GIVING HIM UP...

Responding first to readers have asked for help:

"I am a 22 year old single mother and I have a two year old son. I was not ready for my son when I became pregnant. I love my son a lot, but lately I have not been able to deal with all the whining that he's been doing. He whines about every little thing and, due to the other stresses that I have no job, no money, I just can't take it anymore. I'm to the point that I want to give him up for adoption. I have no more patience left. How do I deal with all of this." B.T.

First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. Young children are very demanding--a sentiment you don't find on Mother's Day cards. There are programs that attempt to help young parents deal with the stresses, but that doesn't seem to be what you wrote about.

Adoption is a very loving option. Never doubt this. There's a lot of publicity about teens who keep their newborns and this is an option, but it's not for everyone. Raising a child demands a lot. It can limit your educational and financial possibilities and make you feel crazy. Even more mature parents feel like doing harm to kids--hopefully they don't, but they feel like it.

Whether or not you terminate a pregnancy, give your child up for adoption or keep it and try to move forward is a very, very personal choice. Don't let other voices try to steer you in a certain direction. This is something you get to--and have to--decide. Kids deserve loving care. If you're still a kid yourself, it's hard to give this to an infant.

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"A concerned friend of my teen daughter forwarded to me a text message she received from my daughter today. In the text message, my daughter indicates she can't take any more and today will be the last day she sees her. The source of the problem...rumors and some "just plain mean" girls at the school. This is not the first time this has happened.... My daughter has...unrealistic (maybe) expectations of others. For her, it's 100% loyalty no matter what. I have been very worried about her for a while, but not to the extent of forging a suicide watch. She can be...dramatic at times, but never made a statement like that before.... Is she serious? Is she just being dramatic and seeking attention? In the past, I have tried to fix things for her, but usually I just make it worse. How do you know how hard to push someone who could be fragile to the point of suicide? I just don't know how to help my daughter and I don't want to lose her." K.C.

First off, never take this lightly.

Teen suicide is a particularly tragic choice. The challenges facing these kids often seem small when viewed from a larger perspective. My recommendation is to get the kid to a therapist immediately. If she'll talk with the counselor, she'll find new ways to deal with the mean kids and a bigger picture of her future.

If you don't have insurance that provides mental health benefits, look for therapists who offer a sliding scale. Many professionals set aside some part of their practice to people with limited incomes. People in the counseling professions are generally very caring.

Look for help. You don't have to handle this scary moment by yourself.

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Just a word about conflict in relationships. Don't think this has to be ugly. You need to work through the issues, but that doesn't have to involve hitting or screaming at one another. There will be anger--that's a given. You get angry when you don't feel listened to and he gets mad when he thinks you're not listening to him.

Conflict resolution involves you struggling to see his point of view. This can be very difficult and you'll want to argue because he's got it so wrong. Don't. Don't rush in to challenge his perspective or restate yours. Just listen--even when he's got it all wrong. Then repeat what he's saying back to him to make sure you heard him. After this, after you've heard his side of things, you get to talk about how you see it.

You have to listen though. Don't allow yourself to be rehearsing your rebuttal while he's talking.

SETTLING: Better Than Nothing?

Before I get to the subject of this column, I want to respond to several emails from readers that who actually asked for advice:

"They Won't Let Me Drive" writes that he's a 22 year old and his parents, with whom he still lives, insist he take "their test" before they allow him to get his driver's license. "...I'm going to school and working...purchased my own car two years ago...have insurance on the car...," but his parents still insist he pass their driving test. He's started this several times, but when they think he's made a mistake he must start all over. They Won't Let Me Drive asks that I talk with or email his parents and "put some sense" in their heads.

Since you wrote me--not your parents--my response is directed to you. Why are you--an adult--allowing them to decide when you get your drivers license? You've bought a car, insured it and are able to pay for the gas. Get your license and use the car, for heaven's sake. Trust me, the Driver's License Bureau doesn't require 22 year olds to have a permission note from their parents.

You might still rely on their financial support and, if so, this is probably a complex way for them to maintain a hold on you. You need to consider living on your own dime.

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To "I Don't Get Love in Return" who's been in an abusive relationship and who's current husband cheated on her, I'd recommend taking a serious look at how you pick your mate. She says, "...I feel I give a lot of myself and I'm a giving and loving person. I'm always there for everyone I love and care about, but..." that's not what she gets in return.

Sadly, relationships don't come with guarantees. I wish they did, but I think you might benefit from looking at how you pick the guys you're with. It pays to use your head in choosing a partner, not just your heart(or your lust). When making relationship choices, look at what the person does, not just what he says. Actions speak way louder than words. Some guys are great at whispering sweet words, but not so good at acting in a loving manner.

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Now, let's talk about Settling. It may seem better than being alone or better than a string of high-passion, big-disappointment relationships, but you need to look carefully when making relationship decisions. In the search for love-true-love, you're wise to give up fantasy. No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. The best anyone can do is to try hard to work on themselves and to learn.

That being true, you need to recognize that relationships aren't safety vaults, either. You can't find a person with whom your guaranteed a no-risk life. Love means putting your heart on the line. If you deliberately get into a relationship with someone who you only feel okay about, you're guaranteed not safety, but stagnation. You'll probably end up going your separate ways, too, because you won't meet his needs, either.

It's always wise to pick a mate with demonstrated values close to your own, but who has a very different personality than you. Think about this like finding a mate who's on the other end of the teeter totter. Find someone you really, really enjoy and who challenges you, as well as, compliments you. You're looking for balance, not a lack of conflict.

Conflict feels bad, but when worked through successfully, it empowers you. You feel strong and it knits relationships together.

"I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO..."

Few things make hearts grow bigger and emotions rise than looking down at the face of a newborn who depends on you. Parenting is a major life choice and it leads individuals into enriching and challenging moments...some that are both at the same time.

But it's important to realize what love is and what it's not.

Most know what love feels like, but that feeling has to be connected to loving behavior to be love. You probably been told that others love you when it seems clear that love isn't involved. No where is this more obvious than in the parenting experience and that's understandable because loving actions with a growing child are different each day.

Kids start out small and totally helpless. They need someone to provide sustenence and shelter them from harsh winds. They need a lot and they yell loudly when this need is felt. As a parent, you want to provide even when you're tearing your hair out. At some point, though, you have to specifically decide what not to provide.

This is when it gets confusing.

I love you enough to...not clean up your messes." This means all the messes--from literal ones to friendship issues to financial challenges when your child is an adult. You cleaned up after him when he was two and he spilled his milk, but you expected his fourteen year old self to clean up his own soda spills, right? When he was six and some kid bullied him at school, you marched up there and talked to the principal, but when he's twenty-six and he's having trouble in his work colleagues, its really his ball game.

The same goes for over-extending his credit when he's thirty-six and in major credit card debt. It gets blurrier at this point, though. You still want to help, but there are many factors to consider before deciding what actually is help and what's not. If you can do so without endangering your own retirement funds, you may offer to help. Just remember--help doesn't always bring gratitude...or change in the behavior that got your child into trouble in the first place. Sometimes, the helpee resents needing the helper--which feels wrong when you're the helper, but it is what it is.

Your children can resent needing, being helpless or strapped. This isn't what you were going for when you agreed to help.

"I love you enough...to let you learn the hard lessons." No one, even kids, like to have their faces rubbed in their screw-ups. If your adult children suffer relationship failure, it isn't loving or helpful to point out that you never liked the ex. You may be privately glad she's out of a bad situation, but you don't get to gloat. You may not feel like you're celebrating their struggles, but it can seem like this if you aren't very, very careful what you say. Your kids won't thank you for saying "I told you so" anymore than you liked it when your mother said it to you.

You may have the urge to point out the lesson to be learned, in hopes that your kid doesn't come back here, but you need to resist unless specifically asked--and even then, think before answering.

"I love you enough to...let you fail." This is perhaps the hardest part about parenting. Failure teaches lessons that are never forgotten. Let your kids have these profound moments, even though it hurts you to watch them hurt. We all fail. We try something that doesn't work. We get into relationships that should work, but don't.

Let your children get the lessons that come with life challenges. When they screw up, they need to clean up to realize that they can. You aren't always going to be there to fix the problems. Your kids need to know that they're alright without you. They need to fail in order to learn that they can succeed. It's hard to watch, but this is love.

If your children don't fail, they don't learn.

"SHOULD I LEAVE HIM?" TOUGH DECISION

To an outsider, relationship decisions may seem very clear, but both financial and emotional considerations can make these less obvious.

What if you're with a cheater? Most individuals stay in a relationship through one infidelity--"he was drunk", "we'd had a fight", "we were going through a rough patch". You probably have many things to sort through. But what if there is more than one infidelity? One reader is struggling with this issue and writes, "We've been together for 2 years. We met immediately after my divorce [and] things progressed pretty quickly between us...after 10 months, I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him; he deployed less than 1 month after I got there. I then waited for him during his deployment.... When he returned home..., I found out that he had cheated on me before I ever even moved away with him. This crushed me, but I also felt that since it [happened over a year ago], things had changed. I decided that because I love him so much & he says he loves me, that he is sorry, won't do it again & that he doesn't want me to leave, that I would try to get past this."

The reader goes on to say that there was cheating after this--always followed with a moving apology. "There are other factors that I feel are having an affect on his behavior...he was diagnosed with depression...[and] had a very traumatic "experience" when he was young...and he just found out that he has a son from a previous 'relationship'. Maybe I am trying to make excuses to myself for him, but I love him.... I don't want to leave. He says he loves me & I believe he does love me.... My question is should I leave this individual?"

This kind of situation is what motivated me to write Should I Leave Him? This reader would be wise to read Chapter Five "Determine The Real Reason You're In This Relationship". Understanding what's keeping her there may help her decide what to do.

To anyone outside the relationship, it seems clear that this guy is going to continue to cheat. If she wants to stay in this with him, she should know he's going to be with others outside their relationship.

Another reader is with a man who she says isn't emotionally supportive. She's the one considering having sex outside the relationship. After 21 years of marriage, she's trying to decide if she should leave, saying the last half of the marriage he has seemed cold to her. "He makes no initiative.... We agreed to have a child...but are having complication[s] conceiving. I have been the one having to make the steps to...do everything, from doctors appointment[s] to testing...he never even went to the appointment [for him]." The relationship is emotionally estranged and they have little communication. "I know that we need counseling...we don't hold hands...cuddle...have sex beyond the bed...It's sickening..."

This reader feels so estranged in the relationship that she's been "chatting on-line....There's one particular gentleman that strikes my attention.... He is not in the states, God, if he were I would be there where he is.... That keeps me from going outside my marriage to have sex....[My husband and I] do not talk to each other for hours...My question is should I leave this individual? In [considering] whether to leave, I have no income of my own...it is all tied up in our accounts together. So, what should I do?"

The decision of whether or not to leave a relationship is intensely personal and has to be considered in light of your individual situation. Ask yourself--"Is this relationship bringing me more than it's costing me?"

It may seem like money issues shouldn't play any role in the decision to stay in a relationship or leave, but this is unrealistic. Money effects many aspects of life and has to be considered. But is it a reason to stay? And if you're staying for the cash, can you expect the relationship to have any emotional reward?

This reader needs to find herself another source of income. If money is the only thing holding her here, she's accepting a very limited relationship and she's clearly unhappy with this. How long before she finds a guy on-line who lives much closer to her and finds herself seeking connection and sex outside her marriage?

The answer may not be so clear from the inside as it seems to those looking in.

THINK BEFORE HAVING KIDS

Few would argue that children change things, we just not always clear on what that means. Having kids isn't an automatic action--they deserve better and so do you.

There are lots of reasons given for having children, the most disturbing of which is one of the most frequently cited: If you don't have kids who will care for you when you're old? There is a big assumption in this and a real sad commentary on the parenting experience. Think about it, even if you have kids, you have no guarantee that they'll want to or chose to take care of you in your old age. Sometimes this is presented as a debt--After all, I cared for you when you were young. There's some troubling tit-for-tat going on in this. Even if your adult children do care for you when you're too old to care for yourself, they may not view care-taking in the same way you do.

Couples also have kids thinking it'll draw them closer. This is a major misconception. Yes, you weep with joy together when the child is born, but actually caring for children puts a great strain on relationships. Studies show that the years when couples are parenting young children are the unhappiest years of a marriage. This doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you love your kids. It's just a tremendous job--taking lots of time and energy. Some relationships don't survive this; some do.

Some individuals have kids because they see this as part of the natural progression of life and they want to be in that flow. Just don't think that this is an inevitability. Not everyone is physically able to have children; some don't want the lifestyle that parenting brings. This is a life choice: You can have kids or not. You decide and you need to put this decision in the context of the other choices you're making.

Kids deserve consistent, loving, present parents. If you're not able to--or don't want to--give this, don't become a parent.

Choosing a child-free life is an option that some have embraced. They invest in their careers and their relationships. Most have invested interaction with other people's kids, they just don't raise any themselves. Think of Oprah.

If you want to nurture another life, sitting with it through burp-ups and teething, not to mention negative teacher interactions and the complexities of adolescence, then have kids. Parenting, like other life choices, can be challenging and enriching. Whether you have your own birth child or adopt, parenting is a noble, frustrating, heart-warming, maddening thing to do. It can be a wonderful choice. If not approached with some self-understanding and understanding of the process, it can also be wrenching and deeply sad.

Children deserve to be wanted and met with reasonable expectations. Life is hard enough without having to shoulder parents' issues. Understand your motivation in entering the parenting experience.

Give the choice some thought.

TROUBLESOME RELATIVES

Everyone's got them--relatives who make you nuts and leave you wanting to shake some sense into them.

S.D. writes "I have a mother who is VERY HARD to communicate with. My mother and older sister are so much alike. I've never had a close relationship with either of them. There are a lot of issues I wish to address but feel it is impossible to get through to them." She continues on, writing about an adolescent brother and her mom's poor parenting of him. "What should I do? And what should I do if I want to be closer to my mom and sister?"

Another reader writes of her concern for her elderly parents and their distress over the state of her relationship with her sister. She feels her sister is destructive to her and bullying, but her parents are torn between the two sisters. The reader says she feels happier and at peace with her decision to end her relationship with her sister. "I needed to let her go for my health and happiness...She has done numerous cruel, childish things to me...She wants an apology[from me] .... Am I wrong...to [not] keep a negative, hurtful person in my life because they can't deal with her?"

Just because you're biologically related to others doesn't mean the interaction is automatically healthy. Ask the kids in foster care. The problem with family members, though, is that you sometimes think you ought to be able to tell them how you see things and that they ought to give your opinion some consideration. S.D. disagrees with the way her mother parents her teenage brother--and it can be hard to watch what you consider poor parenting. But does that mean you can share your opinions and mom should be happy about them? Let's be straight about this, you're talking about your conviction that your mom is doing a very poor parenting job...and you want her to be happy about your opinion? Not going to happen.

S.D. asks what she should do to be closer to her mom and sister, but I'm wondering if closeness is really desired in this situation. If you don't like them, you don't want to get that much closer...and it's okay not to like them. Some of us have really unlikeable relatives.

The reader who writes about her elderly parents grieving over her non-relationship with her sister also has to accept some unhappy realities. There's nothing to be done about their sadness that the two of you are at such odds. They wish for a Norman Rockwell family, which is understandable. You know that's not how things are. They can't have what they want, which stinks. This reader can only be a loving daughter. There's nothing she can do to change her sister and self-protection is a right. On the other hand, dear reader, look at your own behavior. Try to be the best person you can be. You have power over your own choices, not over your sister's choices or those of your parents.

This can be a tough reality. You can't change others--even the ones you love. You only get to direct your own life. Whether this includes bad parenting of a younger sibling or a desire for you to get along better with a relative who's bad for your health, you have to take care of yourself.

This is hard enough.

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For women dealing with relationship decisions--like Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock--I have book that's being released this month. Should I Leave Him? specifically focuses on how to address the challenging decision of whether to stay or go. It also offers some concrete suggestions on ways damaged relationships can be improved, if that's what both parties want. And if you decide you need to move on, there are specific ideas on creating a new life for yourself. Should I Leave Him? is available at your local bookstore and on-line at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com.

I WAS HAPPY WHEN...

Nostalgia has it's place, but don't forget to be somewhat realistic about the old days. Happiness is a general condition of feeling good about one's life, good about one's work and good about relationships--basically, feeling good about one's self. It's easy to get sucked into the belief that former days were golden times with little of the issues you now face.

Don't fool yourself. And don't buy the "I'll be happy when..." thinking, either. If you believe you need a marriage or a job (rough times in the job market) to feel content in your life, you're wishing instead of living. People who win the lottery report that their happiness quickly returns to what it was before the big event. Those who pine for certain events or conditions to change their lives are often disappointed when these events occur. Ever talked to a parent who ached and longed for children before the infant arrived? She is probably quick to say she loves her child, but also quick to report that there have been challenging moments, too. This is not to say that she's not thrilled to have a child, but that life isn't ever easy, if you define easy has having no conflicts and facing no challenges.

This kind of thinking implies that you need circumstances to be all good before you can be happy. Circumstances are rarely all good.

Frequently when couples come in for relationship counseling, one or the other will refer wistfully back to when things were great. Relationships are challenging and generally have both euphoric and despondent moments. It isn't realistic to think you'll find one that has no conflict and no down moments. Sometimes those down moments can be really, really low.

Happiness is generally a matter of outlook and belief in yourself. If you feel that you're fairly competent and pretty much in charge of your own circumstances, you'll tend to feel happy overall. You don't want your life experience to be determined by the situations in which you find yourself. Few of us are happy when we end up in a fender bender or get a cold, but these things occur in life. We make mistakes and have to deal with the challenges that follow. As frustrating as these can be, it's important to catch the lesson that comes with these. Happiness is built on finding (no, I'm not going to break into song here) the silver lining to the cloud. The few drips of value you can wring from a really unhappy moment.

We learn through those moments, not from the lovely, wonderful times.

Lovely, wonderful times are terrific and you want as many of these as you can get, but don't think happiness is about needing to get everything--and everyone--straight and on track. Parents who try to do this with their children are asking for trouble since kids have minds of their own--which you want them to have, after all.

Your happiness isn't defined by re-capturing a moment from the past or by achieving a perfect blend of all the right things in the future. Happiness is a life condition. You can make good choices for you--and I hope you will--but you'll still have bad things you'll have to deal with.

Happiness requires you to have faith in your own ability to handle whatever comes.