RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS

Many studies report that having relationships helps your health, but they do more than that if you're working it right.

Relationships, however, can also help us be better people. Our interactions with others can be irritating, annoying--even maddening--but our closest relationships can also be very fulfilling and highly educational. We learn the most in relationships. I've long held that the hardest things we do on this earth are parenting and intimate relationships. More than brain surgery and rocket science. Not everyone chooses to parent(absolutely their choice), but most people engage in some kind of intimacy with a significant other.

We are at our best and our worst with those closest to us and this makes these intimate interactions frequently complicated. Anyone who says relationships are simple, aren't paying attention.

In order to gain from our relationships, however, we have to let go of the desire to always be right. No one is always right. As a matter of fact, this isn't even the most important issue. We need to be able to express our experiences and feelings to our loved ones and to hear what they feel, as well.

The "Right-ness" of the conflicts between you falls somewhere between you and him. We all have valid perspectives. Too often though, it seems as if the other person being right means you're "wrong", which feels bad. No one wants to be somewhere they're always wrong. Remember that when you're fighting with your mate, trying to be right more than he is. If you're right all the time, then he's wrong all the time. This just feels bad. Not only will he feel misunderstood, but he won't want to be with you.

Who wants to be wrong all the time?

When you listen to your mate's perspective, you'll hear some things you don't like. This is unavoidable. Hopefully, your mate won't come at you with a judgemental "you suck" approach, but he's bound to see some things and some interactions differently than do you. He won't like some of the things you do or don't do and he'll feel hurt sometimes. But you still need to hear him.

The challenging part about communication in relationship is tuning into the other person's reality without completely denying your own.

You're feelings and perspective matters, too. What you experience, what you feel--these are very important things. Letting go of an absolute right/wrong perspective helps us to understand the other guy's experience. Everybody has some valid points. The secret here is that understanding leads to openness, which is therapy-speak for "he's more likely to hear you if he feels you hear him."

Early in my own marriage, my husband told me that when we fought he felt like he had a Civil War cannon and I had a machine gun. This wasn't easy to hear, but it was very, very important. The guy felt seriously out-gunned every time we talked about anything important. He felt like I wasn't listening and that he couldn't win. This wasn't at all what I wanted, so I learned to talk slower and I try to listen to what he's saying, even if I don't like it.

When you're listening to your partner's take on things, he'll make observations about your behavior and some of the things he says will upset you. You will have a powerful urge to deny this--He's wrong! You never did those things! You certainly never meant the things he says you probably meant! Think about it, though. How do you feel when you have stuff to say to him? You want him to listen to what you're saying, not tell you all the reasons you're wrong. His defensiveness signals to you that he's not listening. This is undoubtedly not what he's trying to convey, but he feels attacked by your observations(accurate though they may be) and he's trying to "explain" them away. His trying to explain just lead to you not feeling listened to.

So, don't defend yourself or explain when he's talking to you. This is really tough, but it's really, really important. You probably need to take a serious look at what he's saying about your behavior. This is one of the major benefits of relationships--they help us learn to be better people.