NEW BABY AND FAMILY RIFTS

A frustrated husband and father writes "We have been married for about 18 months and had our first daughter six months back in June.... For the two years my wife and I dated as well as the first year of our marriage, the four of us(my parents and us) got along incredibly well.... When we had our daughter,...my mother was a bit overbearing and inserted herself a bit much. This left a bad taste in my wife's mouth and damaged their relationship. Over the next several months my mom dialed things back...[but] my wife continues to find fault with most everything my parents do...she is interpreting every action as a slight against her and my parents way of getting back at her.... I desperately want all of us to have a happy life together, for she and my mom to have their relationship back and for my parents to enjoy their only grandchild and daughter-in-law."

Frustrated Husband and Father may not like it, but I suspect he's playing a bigger part in all this than he sees. His wife is just adjusting to the major role of parent, and he could be part of the problem. The focus now is on his parents and their actions, but the change he sees in their relationship with his spouse is linked to the even bigger changes in her life.

Think about it this way, being a parent--even when long desired--brings with it a whole lot of baggage. Particularly for women.

There's the difference in how she spends her time and the lack of sleep, but this (while difficult) is only part of the picture. Most women accept the majority of the emotional responsibility for their children--how they're cared for, what they need and want, how well they sleep, if they're "happy" babies, and on and on. This is why most mothers feel so entitled for big gifts and big hoopla with Mother's Day. Motherhood brings great expectations, both from society in general and from the mother herself.

So, here's the part Frustrated Father plays: Give the woman a break. She's dealing with the spoken and unspoken criticism of all the mothers she meets. Especially your mother.

There's also the possibility that she's diverting some of her overwhelmed distress from you to your mother. Most men these days feel pretty good about their parenting. They think they are involved fathers and do just as much of the parenting work as their mates, but statistics don't indicate that men are equally involved with women in caring for their children.

Women still carry the bigger load and part of this is because they themselves expect to "be the mom." Part of the disparity in parenting is also because men really don't see all that's required and still are glad to leave most of the work to moms. It's a pretty overwhelming expectation--accepting even 65% of the care for a newborn--and women don't usually stop all their other activities. This is all complicated by the interactions and expectations within the relationship.

Not only is Frustrated's wife dealing with new parenthood, she's still adjusting to their marriage. This is no small matter for most people. A new marriage ranks high on the list of life changes that lead to increased stress, as does the birth of a baby. There have been a lot of changes in this woman's life. If her new mother-in-law presumed some in the very beginning of parenthood, she might have painted a target on her back.

I recommend Frustrated do a serious self-inventory, asking himself if he's carrying as much of the new load as his wife and that he give the woman a break. If he continues his silent condemnation of her as the meanie who won't get along with his parents, he's missing his own part in these dynamics. Sure, she's probably unfair to his parents sometimes. But moving forward with this requires him to cut her some slack and get into the parenting trenches with her. He also needs to make sure that the two of them have time together and that the issues that come up between them are as openly addressed as he can manage.

Don't think I'm saying that this is all Frustrated's fault. It's not, but he has some responsibility for the situation, which gives him power.

I'm all for everyone feeling their power.