I WAS HAPPY WHEN...

Nostalgia has it's place, but don't forget to be somewhat realistic about the old days. Happiness is a general condition of feeling good about one's life, good about one's work and good about relationships--basically, feeling good about one's self. It's easy to get sucked into the belief that former days were golden times with little of the issues you now face.

Don't fool yourself. And don't buy the "I'll be happy when..." thinking, either. If you believe you need a marriage or a job (rough times in the job market) to feel content in your life, you're wishing instead of living. People who win the lottery report that their happiness quickly returns to what it was before the big event. Those who pine for certain events or conditions to change their lives are often disappointed when these events occur. Ever talked to a parent who ached and longed for children before the infant arrived? She is probably quick to say she loves her child, but also quick to report that there have been challenging moments, too. This is not to say that she's not thrilled to have a child, but that life isn't ever easy, if you define easy has having no conflicts and facing no challenges.

This kind of thinking implies that you need circumstances to be all good before you can be happy. Circumstances are rarely all good.

Frequently when couples come in for relationship counseling, one or the other will refer wistfully back to when things were great. Relationships are challenging and generally have both euphoric and despondent moments. It isn't realistic to think you'll find one that has no conflict and no down moments. Sometimes those down moments can be really, really low.

Happiness is generally a matter of outlook and belief in yourself. If you feel that you're fairly competent and pretty much in charge of your own circumstances, you'll tend to feel happy overall. You don't want your life experience to be determined by the situations in which you find yourself. Few of us are happy when we end up in a fender bender or get a cold, but these things occur in life. We make mistakes and have to deal with the challenges that follow. As frustrating as these can be, it's important to catch the lesson that comes with these. Happiness is built on finding (no, I'm not going to break into song here) the silver lining to the cloud. The few drips of value you can wring from a really unhappy moment.

We learn through those moments, not from the lovely, wonderful times.

Lovely, wonderful times are terrific and you want as many of these as you can get, but don't think happiness is about needing to get everything--and everyone--straight and on track. Parents who try to do this with their children are asking for trouble since kids have minds of their own--which you want them to have, after all.

Your happiness isn't defined by re-capturing a moment from the past or by achieving a perfect blend of all the right things in the future. Happiness is a life condition. You can make good choices for you--and I hope you will--but you'll still have bad things you'll have to deal with.

Happiness requires you to have faith in your own ability to handle whatever comes.