Outsourcing Your Emotions, Part 2

Emotions are messy, sometimes inconvenient and not always pleasant. By definition of the word, whether very positive or very negative, emotions involve an 'agitation or disturbance.' Emotional intensity can be scary and there are individuals who prefer to function out of their rational capacity whenever possible, remaining even-keeled in all eventualities. Who wouldn't want to avoid emotions like pain and loss? Individuals may even make foolish choices based on "good" emotions or find themselves taking actions, they regret. Distancing from such a volatile experience can look like a much better option. It seems safer. We humans, however, all have emotions as well as thoughts. So what's a rational-preferring person to do with the disturbing emotions?

Out-Source your emotions.

When a thinking type kid of thirteen wanted to go with her friends to see a very sad, very popular movie, her more emotionally-sensitive mother declined to accompany them. But the daughter returned from the viewing very upset and tearful and begged her mother to go see it. Surprised at her level-headed child's distress, her mom agreed. However, to the mom's surprise, although she found the movie depressing for a week after seeing it, her daughter, who'd seen it twice, now seemed to have no distress, at all. The daughter had out-sourced her feelings. Passed them on like a relay race runner. She'd handed her emotional distress off to someone else who was now displaying emotional intensity for them both.

This kind of emotional out-sourcing might be defined as "letting someone else do the messy stuff" and is probably not a conscious action. Nonetheless, letting others do the feeling for you is generally a bad idea. Emotions, like a radio, can't be turned down so that just one sound is cut out. If you're turning down the volume for one emotion, you're closing them all off. This can lead to feeling remote from your own life and can even contribute to depression.

Another aspect of out-sourcing emotions can appear to have the best of intentions. Very rational people who "fix" other's lives, often tell themselves that they're okay if their loved one is okay. They can go to extremes in placing others' needs before their own and often lead lives filled with sacrifice. The theme, however, of one individual being okay if another individual is good, is simply a reflection of out-sourcing.

We are impacted by the emotions experienced by the people we love. To some, it seems the only way to control the impact on themselves, is to make sure the loved one always feels good, positive emotions. As you can imagine, this "fixing" of someone else's life is very hard to sustain and can lead to resentment if the "fixed" individual sees the fixer as controlling, which is likely.

Consider this scenario: you find yourself telling a loved one about an upsetting or distressing situation and your loved one gets really upset or angry on your behalf. Paradoxically, you then find yourself arguing the other side of the situation. You tell your loved one to calm down, explaining why it's not really so upsetting or distressing. You talk about how he ought to see it rationally--like you are--and not let it upset her.

Poof! You've just out-sourced. Now that she's upset, you're not. You might even find yourself forgetting that you ever were upset. It's just her who's angry, not you. You then can walk away from your own emotional distress like you've deposited it in a trash can.

Out-Sourcing.

However, this way of dealing with your emotions can have several negative effects. Your loved one will probably get really tired of being set-up to be the receptacle of your troubled feelings and the relationship will be affected in a bad way. In addition, you will have effectively disconnected and distanced yourself from your own emotions and, while this may seem easier at the moment, you'll come to worse struggles because of it.

Emotions, while not always warm and fuzzy, are functional. You need to feel what you feel. Some kinds of information comes packaged with feelings. Do you have an uneasy sense around a certain co-worker? Even though he's always smiling and laughing? He may just remind you of a kid in high school who used to bully you, but maybe darker things are brewing that you should examine. Some emotions have been given a bad name--just think if you've ever heard of Sadness Management classes or Happy Management classes! Anger has been given a bad rap. Anger, sadness, happiness, affection, annoyance--all are emotions, not behaviors.

You choose your behaviors and you need to quit blaming your emotions. You can feel an emotion and be okay. It won't kill you and it won't make you kill anyone else. In fact, feeling your emotions without trying to disconnect from them, will help you make better decisions and keep you in better mental and physical health.