WALKING THE PARENT TIGHTROPE

Don't think having kids will sudden confer a personality transformation on you. You'll still be the same person and you'll have taken on one of the hardest jobs on this earth. Parenting has many rewards, but it's no cake walk.

First, you have to walk the careful line between abandonment and entitlement. You want to be there for your children--to give them love and devotion. Whether or not this was your experience growing up, you want this for your children. But can you give them too much? If the Big Depression left children growing up carefully watching their pennies for fear of having nothing, this era has raised an Entitlement generation.

The children growing up now--and those who are young adults--have been given toys and electronics at the drop of a hat. Heck, we give children who aren't having a birthday presents to keep them from feeling bad that the birthday child has presents. Something is seriously wrong here. Things are offered to adjust emotions and then, we expect kids to say no to drugs and alcohol and risky relationships that do the same--make the bad feelings temporarily go away.

Bad feelings aren't fun, but they aren't the end of the world, either.

Parents and grandparents pamper children and then get upset when the kids are demanding, bratty individuals who refuse to grow up and support themselves. In this scenario, when have kids ever been expected to care for themselves?

The opposite of entitled children are the kids who's parents have ceased to care for their emotional needs. Parenting is a gradual taking off of your supportive hands, kind of like when you were teaching your children to ride a bike. Then, you ran along-side the child, holding the bike up while he pedaled. As he found his balance, you began to withdraw your hold until you took your hand off completely...because he was riding on his own.

When learning to ride a bike, the kids might fall. Then, they learn the lesson of getting up, dusting themselves off and giving it another shot. Lots of moments like that in life.

Parents sometimes start off, though, lavishing attention and time on their young children, giving them an abundance of stuff and excuses for their misbehavior, only to stop doing more than putting a roof over their head when they reach more challenging ages. Just withdrawing when parenting gets hard, isn't taking your hands off the bike, it's withdrawal.

But doing the gradual thing requires you to be connected to and in tune with your children. It can be painful and difficult to watch them fail. We hurt when our loved ones fail, but letting them learn is so important. We tend to rescue for ourselves, not for them.

The most loving parenting involves giving kids a firm structure, within which kids are free to negotiate, if they want. Certain things are completely unacceptable--hurting others, destroying property--but some things can be discussed and given in moderation. It's a challenge to find the right balance at times, but the combination gives your kids a strong foundation upon to rest while they're growing up.

Be reasonable and consistent with structure; don't waffle. If you identify and follow through with consequences, they'll generally learn how to handle life. You have to believe in them, believe they can learn to do what's best for them. This is the best gift you can give your child. When you believe in the child's capacity--to cope, to grow, to handle the bumps of growing up--your child gets the message she's okay. That's a gift--I know you're going to be okay. I know you have what it takes. If you truly believe this about your child, you don't need to rescue him.

As parents, aren't we working out way out of our jobs? This is my belief about therapy, too. I'm working my way out of a job, helping clients learn what they need to move forward without me. This isn't a forever role. Neither is parenting. Like it or not, one day you won't be there for your kids. You want them to be strong and capable and successful people...even when you're no longer around.