LIVE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING

Our behavior is often influenced by our belief that others are watching, criticising and judging us. This anxiety often constricts and narrows our perspective. We don't get to the simple choice of "what do I want to do here" because we worry about how we're viewed by others.

Don't get me wrong--others' matter a whole bunch. We need, however, to get in touch with our own inner voice and we need to worry less about what someone else may think.

This self-consciousness is based on an inaccurate belief--others really aren't watching as much as you think. Most often, the people around us are engaged in worrying about themselves and their lives. Whether they are consumed with thoughts about their relationships, their kids or their jobs, other people are almost always not looking at you.

In the last decade or so, the number of people seeking therapy due to anxiety-related symptoms has increased. This may be due to our growing sense that hostile others can invade(or take) our lives or we might have money and/or job concerns. Regardless, a lot of us are worried.

We lose sight of the fact that we are competent individuals, capable of many amazing things, of bravery and acts of great kindness.

Yes, you. You have these capacities. You're probably very aware of your failures and you flaws. You can list the situations you've screwed up. These moments are vivid in your mind. If I ask, however, for a list of your successes--of the challenges you've overcome--you'll probably struggle to acknowledge these.

There are people in this world who hurt others--the Newtown, Connecticutt massacre, for instance. Times that humans act harshly toward other humans, often the innocent, but although these catch our attention and appall us, the percentage of individuals doing these heinous acts is small.

Most of us are actually pretty decent.

Some people tell me they've had no successes. I disagree. From the greatest--forgiving those who've hurt you or diving into complex, challenging situations--to the smallest--just showing up to my office--you're making successful choices all the time. You need to give yourself more credit. You've earned it.

Most people want to disagree with this, listing their failings. Yes, we do all fail. Sometimes spectacularly. This doesn't mean we're worthless, though. We humans learn through failure. Don't beat yourself up over how you've messed up, learn from it.

There are moments when--if we thought no one was watching--we'd do bad things, but we also have, in our most pure moments, times of great bravery and selflessness. We lift burning cars off the injured, we rush to save those being threatened. We may not all have these big moments of bravery, but we reach out to others who are hurting.

We do hard and scary things.

So, be silly and goofy sometimes. Be brave. Be yourself, the person you want to be.

Believe in yourself and in your capacity to negotiate this world, even when things are tough.

HOLIDAYS AND FAMILIES

The holiday season can be joyous and filled with fun.

It's supposed to be a big family time of the year, whether you go to church together or focus more on the secular side of things. Some families, however, have difficult times. Alcohol and togetherness can bring out unresolved issues and make getting together a very stressful experience.

Even when there are no chemical dependency issues and you all get along together, families can find gift-giving challenging when money and expectations collide. Many are now trying to get out of crushing debt, while others deal with fatigue over money issues by spending more freely. What if these two attitudes are in the same family and one gives socks and pajamas while the other side hands out Ipods? This is even more of a challenge if unemployment enters the picture or if one sibling feels parents favor another child.

However you look at it, a supposedly joyful time can be fraught with stress.

There are some who find that family isn't necessarily and safe or happy place to be. These individuals are often left trying to find a way to spend December 25th and struggling to fit into what seems like a world obsessed with the holidays.

It's not all snow and mistletoe for everyone.

Particularly for those with fractured families. Some people have already come to terms with their toxic experience with relatives, but others struggle forward, not wanting to accept that things may not be all rosey when they sit down around the turkey(or Tofurkey). Many people spend time and too much money with relatives, trying to feel normal--which is to say happy--when they feel anything but.

For some individuals, they just feel they need a place to go...and you're supposed to spend the holidays with your family, right?

Like all of human experience, families aren't perfect. We need to strive to fix ourselves and our relationships, but relationships are made up of more than one person...and not all are motivated to address problems.

If your family experience is anything but enjoyable, you can spend the holiday time donating your resources to help the less fortunate. Or you can create your own family, spending time with the people who do contribute to your life. Friends often feel like family.

Perhaps we need to broaden our definitions of what the holidays are about. Not just gift-giving(or getting), but a time to play, to minister to others and to recharge our batteries. However you do that.

REACHING THE END

More than half of marriages fail and those are just the couples that made a legal commitment. Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Sometimes they flourish and sometimes they don't.

Whether or not you're in a troubled relationship, you'll have noticed that lots of people have lots of opinions about what needs to be done. I mean, lots of people. No matter whether we are ourselves in a relationship or have faced making the choice of staying in one, we seem to all have opinions about what others should do. And most people don't hesitate to share these.

But here's the reality--only you get to decide what you want to do about your relationship.

Even if friends and family members have stood by you and held your hand while you talked endlessly about your struggles with your partner, you're still the only one deciding. This isn't an easy choice. Even if the two of you have had really hard times for way too long. Even if there has been infidelity or chemical abuse or both. You're still the one experiencing the good times and the bad.

The ones who love you--and who may have moved you in and out of the home you share with your mate--get to have opinions, but they need to think hard and long before they share these with you. You're the one in the relationship. You see aspects of your partner that no one else sees...and you know in your heart how you may have contributed to the problems the two of you have had.

No one--not best friends or parents--has the right to tell you what you ought to do. Not even professionals. Occasionally, clients will ask me what I think they should do about their marriages. I understand the confusion and the desire not to make a choice that will be regretted, but I'm not the one living in the relationship. Even though it might seem easier if I tell you what I think you ought to do, you need to trust in yourself and make the choice that seems most clear to you.

If you stay where you are, you need to find improvement, a way to make the really bad stuff better. If you can't, then you probably need to end it. Relationships involve two people. Focus on your part of things and work to straighten out your own behavior. It's very easy and very common to see your partner's bad actions. These stand out like they're written in neon.

It's harder to see how we've contributed to the mess. Every situation in life has a lesson, though, and you don't want to miss yours. Talking with a therapist can help you see angles you might have missed. You'll also feel heard --listened to--and this can be a priceless gift. When someone really listens to your concerns, you actually get to hear yourself.

This helps you get clearer on your situation.

You get to decide when you've reached the end of a relationship. No one else should try to convince you of this, even if they've watched you struggle.

Struggles can bring us to new realizations.

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

"I have 2 daughters. One is married with a baby and my older daughter is gay and has a partner.
When my youngest daughter was still in the hospital after the delivery of her son, her husband made sexual advances toward my older daughter-asking her if she had ever been with a man and saying that he'd been “thinking“ of her constantly. When we are together, he tries to spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with my daughter. She's done everything to discourage him and she's very upset that he's done this. She and her sister are very close.

My married daughter has had a lot of trauma in her life. She was raped at 18 while attending college. She attempted to take her life after the incident (unknown to us). We only discovered this after the suicide death of our only son. She made some bad relationship choices after the rape, which included getting into an abusive situation.

My question now is--should my daughter tell her about her husband's advances?? She seems unhappy with him anyway--but we do not want to cause more conflict. Does she have a right to know?? They really have no sex life and she says he's not seemed interested in that aspect of their marriage. She has related this to me and my daughter on several occasions.

If your advice is that my daughter should tell her--we would not be involved  any way. We do not want her to know that we know about the situation. It would strictly be between my two daughters.

Please help us make a good decision! We do not want her to further traumatize her life. She deserved the "right" decision from us."--Concerned Mother

 

*

 

Dear Concerned Mother,

 

Whether or not she tells her sister about the husband's overtures is up to her, but she needs to consider some possible outcomes. People vary on whether or not they want to be told bad things about their mates. If your daughter tells her sister, her sister may flat-out refuse to believe her and the relationship between them will suffer. On the other hand, her sister might be upset if this infomation is withheld and she later learns of it.

 

Her sister's marriage is pretty bad as it is, but sis hasn't decided to leave him. Getting a divorce is a very personal decision and your married daughter has a right to do this in her own time--or not at all. If she wants to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage, she gets to do that.

 

Either way, you're right to stay out of it. Your daughter needs to make the decision herself.

 

What you can do, however, is encourage your traumatized daughter to take care of herself. She deserves to get therapy to help her heal from her trauma and her bad relationship choices. Help this daughter see that you believe in her, that you know she has the capacity to live a fullfulled life. Then let her make her own relationship choices. Act like she's an intelligent, capable individual.

 

Your other daughter needs to take a strong stand with her sister's husband--she needs to tell him with conviction that his sexual advances toward her have to stop. In the strongest possible terms, she needs to indicate that they will be spending no one-on-one time and his continued pursuit of her will force her to let his wife know just what he's up to.

 

If he then continues to try to force his presence on her, she needs to level with her sister in the most matter-of-fact way. Her sister still may not believe her, but at least she'll have blown the dirty secret open.

 

**

 

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

 

People often want to bring others in for therapy so I can straighten them out. Parents bring surly teens and five year-olds who throw tantrums. Husbands bring wives and wives bring husbands. Grandparents sometimes try to make appointments for their adult grandkids.

 

Others' issues are always very clear to us, but the reality is that we each get to direct our own lives. We get to choose whether or not we pay attention to our consequences and whether we change our behavior accordingly. Basically, we each get to be in charge of our own lives, even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

 

When I'm faced with a third-party bringing someone in for me to "fix them", I have to break the news that I don't have the power to change someone. This is usually a shock. Even clients who've come in because of their own issues, sometimes get frustrated that I don't have a magic wand to wave over them to make it all better.

 

What I do have is a clear perspective on whatever you're facing. And I can help you see your own struggles. I can also help you see your alternatives and the possible consequences of each of these.

 

You have mothers and partners and friends who are all eager to tell you just what you should do. That's not my job. I don't have the power to magically wean you from your bad habits; I can't make kids behave by just telling them they should(always frustrating to parents).

 

I am a pretty good listener, though, and that's not a small thing. Listening is huge and most of us struggle to do this with the ones we love.

 

You can listen without agreeing(always a big concern) and you can reflect back to the ones you love what you heard them say. You'll be wrong, at first, but with continued effort, the one you're listening to will manage to say what he means and you'll finally be able to hear him. This is a pretty big thing and it helps us be open to feedback when we think we're actually being listened to.

 

You have to accept first, however, that your brother/mate/son/friend has the right and power to direct his own life. He doesn't have to do it your way and you don't have the power or the right to insist that he see it your way.

DON'T TAKE THEIR CONSEQUENCES

My daughter and her husband have been having problems for quite a while. In fact, he says he hasn’t felt right about them for 3 years. (They are married 6+).  My husband and I have stayed out of it, unless she asks for help.  They still live together, but more or less as roommates.  He doesn’t know what he wants.  He finally has agreed to counseling, but they haven’t started yet.  Last night, my daughter called and asked what we were doing about Father’s Day, saying she'd like her husband included in our family plans.  We have not spoken to him for months and we are devastated at how he is treating her. We really do not want to be around him right now.  My daughter thinks we should put her feelings before our own because we are the parent and children should come first. When we were raising our children, they were put first before our own needs, but as an adult that does not apply.  We will support her any way we can and hopefully in the future, we will be able to have a relationship with our son-in-law.  But there is just too much pain and hurt to want to have him as part of family functions.  Are we wrong for feeling this way?

*

Dear Concerned Parent,

They may not still be together come Father's Day, as that will be six months off.  I don't agree that adult children should always be put first, but this conflict isn't really about that. It's about conveying to your daughter that you accept her as a person in her own right. That you believe in her, even when she's not sure she believes in herself. She's the only one who can decide if her marriage is working for her, not you.

You love your daughter and you want the best for her. That means you need to follow her lead in this. As parents, we're always working our way out of a job. We encourage them and try to teach our children what they need to be strong adults, so let her do that here. She's in an unhappy situation with her husband and, as difficult as that is to watch, you have to take the back seat on this one.

Unless her husband has physically attacked her or you--or stolen from you--you have to let her decide what family functions to include him in. Whatever she does with the marriage is her decision. You may be disappointed in your son-in-law. You might have felt close to him, but are now repulsed by who he's shown himself to be. It's still her call whether she continues to be married to him or not.

In the past, my husband and I talked of traveling over the Christmas holidays so we wouldn't have to deal with our troubled children and their troubled relationships. We didn't end up doing this, but I very much understand your desire to avoid interacting with your son-in-law. You need to suck it up, however. Smile at him and sincerely wish him to find whatever he needs. Even if you don't like him--or he doesn't seem to like you--hope for his learning.

You didn't want your parents deciding who you should or shouldn't be with. Now it's time to let your daughter make her big decisions.

**

 

DON'T TAKE THEIR CONSEQUENCES

 

It's very difficult to watch your child struggle, even when she deserves it. Parents frequently wrestle with the question of what they did wrong when a child of theirs makes a choice that leads to lousy consequences. As a parent, you had your difficult moments, but you shouldn't accept responsibility for the actions your child takes. The older the child, the more she gets to direct her life. This is her right and her responsibility.

 

When a kid is under legal age, parents have the role to direct her, but when you have an adult(or nearly-adult) child, you need to step back and make sure you're not stealing your child's learning.

 

When you make her consequences go away, you're robbing her of a learning opportunity. Don't do that, even if you have the kindest motivation. Even if watching her struggle is painful for you.

 

It's just part of the cost of parenting.

 

When I watched my first child learn to crawl and saw her heading away from me, I had a clear moment of seeing the future. No matter how much they love you, they need to lead their own lives. You will always be important to her--kids love even parents who abuse and neglect them--but you have to find a way to develop a new role. Be a loving, supportive parent who believes in her, even when she doesn't believe in herself.

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

"I was involved in an relationship when I was only 24 years old with a girl who had just completed her high school education. She got pregnant and we had a baby girl. Being a person who is a victim of family breakup, I decided to take her as my wife.

Now the problem is that I believe our relationship was not based on love, but on infatuation and lust and that was by me. Her position was that she breakup with me, but I forced on her and she almost left for her home village. I tried by all means to break the move and I managed. We got married through the traditional way. During that time that I was supposed to pay dowry, she got pregnant for the second born and we were blessed with a baby girl.

From that time, we are not agreeable. We just argue and she has insisted for the third time that we should go our way. I have always objected to this. I am writing this email after we had a discussion. We didn't agree, but I told to consider me a husband and have respect for the family. I even told her that if she wants to be with me, she better follow my instructions. If not ready then the door are always open.

 

My question is this forcing marriage on her"? Please help. I feel helpless. She does not care for me. We have three children. My father and mother divorced in 1983 when I was just 5 years old.

The bottomline is I spend most or all of my time trying to make the relationship work to no avail. I love her and I don't want the kids to go through what I went through."

*

 

Dear Distressed Father,

 

Just because you two disagree, doesn't mean your wife doesn't love you. Has she told you she doesn't care for you? From what you wrote(praise to you for knowing even this much of a foreign language),  it's clear that you love your children and you're very concerned that they not have the same experience you had as a boy. I don't know if your dad stayed in your life or what difficulties followed the divorce, but parents separating can be hard on kids.

 

If the two of you fight all the time, though, your children have a rough home life, even now. You've tried arguing, insisting and demanding your wife do things your way and these aren't working. Either you need to learn to listen to her complaints--and stop trying to force her to follow you--or you need to let her go.

 

Being a divorced father doesn't mean you have to be an absent father. You can still see your kids regularly and be a loving dad, even if you don't live with them. Divorce is hard on kids, but having parents who fight and argue all the time is worse. 

 

**

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

 

Bad things happen in every life--some of these caused by us and some the results of random events. If we did something foolish or didn't realize the results of our choices, we can feel very badly about causing a crisis in our lives. Every one of us messes up sometimes. It's part of existing on this planet.

 

Random events also happen. We certainly don't deserve everything we must deal with. Sometimes the innocent suffer, but suffering isn't just for the blameless.

 

The important thing to remember is that we need to learn from every one of these bad situations. Whatever our personal crises involves, we need to meet our challenges with an open mind. What can I learn from this? Some crisis are initiated by our own actions--by what we do or don't do--but wallowing in regret is a waste of energy. Acknowledge the feeling. Own it, but don't swim in it too long.

 

Even if we didn't ask for these situations by making questionable choices, we still can always look to the learning. Difficult situations lead to loss, heartbreak and loneliness and these can lead to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is where we can learn. Sometimes, the greatest learning is in how we respond to challenges.

 

We tend to bemoan difficult situations and often blame ourselves, even when we could have done nothing to change the events. Bemoaning is understandable, but nothing is gained by beating yourself up. There are choices you'd make differently, of course. But learning from the situation can be blocked when we're so disgusted with ourselves that we're unable to take an objective look at where we are.

Be honest with yourself, but don't be cruel. Finding the right balance will help you take whatever positive growth you can from your challenging moments.

EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE

You and your mate probably had fun picking your wedding invitations and celebrating the day, but becoming a union is a little more challenging. Marriages die half the time and these aren't good odds. You may know people--intelligent, attractive folk--who've been married multiple times. You may be in this group yourself.

The tough times come, though, and sometimes they're a surprise. You may have had an inkling of trouble ahead, but you figured it would work out. After all, you loved one another. This seems like it should make things easier, but we're at our most vulnerable and most difficult with those we love.

Take the time now to think about what you expected marriage to mean. This is different for different people and we don't usually discuss these differences. Even if you and your mate seem very similar in backgrounds, political party and life preferences, ironing out your differences is challenging. You need to think--as honestly as possible--what you want out of marriage or couplehood. It's difficult for many to be this introspective, but knowing this about yourself makes it easier to deal with the bumps in the relationship.

Handling Money

This is the biggest issue in most marriages. Think about whether you fall into the spend or saver categories. This is a range and probably isn't either/or, but your attitude about money is huge when it comes to sharing income with someone else. Some couples try to go around this issue by never putting their money together. They keep separate check books and credit cards, sharing expenses. But what if one of you makes a lot more than the other? Does the one with more income pay a larger percentage of the bills? Do you live where the poorer one can afford a home or do you buy where the one with more money wants?

How do you pay for vacations and eating out? Everything from money spent on household items to money spent at leisure comes right down to your attitude about finances.

Sex

Some people want it every day and others are good with twice every month. Is fidelity important to you? It isn't to some, but most require this in their intimate relationships. (Think carefully before you make broad statements about what you'd do if your partner cheats. This is hard to know until you're facing it.) Some marriages exist without sex, either at the beginning or--more likely--as they progress. Be aware that unless you've both agreed to a celibate marriage, no sex is an indication of problems between you.

Lifestyles
 
If you're a party animal and your mate just wants a quiet life with the two of you, you'll have major issues. You need to know what you want. Not that your mate has to have your same attitude toward social time--I cannot stress this enough--but it's important for you to know what you need. Your partner may crave much more contact with friends. You guys can always balance this out, but again, knowing your own preferences is important.

You need to ask yourself what you want in your marriage and then you need to think hard about what your partner whats. Listen to him or her about this. We too often assume that others share the same desires. No, not true. Your partner is an individual, as are you. Different people have different needs and desires. Don't automatically characterize your way of thinking as the only right way to think. Many, many of us do this and it causes big relationship problems. You have your perspective on various issues and your partner has his or hers.

Respect your mate's feelings. After all, you want your feelings and opinions to be respected, don't you? Give your mate the same respect.

Knowing yourself--and working to know your spouse--will help you deal with relationship conflicts. You have a better chance at loving yourself and your partner if you'll seriously examine what you both want out of your partnership.