Craving Intimacy

We may not like other people sometimes, but we humans have a need for contact. We stumble in and out of bad relationships, tolerate unhealthy family interactions and struggle to find true friendships. Like it or not, human beings have a need for emotional intimacy. It's hard-wired into us, the urge for contact with others.

We like to eat together and to have people to whom we complain. Shared laughter is tremendously potent. Even the sexual experience is something most people prefer to share.

We crave connection to others, preferably who understand our feelings and experiences. Clumping together, we join sororities, clubs, self-help groups and churches. We need to interact with other people, to be involved in their lives and have them involved in ours. We bring casseroles when someone suffers a loss through death, we whisper when an acquaintance has a bad break-up, we even cry and gather around the television set when a small child in a town in Texas falls down a well.

We are human and we do not do well in isolation.

This said, we also struggle with interactions! There are people at work who drive us crazy. We get furious when driving in traffic--then we'd like to be the only people around! It is also likely that there are times we seriously long to be alone. This doesn't mean we don't need others, but we, unfortunately, don't always know what to do with them.

The divorce rate is high and we struggled to achieve long term, healthy relationships. Many people become cyclic singles, moving from one failed relationship to another. Loneliness is unfortunately common.

Consistent study, however, can teach us how to be with others. While there's no guarantee of any relationship developing into a lifelong connection, that's no reason to opt out. Do you know why your friendships or relationships have ended? Have any idea why you're finding yourself in the same spot again and again? This is a really difficult thing to understand. Usually, when a relationship is disrupting, we hurl accusations at one another. It's hard to learn much from ugly, hurtful comments and it's even harder to learn when nothing is said at all.

The challenge is to listen openly to others' feedback. Even when we feel defensive, we still need to hear what's being said. Defensive is normal when someone is telling us that everything is our fault. Don't stop there, though. Ask questions to try to really understand what the other person is telling you. "You always…" and "You never…" statements are hurled like spears. The hurt can be huge, but we still need to listen. The urge to argue back and "explain" our actions is strong. It's particularly difficult when others are saying hurtful, unpleasant things, but if we don't listen hard for the kernel of truth, we won't learn. It may be just a small part of what we're being accused of, but we need to understand what we've contributed to situations.

If you don't understand what you've contributed to the failed friendship--how you "failed" in the friendship--you won't learn how to function differently next time.

Craving intimacy--connection--drives our urge to join the Hell's Angels or a become a volunteer at a hospital. We need others and they need us. We just need to see how our behavior sometimes makes it harder for others to be with us.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is a work in process. You may not always enjoy the journey, but opting out ends all your choices. And choices mean possibilities.