I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

"I have 2 daughters. One is married with a baby and my older daughter is gay and has a partner.
When my youngest daughter was still in the hospital after the delivery of her son, her husband made sexual advances toward my older daughter-asking her if she had ever been with a man and saying that he'd been “thinking“ of her constantly. When we are together, he tries to spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with my daughter. She's done everything to discourage him and she's very upset that he's done this. She and her sister are very close.

My married daughter has had a lot of trauma in her life. She was raped at 18 while attending college. She attempted to take her life after the incident (unknown to us). We only discovered this after the suicide death of our only son. She made some bad relationship choices after the rape, which included getting into an abusive situation.

My question now is--should my daughter tell her about her husband's advances?? She seems unhappy with him anyway--but we do not want to cause more conflict. Does she have a right to know?? They really have no sex life and she says he's not seemed interested in that aspect of their marriage. She has related this to me and my daughter on several occasions.

If your advice is that my daughter should tell her--we would not be involved  any way. We do not want her to know that we know about the situation. It would strictly be between my two daughters.

Please help us make a good decision! We do not want her to further traumatize her life. She deserved the "right" decision from us."--Concerned Mother

 

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Dear Concerned Mother,

 

Whether or not she tells her sister about the husband's overtures is up to her, but she needs to consider some possible outcomes. People vary on whether or not they want to be told bad things about their mates. If your daughter tells her sister, her sister may flat-out refuse to believe her and the relationship between them will suffer. On the other hand, her sister might be upset if this infomation is withheld and she later learns of it.

 

Her sister's marriage is pretty bad as it is, but sis hasn't decided to leave him. Getting a divorce is a very personal decision and your married daughter has a right to do this in her own time--or not at all. If she wants to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage, she gets to do that.

 

Either way, you're right to stay out of it. Your daughter needs to make the decision herself.

 

What you can do, however, is encourage your traumatized daughter to take care of herself. She deserves to get therapy to help her heal from her trauma and her bad relationship choices. Help this daughter see that you believe in her, that you know she has the capacity to live a fullfulled life. Then let her make her own relationship choices. Act like she's an intelligent, capable individual.

 

Your other daughter needs to take a strong stand with her sister's husband--she needs to tell him with conviction that his sexual advances toward her have to stop. In the strongest possible terms, she needs to indicate that they will be spending no one-on-one time and his continued pursuit of her will force her to let his wife know just what he's up to.

 

If he then continues to try to force his presence on her, she needs to level with her sister in the most matter-of-fact way. Her sister still may not believe her, but at least she'll have blown the dirty secret open.

 

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I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

 

People often want to bring others in for therapy so I can straighten them out. Parents bring surly teens and five year-olds who throw tantrums. Husbands bring wives and wives bring husbands. Grandparents sometimes try to make appointments for their adult grandkids.

 

Others' issues are always very clear to us, but the reality is that we each get to direct our own lives. We get to choose whether or not we pay attention to our consequences and whether we change our behavior accordingly. Basically, we each get to be in charge of our own lives, even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

 

When I'm faced with a third-party bringing someone in for me to "fix them", I have to break the news that I don't have the power to change someone. This is usually a shock. Even clients who've come in because of their own issues, sometimes get frustrated that I don't have a magic wand to wave over them to make it all better.

 

What I do have is a clear perspective on whatever you're facing. And I can help you see your own struggles. I can also help you see your alternatives and the possible consequences of each of these.

 

You have mothers and partners and friends who are all eager to tell you just what you should do. That's not my job. I don't have the power to magically wean you from your bad habits; I can't make kids behave by just telling them they should(always frustrating to parents).

 

I am a pretty good listener, though, and that's not a small thing. Listening is huge and most of us struggle to do this with the ones we love.

 

You can listen without agreeing(always a big concern) and you can reflect back to the ones you love what you heard them say. You'll be wrong, at first, but with continued effort, the one you're listening to will manage to say what he means and you'll finally be able to hear him. This is a pretty big thing and it helps us be open to feedback when we think we're actually being listened to.

 

You have to accept first, however, that your brother/mate/son/friend has the right and power to direct his own life. He doesn't have to do it your way and you don't have the power or the right to insist that he see it your way.