight a lot of the time and the feeling between isn't there anymore."

Should you divorce?

Shauna and Parker(not their real names) married right out of college and started careers. After several years, they bought a house in a "good" neighborhood and started a family…six years later, they got tired of the same arguments that flared up, circling around without resolution, and the love between them slowly died. They both loved their kids and neither wanted a broken family, but sometimes it happens. Getting divorced was a way to end the constant fighting. Divorce meant a change in their lifestyles--no more hanging out with other couples on the block--and then there's the reality of single parenthood.

If you're considering a divorce, make sure you're clear on what it means.

Marriage is tremendously complicated. Living with another human being is one of the two most challenging things we humans attempt. The other is raising kids. Both involve the desire to mesh multiple perspectives into a harmonious life. You just want to get along and enjoy one another, but too frequently this isn't the case

If you're considering leaving your marriage, you need to be very clear on the realities of divorce. Your spouse may leave the dishes in the sink for days at a time and he may not want sex as often as you do, but are you prepared to end all contact with him? In today's world, divorce can mean hanging on to a friendship with your former mate. This usually happens when both of you have moved on to new relationships--that diminishes the "hoping to get back together" factor.

More frequently, divorce brings anger and resentment.

You need to ask yourself if you dislike your partner enough to totally disconnect from him and have him out of your life. Or, if you have children together, just do the co-parenting divorce thing together. Are you also ready for the challenges of parenthood on your own if you have kids? Even if you and your ex manage to stop hating each other, those kids are going home with just you. Twenty-four hours a day, sometimes seven days a week, they'll be yours. Of course, Christmas and Thanksgiving will sometimes be child-less days. Divorced couples who share kids can sometimes quiet the anger in the best interests of the children. Sometimes not. Arguments over money and parenting frequently continue after the marriage is severed.

So, are you ready for this union to end? Divorce sucks.

No, these aren't good reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage. They are, however, reasons to ask yourself if your marriage -- and the affection which was initially there -- is worth another shot. Try counseling with a skilled therapist before you've worn each other down to the point that you don't care anymore.

Divorced spouses don't usually hang out together, so there are good things about your mate that you won't have access to anymore. Parenting after a divorce can also be a shock. The truth is that once you're not in your ex-mate's life, you don't have much say-so with her anymore. You may point out that you are still the child's parent, too. Most parents feel they should be able to have some input into how their ex- behaves with their child. You don't. You don't have any say in whether or not your mate dates a lot and introduces your child to every passing fancy. You, also, don't have any power to insist on a specific parenting style or even who keeps your child when it's your ex's weekend.

Bad marriages suck, too. No one should stay in one…unless the marriage can be improved significantly. Learning to work out the issues is ideal. It is a fact that both partners have to want to make a relationship work to pull a failing relationship on to healthy ground, but giving up on it too quickly is sad.