Power and Responsibility

Denise feels horrible her marriage fell apart. It's all her fault, she'll state sadly. She didn't love him enough. She harped at him too much and she was too hard to live with. It was all her, not him.

Marco knows his 20 year-old son is struggling in college because he can't seem to motivate the boy. Isn't a father supposed to look after his kid?

Teresa and her boyfriend of two years just broke up. He says she's too controlling. She tearfully admits she asked him not to go out to bars with his friends every weekend, coming home wasted.

Are they right? Is everything their fault?

People tell me all the time that their messed up relationships are all their doing. I tell them they're giving themselves too much power. Relationships between adults are a fifty-fifty situation. Everyone contributes. Otherwise, only one person in the relationship has power and that would be just wrong.

Everyone in the relationship has power and power is unavoidably linked to responsibility. If you don't have the power to make another person behave differently, you're not responsible for his actions. It's hard enough in this life to be responsible for our own behavior. Don't assume you have the power to change others.

It all gets murky because love involves being emotionally impacted by one another--caring what the other person does or feels. You must remember, though, that no matter how affected you are by what other people do, you don't have control of their actions or their feelings. No matter how much you love them or how much they say they love you. In turn, your feelings and your actions aren't their fault, either.

This is a very difficult concept for many, but while love confers the ability to impact the other, it doesn't give power or responsibility.

Responsibility is always linked to power. If you don't have control over another, you can't be responsible for what she does…or what she feels. You are responsible, however, for what you do. If you behave or speak in demeaning ways--that's your responsibility and you should seriously look at what's going on with you. The other person's feelings, though, can't be your fault because she has an involvement in her own emotional reactions.

She gets to choose how she thinks about a situation and that assessment will feed her emotional reaction--the key here is that she gets to choose.

Don't use this to say that your behavior--your actions--shouldn't have any impact on those with whom you have relationships. You're still responsible for how you behave. You don't have, however, responsibility for someone else's feelings.

This is tricky, but hugely important ground in relationships. Make sure you don't give yourself too much power over others. You just get to be in charge of your own behavior and your own emotional reactions. That's a massively complicated responsibility itself.

Someone, Whoever, Anyone

When you and your current squeeze break-up, what's the first thing you do? Head to the gym? Get a new haircut and wardrobe? Start going out more?

Are you immediately shopping for someone new?

This is how we deal with grief. Dog die? Buy a new puppy. Get a divorce? Register on Match.com or some other computer dating service. In our culture today, we deal with loss through replacement. If at all possible, we turn away from feelings of grief and pain as if we can just turn them off.

No where is this more evident than in the dating/mating climate. For many, being alone is terrifying, even if that means settling for bad relationships. At least, someone wants me, you may tell yourself.

It's not so much that we have substandard requirements as we've lowered our standards.

Do you know yourself? Know the kind of person who can help you grow and be stronger? Help you deal with your issues? Are you a better person because you're in your relationship? Don't settle for a relationship that doesn't help you just because you feel you must have someone. You can survive the loss of relationship. Finding a replacement to avoid your grief doesn't make things better. Believe in yourself enough to feel the feelings of loss.

Let's be honest. Grief, loss, pain, missing someone…all of these emotions hurt like hell. Why would anyone want this? But you're forgetting that some experiences are linked together. Like sweating at the gym gives you a more toned body, dealing with uncomfortable emotions can help you develop yourself. When you can handle the really difficult moments of life, you have more belief in yourself, feel safer, less afraid and more capable.

I'm not saying that you should want to hurt or want to suffer the loss of relationships. I'm saying that many of us are running so hard from these feelings that we become convinced of our own fragility. Relationships end. This is a sad reality and we need to look seriously at what we contributed to the end. But going through an endless revolving door of relationships without ever feeling loss or examining ourselves, this leads you to nothing, but more grief.

Self-esteem isn't built by others telling you how wonderful you are. If you don't believe these words, you aren't any better off. We build self-esteem through coping successfully with life.

Learn to face the life-situations in front of you, even if that means loss. You'll grow in the long run.

Necesssary Lessons in Failure

Screwing up on a project…or blowing a proposal…or earning a D on a paper can make us feel like worthless losers, but each one of these failures brings us valuable information. We actually need to learn to process failure and rejection.

This sounds so wrong! Failure should be avoided at all costs, shouldn't it? Rejection means we're worthless, doesn't it? Actually, no. Failure needs to be embraced, not because we like it, but because we need it. The trouble for most people is in thinking that failure can be avoided in life, rather than seeing it as an aspect of our learning to succeed. Failure teaches us things we need to know.

It may sound like a platitude people use to console themselves, but failure is an important life lesson. Say, you're trying something risky, like applying to a ivy league college or trying out for your high school play. You blow it--don't turn in everything for your application or show up without a song for your audition, whatever. You cringe, feel horrible(stupid, actually) and you vow never to run this risk again. Failure hurts too bad.

Think about all the information you'll miss. Figuring out why we failed at something can give us tremendously valuable information. Information we need to correct our behavior, and aim better in our next attempt. Nothing significant is achieved in a single shot. The really good things take multiple attempts. Think of contestants who've entered the Miss America contests year after year, only to make the big win eventually. You may not be attempting to be crowned Miss Universe, but odds are that whatever you want to achieve will require perseverance on your part. If you can't tolerate failure, you're going to give up early in the process.

Learn the necessary lessons in failure. First, it takes too much energy to beat your self up. Calling yourself names(like stupid) is non-productive and only uses emotional energy you could be putting into your next shot at a what you want.

Think of the high-achieving high school student who commits suicide when rejected by his first choice college. This is a shocking, incredibly sad choice. Always achieving what you go after leaves you vulnerable to being unable to tolerate failure when it does happen. Rejection and failure feel horrible, but the emotions that come with these experiences don't last and don't do major harm if we keep them in perspective. They're feelings we really don't enjoy. Feelings fade over time and in the face of eventual achievement of the newly-tweaked goal or the newly-corrected application of our energy. Sometimes, we have things we need to learn. The process of getting to success involves certain actions. How do you learn what these actions are, if you don't persevere?

There are some individuals who are so intolerant of failure, that they simply refuse to attempt anything that they don't know absolutely they can achieve. No matter how small. They don't play games they can't win. Don't enter contests when they aren't sure they'll blow away the competition. Don't ask people they like out on dates, when they aren't sure of getting a "Yes!"

The oft-quoted reality is that Mickey Mantle struck out more times than he hit home runs…but he hit an amazing 536 home runs in his career. Failure is a part of success. It helps your correct your aim, correct your attempts. Get better at what you do. Whether you're asking a hot guy out on a date or applying to a new job, you need to be able to deal with rejection. Failure.

Some people stay in jobs they hate because they're afraid of the failure along the way to finding a new job. Others live solitary lives because they fear the embarrassment and discomfort inherent in dating.

Failure is a necessary aspect of any success. Learn to tolerate it. Learn to fail. It's the only way to win.

Everyone Says I Should Leave You

What if all your friends and relatives really hate your girlfriend? Maybe the two of you get into big fights and she throws you out every other month, leaving you to spend the night on your brother's couch. Possibly your boyfriend gets drunk at your family get-togethers. Or maybe the two of you fight. A lot. Maybe you miss work or you're so upset that when you do show up at the office you're worthless.

No wonder everyone thinks you should move on.

Relationships are not that simple, though. There's a reason you stay. Many people will say they stay in unhealthy relationships because of the children, but truth be told, unless there's significant financial hardship involved in getting out, living in the atmosphere of an unhealthy relationship is worse for kids. (And make sure you don't equate financial hardship with not having everything the kid wants.)

Most people stay in relationships not for the kids, but because the relationship still gives them something they want.

Even if you complain and are bitterly unhappy, if you're still there, you're getting something from the relationship. This can be very difficult to see, but it is an inescapable reality. If everyone is telling you to get out, you first need to recognize that this is your life. You get to make the decisions. Then, think long and hard about what really keeps you here.

Maybe there are still good times, maybe you think you deserve all the bad things he says about you when you fight. Either way, who you date--or stay married to--is really your own business. You're the one making the choices and you're the only one who can sort this out. Even if you really care about your friends and you always listen to your mother's advice(yeah, right), your relationship is your decision.

Still, it bothers you that all these people think you should move on. If you're getting a lot of input from others, you're probably inviting it. Maybe you're unsure about the relationship yourself or maybe you are subtly invested in being seen as the "good guy."

Some people grow up as the "good" child and get a little addicted to the positive strokes, hiding their own bad stuff from view. Even if you didn't get crowned as a kid, you can secretly enjoy hearing your friends and family talk badly about your mate.

After all, don't most of us want friends who take our side? If you have conflict about the relationship and you vent to your friends and family about everything he's done, forgetting to mention what you've done, then you can expect them not to like your boyfriend.

Then again, maybe it's not all about disliking your girlfriend. Maybe your family doesn't like you much when you're with her. They might not like who you've become. If you gave up school or started partying hard after you started dating, others might tend to blame the relationship when she had nothing to do with your choice. Heck, maybe one of the things you liked about her was that she didn't care if you went to school. Secretly, you might have chosen the relationship because you really wanted to drop out of school. This way, no one gets all that mad at you. They blame her.

Whether to stay in a relationship and continue working on it or choose to get out, you're in charge. Others' opinions are important, but they're taking their cues from you. Figure your own motives out and you'll be better equipped to know which direction you need to take.

Parenting: Hold and Release

You love your kids and want to protect them from all the bad things in this world. You know you can't, but you want to. When you're really objective, you know your kids have to deal with the stuff that isn't always fun in life, sometimes its downright crappy. So, what's a parent to do?

Tiffany loves her twenty-five year old son and would do anything for him. She's sent him to the best private schools(thank heaven, she can afford them) and an exclusive college. When he finally graduated a year ago, she thought he was set to have a good life--good education, good job, nice home. And he did get a job earning a fairly good income, but now he still seems to need her to bail him out when he gets in over his head financially. He goes out partying with his friends a lot and dates a new woman every few months. When is he going to settle down? Last month, he was out late, drinking with his friends, and got a DUI. She's got him a good lawyer, but Tiffany wonders when her son is going to grow up.

Parenting needs to be a combination of two modes: Hold and Release. Knowing when to do which is the tricky part.

Kids need your love. They need encouragement and, mostly, they need you to believe they can handle life. They also need you to let them deal with decisions and consequences themselves. One of the hardest parts of parenting is the Release part--letting your kids deal with the consequences of their own choices. Holding them tight all their lives means you mop up after every mistake they make.

It is a hard fact of life that we don't learn without having to deal with the consequences of our choices.

Your children need you to let them mop up after themselves. Knowing when to do this is key to parenting. A basic motto needs to be--don't do for them what they can do for themselves. And make sure you don't rely on the argument that your kid obviously can't handle his finances because he won't balance a checkbook. If you keep giving him money to cover his over-drafts, why should he learn to avoid getting over-drafts? Knowing what a kid is ready to handle can be hard, but paying close attention will show his capabilities.

Look at what others her age are doing. Are all her friends getting jobs and remembering to do their own homework without someone breathing down their necks? Maybe she's ready to handle life responsibilities.

When a toddler goes in for a nap and comes out of his room an hour later in a totally different outfit, it's time to stop dressing him. Even if he doesn't always match at first, he needs to pick out his own clothes(check to make sure he's weather-appropriate) and put them on himself.

Make sure what you do for your kid isn't out of your own needs. If you're always perfectly-dressed and you want others to think well of you because your child is also perfectly-dressed, who are we really concerned about? The kid or your image? Parenting needs to be about providing the child what the child needs. He needs you to love him and believe in him. If this is true, you sometimes let the kid pick out clothes that don't match. When, if ever, matching is important to the kid, he'll figure out how to do it.

Hold your kids and remember to demonstrate your love by giving them your attention and your time, not just your money. Release your kids and let them make age-appropriate decisions. Make sure you don't get in the way of their consequences. You'll be stealing their learning.

Watching them struggle can break your heart, but there's no other way for them to become responsible adults.

Depressed, Maybe You Should Be..

Depression feels horrible, but it may have a purpose. Emotions have their own peculiar rationality and are one of the most intriguing aspects of being human. There's a reason why you feel what you feel. For the last decade or so, pharmaceutical companies have been selling the idea that mood is merely a fluke of brain chemistry and should be changed by popping a little pill. Anyone who's studied brain chemistry knows that nothing about the brain is random. If you're depressed, you probably have a reason to feel this way.

Aside from the situation we're born into--and this can be challenging--we generally have the capacity to choose our lives. Admittedly, some are born into easier situations than others(poverty vs. wealth, genetic disorders vs. health), but even within these limits, we get to choose our lives. Many individuals born into abject poverty rise up to situations of great personal achievement. We decide how we live our lives.

So, depression doesn't have to be your life, particularly if you can figure out what your mood is telling you.

Let's look at this emotion from two different angles. Some people are so logical that their emotions are like a muscle that hasn't been worked out. They feel, they just don't acknowledge it much, even to themselves. When our emotional selves are shut down, we tend to end up with a gray world. It's like turning down the sound on a radio. Everything gets muted, not just the low notes. Few things stimulate excitement in this state and pretty soon, the very rational person feels nothing, but depression.

Aside from the highly logical, there are others for whom depression actually makes sense. If these individuals are in relationships that are highly dysfunctional or careers they don't like, but feel they have to stay in, depression is a logical outcome. It fits. In this case, your depression is your way of telling you that changes need to be made. Either the relationship needs a major over-haul or you need to change the job you're in. Sometimes depression occurs when you've had a significant loss in your life or when you've had several life-altering changes in close succession and you're overwhelmed.

Don’t run out to get a prescription for meds(unless you need this short-term to function), listen to what the emotion is telling you. Emotion isn't the enemy. It generally makes perfect sense, even if it isn't fun. When individuals work to understand themselves and start making choices based on this understanding, the emotional side usually straightens out.

In life, we sometimes experience loss. Sometimes great loss. Sadness in these situations is also reasonable. Extremely difficult, but reasonable. The parent who loses a child, grieves and there's no way around this. For him, the emotions of loss, regret, rage, defeat just roll over him. He may have difficulty going on with life.

This situation is very, very difficult…but the depression is reasonable. It's a horrible experience and it makes sense for the emotions involved to be horrible. Few could have this kind of loss without tremendous emotional distress.

Our emotions are not the enemy. While we don’t want to function out of pure emotion--that makes for an erratic life--we do need to listen to how we feel. For very logical individuals who've disconnected as much as possible from their emotional side, some valuable information is lost. These folks tend to miss personal internal cues.

When you listen to how you feel in a given situation, you can be warned of danger, realize when relationships need attention or find the career that makes you a happy individual. Depression is an indicator. If you're struggling with this, it may be time for a serious self-assessment. Sometimes, individuals don't want to look at what they need to look at. It may be uncomfortable or inconvenient or the choice you need to make might appear to conflict with how you want life to be.

Depression can be another internal clue. If you want to make use of all your capacities, pay attention to what it's telling you.

Small Choices, Big Consequences

Only a few choices seem big at the moment you're making them. You look down a long aisle of a church and see the person you're marrying--that's a big choice. You look down at the contract you're about to sign for a thirty-year mortgage on a house. That seems big, too, even though you can sell the house, if you choose.

Most choices, though, don't come with a resounding trumpet blast announcing "This Is Big!" Many are small, sneaky moments that you don't even really notice unless you're paying attention.

One night with a hot guy and an old condom. Leaving a sleeping child in a car while you run into a store for one small minute. Buying your kid a toy every time she whines in the store. Flirting with the new woman at work, even though you're married. Gunning your car to race through the traffic light that's turning yellow.

Our lives are filled with small choices. Some can have huge consequences. Life-altering, life-ending or just frustrating consequences. We have to remember that each action we take has a consequence. With this clearly in focus, we are more likely to give each action the thought it needs.

When you're out partying with your friends and blowing off steam from a crappy week or month, be aware of how one choice can change your life…and those choices get blurrier when you've had a few. Getting pulled over for a DUI is only one possibility. What if the hot guy you have sex with has Chlamydia? Or HIV or venereal warts? Getting wasted at the club might have more consequences than you ever thought.

If you run the yellow/red traffic light, you might get one of those tickets in the mail, but you might also have a bad meeting with a semi-truck.

Watching the television news report about these kind of moments, you might say, "How could they be so stupid?" But when you're in the moment, things may not be so clear. The urge to cut corners can be strong. Even more likely are the everyday choices that have relationship consequences. The fight with your spouse that never gets resolved. The times you promise your kid you'll be home and you don't make it because you have other priorities.

Never think that your actions and your words don't make that big a difference. What you do--or don't do--matters. Your choices effect your relationships, your work experience and your credit rating. You are very powerful. You get to be in charge of you, every day. While this may not seem like a big deal, it really is huge. Even in situations in which you don't feel like you have much choice, you get to choose how you function, how you behave. You have power over who you are.

In most situations, you get to choose what you do, where you do it and who you're with. It's your power. You get to make the choices and they bring certain consequences. Big or little, your actions create your life.