How To Ruin Your Children

Few people love doing without. We tend to crave comfort and all the accessories that come with that. You want all that and more for your kids. It's natural to want to provide for your children. You love them. You want them not to feel embarrassed in front of their friends. You want to rescue them when they screw up because you want the best for them and because you hurt when they hurt. Sometimes you want to make sure your kids have what you didn't have, whether that’s cool clothes or an intact family.

You want your kids to have everything. No speed bumps allowed. If there’s an obstacle in their way, you want to remove it. They seem so young, so weak and so unable to cope with life alone. They need you. Whether they have a teacher who’s out to get them or a friend who writes ugly things about them on the internet, you generally want to champion your kids in ways you weren’t championed. You want to smooth out the road, as much as you can.

Good intentions...bad result?

Maybe your kids would be better served by learning they can handle the rough spots. In their determination to do the best job, parents can sometimes overlook the opportunities difficult situations offer kids. Is an easy road the best one? Sometimes kids need assistance; sometimes they don't.

Sadly, the news is full of young people who look like they had it all and subsequently made bad—sometimes illegal—choices. Can we say that all their parents were bad? Does the quality of parenting actually determine a child’s experience? If you agree with this, you’re saying individuals don’t really determine their own fate. Does having perfect parents make a perfect kid?

Life isn't always fair. Admittedly, there are far few challenges for the kids born in the states than those born in Darfur. But if you believe individuals are in charge of their own actions, you have to refrain from dealing with your kids as if they are powerless.

Giving kids everything they want—everything you wanted when you were their age—can backfire in a big way. By giving your children everything, you may be robbing them of the hunger to achieve. When a too comfortable life—nice house, nice car, plenty of spending money, parents who rescue them from any tight spot—are offered to individuals who are able to take care of themselves, they tend to stop striving. They coast.

Maybe parents need to value the hunger.

Achievement isn’t fueled by excess or expectation. It’s fueled by hunger. By a determination that can’t be built without figuring how to handle small obstacles. Individuals who find healthy ways to cope with challenge are building a sense of self. I can deal with what comes. In order to reach this level of belief in oneself, individuals must find success. Their own success, not that which is handed to them.

If you want to ruin a child, give her everything she wants, immediately. Hand everything to her and rob her of her own opportunities for achievement. Parents want to argue that their children’s grades in school are an achievement, but if parents nag and nag a child to get those grades, how is that about the kid?

Maybe children need to fail sometimes to learn that failure feels yucky. Giving your child a safe world helps him to grow. Kids deserve life necessities. They don't deserve, however, all the frills just handed to them. But parents must step-back as children grow older. They need less of your protection and insight as the develop more capacities to handle life. You don’t have to be harsh, just don’t rescue them without thinking long and hard about it.

You love you kids. You want them to succeed. If you give them everything and rob them of longing and personal achievement, you may still have a kid who finds a way to feel and be successful. Individuals do have a choice in how they deal with the world—parenting doesn’t determine how children will grow up. But parents have a tremendous power. You can help or hinder.

You are hugely significant to your children. Give them the most important thing—believe in them. Believe they can work through difficult situations. Offer help, but don’t take over. Kids need to sort through some challenges to be aware that they have the power to handle life.

You love your kids. Don’t give them everything.

We're Not Through Killing the Marriage

Some relationships start crappy, others take years to reach this level. The really sad thing is that sometimes individuals don’t want to stop the bad, comfortable habits until it’s too late. Most don’t seek professional help until the next step is calling a lawyer.

If you found your soul mate—or a very close fit—you happily snuggle in and set about building a life together. For some people this means unmarried cohabitation, for others a wedding is involved. In the beginning, you can’t imagine living your life apart from this person. You hurry home to see him or her. Your mate is the first person you turn to for comfort when you’re upset.

Then, you set about killing the relationship. You fail to deal with conflicts or find a way to reach resolution. There are lots of distractions in relationship-land. Jobs, school, kids. Heck, even buying a house or the car you always wanted can be a distraction from the trouble sprouting up in the relationship. If you try hard enough, you can manage to ignore relationship issues until they are large and almost insurmountable.

Love within a relationship is killed in small, daily disappointments. Frustration that builds up like corrosion on exposed metal. You tell yourself that you “got over” being mad; you are sure your mate’s forgotten the argument you had last week. After all, the two of you had sex several days after the big blow up. You’re fine. Everything is back to normal and on we go.

Couples dealing with "small" relationship conflicts frequently fail to recognize the road they’re heading down. Big change in how you talk and interact takes big effort and most people don’t want to make these changes if they don’t absolutely have to. It’s not that big a problem, you tell yourself. But if you have conflicts that come up over and over, you have trouble brewing.

Frequently, individuals will say that the conflicts in their relationship are unsolvable. There’s just no fix to it, they often say. So, they soldier on, disconnecting from the issues that make them mad…and disconnecting from one another.

If this goes on long enough, it can lead to estrangement and even to the kind of physical or emotional infidelity that ends many relationships. Cheating is bad for relationships and bad for you personally, but more people cheat than ever before. This doesn’t happen because you’re just basically a bad person. Even good people find themselves in bad situations. If the conduit of emotional connection between two people in a relationship is clogged, feelings get diverted, like water in a broken pipe. In this kind of situation, your need for warmth and fun, for close emotional connection, can lead you into an involvement with a person to whom you’re not married. You can get into an affair before you realize it.

This is a reality for many relationships, but as much massive damage as an affair can cause, it’s really a symptom of the problems between committed couples. Infidelity doesn’t happen like catching the flu—someone breathes bad “cheating” germs on you and suddenly you’ve got to engage in a mattress tango with someone other than your spouse. Infidelity only happens when the emotional connection between spouses is broken. This kind of break typically occurs when individuals aren’t working through their issues.

Of course, not everyone who's relationship is in trouble cheats, but relationships still die when trouble isn't resolved.

Deal with the conflicts. Talk about what makes you mad. Listen—really hard—to your mate. And if you don’t feel like you’re making progress(actually, BOTH of you need to feel like you’re making progress), get into a therapist’s office and get some lessons on working out the conflicts.

Don’t kill your marriage for the lack of attending to the problems soon enough.

All Hollow

Love parties? Always have a bunch of friends texting you and wanting to go out? Believe it or not, being out-going can leave you at risk.

Extroverted people are comfortable meeting new acquaintances and adapt pretty well to new situations. There’s a downside, though, to being externally focused. Life requires some ability to know your own thoughts and beliefs. If you don’t have access to the internal you, you’re left vulnerable. Being extroverted means you need to work harder to think about what you believe, as opposed to what others believe. You’re really good at knowing what’s popular and what will work with the group in which you socialize. You also need to know yourself…and that can be harder.

Extroverts are prey to some specific fears. You might feel uncomfortable when you’re alone. Some people fear this and will seek others most of the time. This can lead to some fairly pointless interaction and may involve some “relationships” you later regret. It’s good to be able to be alone, even if you don’t prefer it. Every individual goes through time without a healthy partner option. This is just a reality. Accepting a poor fit or a bad partner situation because you don’t have someone else lined up means you’ll do almost anything to keep from being alone. Some will always have the television on or an Ipod going or the radio turned up loud. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with any of these pastimes. It becomes a problem when you’re using external sources of stimuli to block out getting to know yourself.

Alone is not a bad thing.

Some people—surrounded by kids, a mate and family that sometimes intrudes—will say they crave alone-time. Most, however, mean they crave being able to decide what to do with their time, usually, not spent alone. They just want to hang out with who they want to hang out. And who can blame them? The problem with always seeking an external focus is that you might not know yourself very well.

Some extroverts really—when they think about it (and you have to make them think about it)—believe there’s nothing inside of them. They fear they are hollow like a chocolate bunny, yummy on the outside, nothing inside. Some think there’s something inside, but believe themselves to be bad or negative. Some just feel depressed when there’s no external stimuli.

Research indicates that all people grow more introverted (aware of their internal thoughts and feelings) as they get older. We live in a culture that seems determined not to age. But what you do with your wrinkles may not be as important as being able to internalize life’s lessons. It’s good to learn from past mistakes. Being aware of missteps helps keep you from repeating them. Self-awareness is an internal thing.

Think of it as having both an external and internal hard drive—you need to be able to use both.

By all means, make friends. We all need others to populate and amuse our lives. When things get rough, your friends can help you hang on. You also need to spend time getting to know what you need and who you are. Alone is not a disease. Embrace it.

Go Ahead, Screw Up

Life is more interesting if you make some mistakes occasionally. Perfection is not a possibility. If you’re out in the world, you’re going to goof up. Advice on making the “right” choice is all around you—from your friends, your partner, your mother. You can find lots of advice on how to style your hair to fit your face and be in fashion, and how to dress right at the office and still be hip. You can find lots of do’s and don’ts in the office, at a barbeque with friends and on how to handle your Valentine’s gifts.

This doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be perfect. Messing up is a reality.

For most people, new endeavors involve shaky beginnings. Like when you first learned to walk or first rode a bike, new adventures are necessarily ungraceful. You might get your hair messed up. You’ll probably fall down. That’s not the point. Getting in the action is more important than always looking good.

Relationships are one of the most complicated things we humans attempt and bad decisions don’t come labeled that way. You may look back and blame yourself for certain actions. Taking responsibility is a good thing, but beating yourself up for your mistakes is a waste of energy. No one—let me stress—no one avoids relationship errors. Having regrets and thoughts on what you’d do differently is an indication of intelligence and of taking responsibility for your own actions.

Whether we’re talking mating or careers, being too conservative can be bad. Choosing to major in accounting(because you’ll always be able to find a job), may not be right for creative or very extroverted people who don’t get a thrill out of balancing numbers. Even if you can do a thing, it doesn’t mean you should.

No matter what life decisions you’re grappling with, don’t expect to be right all the time. If never screwing up is your biggest goal, you’ll live a very narrow life. You’ve got to take the risk of being wrong to find the life that fits you best.

Looking perfect and always saying the right thing isn’t an achievable goal. No matter how hard you try to do and say the right things, you sometimes get it wrong. But being wrong isn’t the death-sentence some people think. Even the smartest people are sometimes clueless. Don’t live so carefully that your biggest goal is to never be wrong. It may feel good for a while, but soon you’ll get bored. Safety is over-rated.

Like turning a car’s steering wheel, life goes better if you’re in action. New activities usually involve some wobbly times. Don’t wait until you think you have it all together and know just what to do. Jump in and get wet. Making mistakes doesn’t feel good, but there’s a point to tolerating this aspect of the learning curve. You have to screw up. It’s required in order to engage with life and move forward.

Married? No Valentine Love?

The Golden Rule has serious limitations. Sometimes, doing unto others the way you want done unto you is a huge mistake.

You might not care for Valentine’s Day. It may seem like a pointless, made-up holiday created by florists and chocolatiers to rip off as many suckers as possible. Maybe the last token of love you gave your spouse was returned the next day. Or worse, maybe your ex- sent the divorce papers on Valentine’s.

February 14 can be a bitter date for some.

For many people, the day for lovers is an opportunity for disappointment. This isn’t just because she expected jewelry and you got her a peek-a-boo nightie. This isn’t just about how much money you did or didn't spend or the sex one of you expected to get. Your underlying reasoning needs some work. Big moments are often less than desired because you tend to tell your loved one of your affection the way you want to be loved.

This is a case of not doing unto others the way you want to be done. Your lover is different from you. Sometimes very different. (If this isn’t true, you have a whole other set of issues.) I’m constantly hearing from individuals in conflicted relationships how their mates are just like me. Don’t kid yourself. He’s not like you.

He’s a different person with a very dissimilar way of thinking. Just because you love stuffed animals bearing red hearts with “I Wuv You” stitched on them, doesn’t mean he wants these. If you get a non-stuffed-animal-lover this kind of token of your love, you’re likely to find said stuffed animal on the floor in a dusty corner tomorrow. Your mate is different from you. Different kinds of things convey your devotion to him. He may want to be treated to a steak dinner and taken home to get his dessert. This may not mean love to you, even if you like steak.

If you really want to convey your love, you need to think about what triggers your loved one to feel loved. Sadly, most people don’t even know what this is! If you’re in a relationship and your mate is important to you, you need to know what says “I love you” to her. Some women love receiving flowers, but they’re just a waste of money to others.

There is no one-size-fits-all here.

The simplest way to find the secret is to ask. Just ask your partner in a non-attacking, non-defensive way: “What makes you feel most loved?” He may have to think about it, but you need to persevere. Even if the answer is quick and doesn’t seem terribly complex or sincere, you need to listen. It may actually be the truth. Your spouse may not know you really are interested in hearing his experience. You may need to ask and ask again, until you get an answer that’s received some serious thought.

When have you felt most loved? Don’t you think you need to know this? If she feels loved when you cook for her (no matter what kind of a cook you are), this will be a terrific piece of information! Just think, if you know what button to push to trigger your spouse to feel loved and cared for, you’d have relationship power and a great communication tool.

If you want to feel loved, your spouse needs to know what says love for you. This may be flowers and a peek-a-boo nightie. Heck, you may be thrilled for any token of affection on Valentine’s Day. On the other hand, you may crave time alone with him or long for a leisurely walk through a park.

Sure, getting a Ferrari with a big bow on the top makes for a terrific commercial, but if you just drive to get from one place to another, what kind of gift is a sports car? Know your lover. Find out what your spouse needs and wants from you, and tell her what works for you.

Communication is vital. Think of it as a hostage exchange. Give me yours and I’ll give you mine. Don’t succumb to the belief that you automatically know what your lover wants. Most people don’t...and that makes for a rough February 15th.

Relationship Do-Overs

It’s like the fish that got away…. Former lovers. Past relationships that fizzled out or exploded in a blaze of broken hearts. Whether you found each other again at a high school reunion or hooked up once more on MySpace, the temptation to go back to a love from days past can be strong.

Ending relationships is typically painful and difficult. You once loved this person and gave a lot of yourself to the relationship. Whether you left, you got left or you both decided to end it, most of us don’t like saying goodbye. Revisiting a broken relationship can feel like finding a lost valuable. It’s exciting and familiar in all the good ways. But is it all good?

Sometimes, individuals find themselves, not with the same someone, but with a similar someone. Relationships and intimate interaction is half you. Are you driving the same track? Picking the same kind of person? Acting the same in different relationships?

If so, you’re going to get very similar results.

Getting involved with a former lover can be very tempting. But you need to ask yourself what’s different now? If the two of you had conflicting values—different lifestyle preferences, conflicts in communication or different views on what the relationship should be—is this conflict still present?

It’s not enough to say you’re going to try harder or that you know now how terrific he is. You fell in love in the first place and somewhere you hit a problem. If you don’t see how this problem can be fixed, why go back? Going back means revisiting all of the problems, too.

Taking a break from a relationship, only to start it up later, doesn’t solve the issues. No matter how attractive it seems, if you haven’t found a solid way to deal with the issues, they’re still a problem. Sometimes, individuals tell themselves that they’re not going to make a big deal of things this time. They’ll roll with the punches or go with the flow or some other cliché that helps them believe they won’t care about what they cared about before.

If you’ve gone through a major transformation…done intensive therapy, done a huge intrapersonal assessment or retooled your value system, maybe then your experience in the relationship will be different. You may, however, need to accept that some relationships aren’t fixable. People who get together because they make good friends can sometimes make an intimate relationship work. After all, friendship is an important part of a loving relationship. But not all friends make good lovers. You may get along great when you’re not sharing a bed or a financial report. It’s easier being friends, than being lovers.

You need to ask yourself: In getting back into this relationship, are you just going for Round Two? Is this the same story over again? If so, you can expect a similar outcome.

Maybe you screwed up in the first go-around. Maybe there are big things you’d do differently. You can try to learn from every relationship, because you’ve given a fair amount of yourself into each one. Relationships are 50/50, even if all you did was give in to your mate all the time. You contributed something, even if it was passivity (not a good thing in a relationship) .

People do change and relationships can be different. You get to change your own function. This is the personal power we all possess. Before you get into a repeat relationship, though, you need to look hard at your own actions and your motivations. More than anything, you need to give serious attention to the question of what’s different now?

Going With Your Gut

Some decisions just feel right. You have a sense of what you need to do—there may be no question about the choice—but basing every decision on how you feel can lead to a very chaotic life.

Emotion alone doesn’t give you a complete reality. You can feel challenged, unloved or frightened, but this can shift rapidly when you get a different perspective on a given situation. Not everything you feel is true in reality. How you feel, though, is really important. You do need to have an awareness of your emotional experience. Some pieces of information come packaged—wrapped—in emotion. You can’t shut these out and be safe. More and more we are realizing that in many life-threatening situations, victims had an awareness of danger(emotion!) and disregarded this.

You need to know how you feel and not disregard emotion. Then, you need to mix your emotional awareness with some level of objective reasoning. This isn’t easy. When you have strong emotions, rational thought can be difficult.

Particularly with those you love, you may struggle to be objective. Loved ones are the people who provoke the strongest emotions in you—both happiness and anger. But even when you feel betrayed or misunderstood or disregarded, you need to strive for a somewhat logical assessment of the situation. You may feel unloved in a moment when you are actually very loved.

Decisions based purely on emotion leave you vulnerable. Whether you’re making a relationship decision (“Yes, I’ve only known him a week, but I’m moving in with him. He treats me like a queen!”) or buying a car. Make sure you look at the situation as rationally as possible. Just because the car saleswoman seems like she’s really trustworthy doesn’t mean the car is the best deal for you. Similarly, when you’re dating, you need to use your head as well as your heart. How well do you really know the person you’re going home with? Do you even know if he voted Republican or Democrat in the election? Or if he voted at all? Just because you feel close to or loved by someone at the moment, doesn't mean you really know him.

More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The biggest issues are money, sex and dealing with kids. You need to know the person you’re getting involved with or just getting into bed with. Relationships are complicated. Throw in a few ex-spouses and a couple of step-kids and you have a very confusing, distressing situation.

Find some rationality and don’t count only on your friends to help you with this. Friends are friends because they’re on your side. This feels nice, but it doesn’t help you to be objective about which job will be best for you and which ex-lover is likely to have changed his stripes. When you have a big decision to make, don’t go solely with your gut.

Major situations shouldn’t be decided on how you feel. Abusers are wonderfully attentive and flattering…in the beginning. Some jobs look great on paper, but would be hell for you. Don’t think you’re better off finding a situation in which you feel good right now. Experiences change and emotion shifts like the weather. Being able to anchor yourself on reality, gives you a better handle on making choices.

Ask yourself--given all the information in a situation--what you’d tell one of your friends she should do. Step out of your situation and try to look at it as if this wasn’t about you. Think what you’d say to a child of yours, if he were in a similar situation. If you can, talk with a therapist. Being completely outside of the situation, he or she should be able to help you see aspects you haven’t considered.

Finding a complete picture in a situation means including both the logical and the subjective. Listen to your heart, but don’t disregard your head. Both are important.