IT HAS TO BE DIFFERENT...

Infidelity rips relationships up and recovery is difficult. Some people walk away from situations where someone has cheated, unable or unwilling to continue once trust has been broken. Others stay for a variety of reasons. This is a very personal choice and no one but the parties involved get to vote on whether the relationship continues. Friends and family spout opinions about what you should do, but this isn't their call. It's yours. If you stay, however, don't think you can forgive and move on together without some major relationship reconstruction.

Something has to be different and different in a big way.

For infidelity to occur, the primary relationship has to be previously broken. Lots of people want to deny this, saying everything was great between them and their partners, but this just isn't so. Even if you didn't know things were this bad--and lots of very intelligent people don't know--the cheater has to have been unhappy or unresolved in some way.

Getting over this kind of breach in a relationship--and some relationships do heal--requires you to address the problems that were there in the first place. Some of this repair is individual on the cheaters part and some involves how the relationship worked and didn't work.

In no way am I implying that the non-cheating spouse is responsible for the infidelity. This cannot be stressed too much. Whoever unzipped their pants and chose to have sex outside the relationship is responsible for this choice. Even if the non-cheating spouse was a bitch sometimes, she didn't cause the infidelity.

This is a big deal. If the non-cheating spouse chooses to leave the relationship, he or she can wonder if somehow it was their fault. Nope. You had a lot to do with how the relationship worked, but you didn't make your mate cheat.

That said, something was broken or you wouldn't be in this spot. If you're going to stay in the relationship, the problems need to be addressed and resolved.

Difficulty communicating is usually at the bottom of relationship issues. You may be talking to one another, but you're not hearing each other. While it's very important that your mate hears you, you also need to make sure you're listening. Lots of clients tell me they listen, but their partners tell a different story. Sometimes even as the one mate insists he or she listens, the other mate is shaking his or her head.

Make no mistake--listening is hard. You may love your partner deeply, but it can still be difficult to communicate and you can believe your hearing her, but totally miss what she's saying. I speak from experience when I say this. Listening, with no interruptions(even when he's wrong) is difficult. You probably disagree with lots of what he's saying. (If he's calling you names, however, we're not in a communication situation.) He may be misquoting you and saying things you really disagree with.

You still need to keep quiet and listen. Imagine you're taking notes in a class and you're going to be tested over the material. Absorb what he's saying and don't interject or interrupt. Then, when he's through, repeat back to him what he said to you. You want him to know that you heard what he said. You'll probably be wrong the first time and he'll say, "No! No! That wasn't what I said."

If this happens, tell him to give it to you again and again work really hard to get what he's trying to say. When you've gotten his communication right, it's your turn and he needs to really listen to you.

Effective communication will help you get to the root of the issues in the relationship.

When couples try to rebuild after infidelity, several things almost always occur--the victim mate has lots and lots of questions and he or she is driven to check all email accounts, as well as, the cheater's phone. Not allowing access is  pretty much a deal-breaker for most.

This isn't a matter of "getting back" to what it once was between you, things need to be better than they were before. It has to be different.