Doing Your Half

You’ve probably heard that relationships sometimes require you to give 110%. It is true that you sometimes give more when your mate is struggling, but you need to also know that you don’t get to tell your significant other what to do. The most challenging part of love is that, while you are impacted by the loved one’s choices, you don’t get to direct these.

Yes, I know that doesn’t seem fair, but it is what it is.

If your partner makes choices that are detrimental to the relationship—cheats, adopts dangerous habits or ignores your existence—you always have the option to leave the relationship. You may owe this to yourself, in fact. But you still don’t get to tell him how to live or the choices he should and shouldn’t make. You may want to argue about this and you might insist that if you adjust your behavior because he doesn’t like it, he should have to do the same for you.

He doesn’t. But then, you don’t have to stay.

Actions in relationship will effect the relationship. This is a given. Love may be unconditional, but relationships are not. The choices both you and your partner make will either foster or destroy the relationship. There are consequences to ignoring or disregarding your partner’s opinions and feelings and vice versa. But you still don’t get to make him or her behave a certain way to make sure you feel safe and loved.

It just doesn’t work this way. Your partner must decide her own behavior based on the results she desires, as you must behave to encourage what you want in the relationship.

Not getting to tell him what to do doesn’t mean you don’t have any say-so in the relationship, though. You have a lot. You get to make your own choices and you decide if you’re remaining in the relationship, or getting out. You need to know that your power lies in what you do and how you act, not in yelling at him if he doesn’t return your calls(or whatever). Your power is in how you conduct your half of the relationship. Look carefully at the actions your taking. These are what empower you.

You might want to argue that you’re playing fair, but she isn’t. Well, then, you need to tell her the impact her choices are making on you. You get to say "When you do this____, I feel ____." You get to communicate your feelings. Be aware that you get to end the relationship, if you’re not getting as much from it as it is costing you emotionally. You get to leave, if you need to.

But loss feels sucky. You love your partner or you wouldn’t be here. You might even have kids together or share a mortgage. You’ve probably got history. You don’t want to leave, you just want things to be better. You want him to be better. Possibly you’ve found yourself longing for things to be like they "used to be."

That doesn’t make it so, though. All your yelling, withholding sex and threatening to leave isn’t as powerful as you doing your half. Leave if you need to leave. It’s like voting with your feet. But don’t forget to look at your own actions and don’t justify these by saying she did it first.
Don’t threaten, though. That has the same result as the boy crying wolf. Say what the impact the behavior has on you; listen hard to your partner’s feelings(even when these seem accusatory) and remember to do your half.

Then, if you need to leave, leave.