REASONS FOR STAYING IN A BAD MARRIAGE

Whether or not you leave a dysfunctional relationship is completely your decision. No one has the right to tell you what to do, no matter how close they are to you or what kind of degrees they have.

Not long ago, I was contacted by a man who was angry because his ex-girlfriend claimed that I'd told her to leave him. Not guilty here. It may have made him feel better to blame her therapist, but I don't think what she does with her relationship is my call. I don't give an opinion as to what any given person should or shouldn't do with their relationship. I may reflect your opinion back to you--tell you what I hear you saying--but I don't get a vote in your ultimate choice. Some people come to therapy, asking whether they should leave their relationships. Sorry, not my decision.

That said, let me tell you the reasons people cite for staying in a marriage that is distressing or unhappy for them--

1. Kids. Most often, parents who are considering separation or divorce tell me they don't want to have their children grow up in a split family. Some couples argue horribly and, of course, this is damaging both to the individuals in the relationship and to their children. Professionals agree that listening to parental arguments or witnessing physical fights between parents is scary and abusive for kids.

Most parents in this kind of situation, however, insist that their children have no idea the relationship is unhappy. To support this, they say they never fight in front of the kids. While it's good not to subject your children to the disharmony between you, children are rarely oblivious to your relationship conflicts. Sad to say, you're just not that good at pretending, no matter how good you are at pretending. I've have middle-school-aged kids tell me they wished their parents would just divorce already. Kids are there all the time. They know the reality of your marriage.

2. Family. Some people dislike or barely tolerate their in-laws, but some love them. They even stay in relationships they don't like because they do like their in-laws. If you've been part of the extended family for a number of years, you can be really attached to your mate's parents. You may have had unhappy experiences with your own parents and you've taken your mate's family as your own. Separation and divorce will change this relationship, to some degree. Even when everyone is trying to be civil, these ties will be strained.

When it comes to picking sides--and people usually feel they need to--your in-laws are going to pick their biological children. Expect this. There are some exceptions to this rule, but not many. (Smart grandparents, however, learn to be decent to the ex if they don't want hard feelings to effect the kids.)

3. Lifestyle/Income. Don't be too quick to judge yourself or others on this one. When you've become accustomed to the money you've had in the marriage, it can be really difficult to step down. You may have to live in a bad area if you leave. The car you'd be driving might be a clunker. You may not be able to give your kids everything you feel you should. It can sound shallow to let income determine whether you leave a relationship, but there are a web of complex issues involved in this kind of situation. Usually, you don't hate your significant other. You don't want him or her to suffer a crippling disease and die, even if things have gotten pretty tough.

You share friends and activities and cars. If you leave, your life may have to change quite a bit. This can make you wonder if the situation is so unlivable.

4. History. You may have years together and that shared history feels like an investment you don't want to give up on. Even when the bulk of those years hasn't been so hot, you still feel a connection. You've jointly graduated, moved, dealt with loss, welcomed children and built friendships--throwing all this away can be scary, even when it's really bad between you. After all, you've dealt with the problems a long time.

This is a powerful thing--shared history. Think of the people from high school or college that you've friended on FaceBook, even though you didn't like them much or hang out with them when you were younger. Having a past together makes some people feel bonded. You can forget that the history wasn't good. Some people even continue to hang out with friends who stole boyfriends or girlfriends from them.

5. Fear. Being alone scares the crap out of a lot of people. Even really attractive people struggle with anxiety that they won't find anyone else if they leave a bad relationship. This is such a strong issue for many that they stay where they aren't happy or connect up with random people to keep from being alone. Some split up and go out searching for a new mate the next weekend.

Don't judge yourself for this fear. Many share it. There's something about silent homes and not having a significant person on speed dial that freaks many out. We are by nature social creatures, preferring to connect than to live alone. True, if your relationship has been really bad, you may dream of being alone, but alone isn't what most want long term. 

6. You Don't Want To Be The One Who Quit. This can feel a little like a stand-off with individuals trying to wait it out and make the other one leave first. They don't want the stigma they think comes with breaking things off. I've had people tell me that their mates are being specifically difficult just to get them to leave first. Its like playing chicken. This almost comes down to who "wins" and who "loses". When I ask who will care about this, individuals tend to be vague, citing "friends" or children. Mostly, it seems individuals themselves are the biggest judge of whether they did "everything they could" to make the relationship work.

In this era of multiple relationships and marriages, this seems particularly ironic, as if there is a cosmic score card here.

Why you stay or whether you stay is no body's business, but your own. However, you deserve a relationship that is healthy and happy. Enduring a bad marriage doesn't make sense. Focus your energies on fixing the problems--and you have half of the input here.

Change your part. Then you can decide whether it's better for you to leave or to stay.

LOUDER ISN'T BETTER

What do you do when it doesn't seem like the person you're talking to is listening?

Every one of us has had a situation in which we didn't feel heard. People often talk of communication problems, but what we normally do when we don't feel understood or when we're angry is to raise our voices. We speak louder, usually yelling hostile words, as if calling someone names and saying loud, ugly things makes them more understanding.

When it comes to communication, louder isn't better.

I know, however, that you get mad when you're not heard. This is a very natural thing, but you need to think about whether your natural reaction is working.

Remember the times in your life when you've been yelled at. Have you suddenly realized the error of your ways and started trying really hard to communicate with whoever was yelling at you? No, you usually yell back.

I was driving my lovely car this morning when--for some random reason--several incidents in my past popped into my head. Both happened when I was a teen and both were linked to not-the-best teen driving behavior. In both incidents, I was in the wrong. Once a total stranger yelled at me, but the other time the yeller was a person well-known to me. In neither case, did I then hear what was said. Let me repeat that both times I'd committed a driving infraction. I see that now, but I didn't see it then. I also didn't know why the other person was angry. The point was lost. I was only aware of being yelled at.

I didn't hear the words, just the emotion. In general, when we feel upset, angry or frustrated, we tend to yell. But louder isn't better when you actually want to be heard.

It may not make sense, but we're more likely to raise our voices with the ones we love. Parents yell at their kids; people yell at their mates. We have an epidimic of poor communication and we're strangely more hesitant to use loud, insulting language with people we don't know. (Unlike the stranger who yelled at me for my bad driving.)

Sometimes, we rely on anonimity. We yell if we're not likely to get caught. 

The reality is that volume communicates emotion, not much else. When you hollar, the people you're yelling at get that you're angry. They don't tend to hear your actual words, though. I've had parents tell me that their children don't hear them until they yell, but the problem isn't that they were speaking too quietly before. Kids usually are very smart at knowing when you're about to actually follow-through. They know if they can wait to turn off their video games or clean up their rooms until you start yelling. Then it's serious.

But if this communication pattern makes you crazy, stop the yelling and start following-through quietly, after having spoken once. If you want your loved ones to hear you, speak in a level voice, but take action. It's not always true that people do what's important when spoken to in a level voice, but if you're going to be understood, you need to make sure your speech isn't communicating communication-blocking emotions . Adapting this way will help your vocal cords and your blood pressure.

Stop yelling. Start acting.

IT HAS TO BE DIFFERENT...

Infidelity rips relationships up and recovery is difficult. Some people walk away from situations where someone has cheated, unable or unwilling to continue once trust has been broken. Others stay for a variety of reasons. This is a very personal choice and no one but the parties involved get to vote on whether the relationship continues. Friends and family spout opinions about what you should do, but this isn't their call. It's yours. If you stay, however, don't think you can forgive and move on together without some major relationship reconstruction.

Something has to be different and different in a big way.

For infidelity to occur, the primary relationship has to be previously broken. Lots of people want to deny this, saying everything was great between them and their partners, but this just isn't so. Even if you didn't know things were this bad--and lots of very intelligent people don't know--the cheater has to have been unhappy or unresolved in some way.

Getting over this kind of breach in a relationship--and some relationships do heal--requires you to address the problems that were there in the first place. Some of this repair is individual on the cheaters part and some involves how the relationship worked and didn't work.

In no way am I implying that the non-cheating spouse is responsible for the infidelity. This cannot be stressed too much. Whoever unzipped their pants and chose to have sex outside the relationship is responsible for this choice. Even if the non-cheating spouse was a bitch sometimes, she didn't cause the infidelity.

This is a big deal. If the non-cheating spouse chooses to leave the relationship, he or she can wonder if somehow it was their fault. Nope. You had a lot to do with how the relationship worked, but you didn't make your mate cheat.

That said, something was broken or you wouldn't be in this spot. If you're going to stay in the relationship, the problems need to be addressed and resolved.

Difficulty communicating is usually at the bottom of relationship issues. You may be talking to one another, but you're not hearing each other. While it's very important that your mate hears you, you also need to make sure you're listening. Lots of clients tell me they listen, but their partners tell a different story. Sometimes even as the one mate insists he or she listens, the other mate is shaking his or her head.

Make no mistake--listening is hard. You may love your partner deeply, but it can still be difficult to communicate and you can believe your hearing her, but totally miss what she's saying. I speak from experience when I say this. Listening, with no interruptions(even when he's wrong) is difficult. You probably disagree with lots of what he's saying. (If he's calling you names, however, we're not in a communication situation.) He may be misquoting you and saying things you really disagree with.

You still need to keep quiet and listen. Imagine you're taking notes in a class and you're going to be tested over the material. Absorb what he's saying and don't interject or interrupt. Then, when he's through, repeat back to him what he said to you. You want him to know that you heard what he said. You'll probably be wrong the first time and he'll say, "No! No! That wasn't what I said."

If this happens, tell him to give it to you again and again work really hard to get what he's trying to say. When you've gotten his communication right, it's your turn and he needs to really listen to you.

Effective communication will help you get to the root of the issues in the relationship.

When couples try to rebuild after infidelity, several things almost always occur--the victim mate has lots and lots of questions and he or she is driven to check all email accounts, as well as, the cheater's phone. Not allowing access is  pretty much a deal-breaker for most.

This isn't a matter of "getting back" to what it once was between you, things need to be better than they were before. It has to be different.

HOW TO FORGIVE

"My husband and I have a happy healthy relationship for the most part, but it changes when he goes to work.  He works out of town every other week and it seems like every time he leaves we start arguing.  The minute he gets home we are as happy as can be.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I know I'm mostly the cause of it all and I just want help to get through this.  What do I need to do?"

*

 

First off, accept that you miss him terribly when he's gone. You say that you know you're the cause of the arguments, so I'm guessing you start the fights, for the most part. Maybe you get really prickly when he's about to go.

 

Ask yourself how you feel about this job of his that takes him away every other week. Do you feel resentful that he hasn't changed to a job that would allow him to live with you all the time? Be honest with yourself and don't beat yourself up, regardless of your answer to the question. We shut down our own self-processing when we label ourselves as wrong or bad for feeling a certain way.

 

His being gone half the time may leave you feeling abandoned and unloved. Even if you believe with all your heart that he loves you, you can still feel unloved at those moments.

 

You may think his staying with the job is the best option, but that doesn't mean that a part of you isn't upset about it.

 

Then, focus hard on conveying to him just how much you love him when he's about to leave. Think of what you'd want to say and do if you were never going to see him again. You'd want him to really know how much you love him. This is when choice guides behavior, not feeling. If you go by how you're feeling when he's packing up to leave--again--you'd let everything rip. But this is when you don't base your actions on how you feel. You choose to behave in a manner different from your emotions.

**

 

HOW TO FORGIVE

 

Few of us haven't been battered a little by this life. Forgiveness becomes an issue when you've suffered an injury either done by some random fool--say in the case of being the victim of crime--or by someone you love.

 

We've seen the stories on television of a relative forgiving the one who murdered a loved one and this is admirable. But most of us feel damaged greatest by the people who we had thought loved us. This can cause incredible pain and can lead you to feel stupid because you didn't see it coming. You never thought the one you loved would do this(whatever) to you.

 

He or she might have left you or stole from you and then left you or cheated on you. Regardless, you probably have had vengeful thoughts that may have involved doing harm to the person you thought loved you.

 

Then--just look up getting revenge online--you have people tell you to forgive for your own sake.

 

They just don't tell you how to do this. So I'm giving a few tips on this very difficult issue.

 

There are two types of forgiveness: Unilateral--you forgiving because you don't want this injury eating you from the inside--and requested forgiveness. When forgiveness is requested, you might want to give it, hoping to put the traumatic moment behind you two and get back to being loved. Don't succumb to the urge without some careful thought.

 

Unilateral Forgiveness:

 

This is really about loving yourself. When you harbor anger and hatred toward another, you're using a tremendous amount of your energy. It takes a lot of power to maintain anger at a big level. You could find better uses for your internal power than giving it to someone who has already offended you.

 

Forgiveness in no way says that whatever the other person did is okay with you. Injuring or betraying another person diminishes the one doing the harm. It's not okay.

 

Trust me, it isn't personal. When a human being harms another, it usually isn't about the one harmed, but is more about the one doing the harm.  Yes, it feels very personal, but the other guy is usually all caught up in his own damage. The harm done to you is collateral and is more about him.

 

Requested Forgiveness:

 

Lots of people deal with this when a lover cheats on them. You  may also want to forgive in this case because you really want to put the ugliness behind you. I need to point out that you can only forgive a cheating lover when something in the relationship will be or is different. Really different. You need to talk more openly, address issues that you haven't known how to approach or haven't wanted to address.

 

Things have to be different...or they're not.

 

This kind of forgiveness requires a complete openness--and refusal to defend--from the cheater. All passwords must be offered up; the cell phone has to be available for snooping at any time. There is--in this case--no privacy. Once you've been cheated on, you're understandable suspicious. It's just part of the mess. After all, you don't know what's real anymore.

 

The "no privacy" thing usually diminishes after a while (long, long while), but the cheater isn't trusted initially.

 

If you've experience infidelity in a relationship, there are issues that need to be resolved. It can be hard to do this because it feels a little like blaming the victim. I'm not doing that. The one who unzipped the pants is the only one responsible for cheating. However, even the victim in this case has had some say in the state of the relationship.

 

Follow me here--if you have no responsibility for what's happening in the relationship(before cheating), then you have no power. This isn't how it works. Responsibility and power are linked. The issues between you two need to be addressed if anything is going to be different. And if you're going to forgive, things need to be different.

 

Forgiveness lifts a psychic load off your shoulders. It's better for you, and that's the best motivation.



ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK

"I spent 3 years in a verbally abuse, mentally exhausting, chaotic relationship. The thing was, I loved her. She broke up with me in October of last year, but has been living in my house until today (March 1st). I am having trouble getting over her. She was an awful partner, didn't appreciate me, never did anything sweet and never went out of her way to show affection. She put me down, cried when she couldn't get what she wanted and snapped at me for the most absurd things. I think she may have BPD as I have done my research. Why can't I get over her? Perhaps it was because we were engaged and planning our wedding? What steps should I take at easing off my apparent addiction for her? I would cut her off cold turkey but I am the guardian (and non bio parent) of our daughter whom I love. Help!"--Troubled

*

Dear Troubled,

 

It's difficult to move on when you still share a house with your ex. The first thing is to get separate living quarters and I'd recommend you tell her to leave. This can be difficult if you're conflicted about ending the relationship, though. You've told me that she was an awful partner, but you're also struggling to move on.

 

Don't allow the existence of a child to keep this difficult situation going. If your ex can't afford to support herself and a child, then you take over the child's maintenance and have the ex move out. Either way, you don't need her living with you. Estranged parents often struggle to deal with the issues of sharing a child. If you have legal standing in regards to your daughter, you should be able to get shared custody or visitation with her. Talk with an attorney to make sure your rights are protected.

 

Then, it's time to look long and hard at whether you agree with your ex's ugly opinion of you. You may have stayed in an abusive, exhausting relationship to remain in contact with your daughter or you may be accustomed to negative behavior. Either way, you deserve better and so does the child.

 

Please don't try to diagnose your ex. This isn't your job and it won't help you. People currently use mental health diagnoses as weapons against others. Don't succumb to this. You may have planned a future with her, but it sounds as if nothing good came of this potential union. You need to present your daughter with a healthy example. You don't want her growing up to accept abuse from her partners, so don't set her this example. Get out of the relationship and show her she doesn't have to take this.

 

You may be addicted to this relationship or you may have merely become too accustomed to the mess. Get therapy to help you sort through the issues that got you in this and kept you there. You don't want to repeat this.

 

**

ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK

 

You may push your kids to take college-level courses in high school and urge them to focus on their grades, but if you don't let them work part-time jobs, they're missing out on a tremendous real-life educational opportunity.

 

Lots of young adults in college struggle to know where they want to direct their education. Some fall back on non-degree degrees--you know, the kind that won't actually get them jobs?--or end up with six different majors before cobbling their hours together just to graduate with some kind of degree.

 

Working part-time jobs helps kids to think seriously about what they do and don't want to do. It gives them a taste of the job market for those who don't go to college and can help them develop a drive to go into whatever field works for them.

 

My daughters worked at amusement parks and mall food-court jobs after they reached sixteen. One even worked in a mall photography studio for one Christmas season. Before that, they spent summers helping their father work on the old buildings where we officed. One day my youngest came home, covered from head to toe in mud, after crawling around under a building, working on plumbing. She stood by the door and announced in a deadpan voice that now she knew she didn't want to be a plumber.

 

Plumbing may be your kid's passion(my husband has a cousin with a Ph.D. in history who's now a plumber), but crawling under a building or working at Six Flags may not be what your kid wants to do for the next twenty years. Having this kind of job early can help teens focus on what they want in their work. My daughters ended up both working at an upscale grocery store as checkers during college and one once referred to several of the workers there as "lifers".

 

Service personnel are subjected to our moods and dysfunctions. It takes a lot of tolerance to do this kind of work. If, however, your teens don't see this as a career that will enhance their lives, they should get training to do the job that will make them most fulfilled and happy.

 

Working as a teen can help them know what they want to do.

WHY NOT JUST LEAVE?

Cheating happens in just over half of all relationships, although the statistics are wobbly since people don't easily admit to this behavior. The inference here is that lots of people aren't happy in their relationship commitments. Even though this is fairly common, most feel badly about breaking their vows. But they still do it way too often.

Why not just leave?

They don't hate their mates

Although cheaters have taken a step that gravely endangers their relationships, it's not a simple matter. They may not be happy in their main relationship, but they still have affection for their mates. When I ask clients about this, they tell me they love their mates and don't want them out of their lives. Of course, people don't usually come see me when they've already decided to leave, so the population I generally hear from are the ones who want to stay...at least they want to see if they can save the relationship. The others call lawyers or a moving company or both.

Lots of people struggle with not wanting to lose out on the good things in their relationships. This may seem contradictory, but even when a relationship is floudering, there generally are good moments.

They think they should stay for the kids

This is a big concern for a lot of people and, really, aren't we supposed to be concerned about our kids? Makes sense, right? But if a parent is cheating, the whole family has been suffering, and usually has been for some time. If the primary relationship is impaired enough that one(or both) partners have stepped outside it, the kids are already suffering. People want to argue with me about this, saying they don't fight in front of the children and that their kids have no idea they're unhappy. While children don't usually want parents to split up, they almost always know when things aren't going well. They're smaller and dependent on your well-being--they have radar regarding what's going on with you. They know.

While more kids than you'd expect sit in my office and tell me they wish their parents would just divorce already, some kids don't want their worlds disturbed. Their perspective might be selfish, but childhood tends to be more me-focused. It's a developmental thing.

They don't want to end the associated things.

This is about friends and family. And lifestyle, to some degree. This may seem selfish, at first, but consider that many people have had years of connection and they love their in-laws. Not everyone hates their mother-in-law. Divorce or break-up usually ends all contact between families and the former spouse, at least for a while. Most never really connect up again and this can be a wrenching experience if his parents are more loving toward her than her parents ever were.

People consider this and sometimes stay in very unhappy marriages because they don't want to let go of joint friends or non-biological family.

Let's also be realistic that divorce/separation changes lifestyle. The cheater may have to live in a cheaper house in a less-desirable neighborhood. They may drive a much less reliable car or be unable to afford membership in clubs and activities.

Don't judge--

It's very easy to sit by and be critical, particularly if someone you love--or you--were the injured mate. Cheating is never a good solution, but it is an indication of significant distress in the relationship. No one cheats when they feel loved and connected with their mates.

If you've got problems in the relationship, get help. It's more effective and leaves you feeling less guilty.

ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING

"My daughter is 11 and lies about everything. Can you give me some tips to try to help her? We are at our wits end. I have tried to reward her for good behavior and it will start to get better, but then it will relapse again. Her dad is only in the picture when it is convenient for him but her step dad has been there consistently since she was three."--Frustrated Mom

*

Dear Frustrated,

 

It might help to mention that 10 1/2 to 11 years is a developmentally rough time--kind of like when she was 2 and yelled no at you all the time. Things will settle down in about six months (until another rough developmental period rolls around).  Another reality is that pretty much all kids lie and this is understandable when you consider that children are dependent and less powerful than adults. The deck is stacked in your favor. You've got the power.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way when you're wrestling with her acting out. Children can really be difficult, at times.

 



Keeping those things in mind, there are a couple of behaviors parents need to avoid when it comes to lying. Don't ask her a question when you know the answer. We parents are sometimes guilty of setting kids up to lie. We ask them what they're up to when we know what they're doing. We ask them if they did a certain thing when we know they did it.

 

There's even a video on YouTube of a kid with cupcake sprinkles all over his guilty face and his mother asking him if he ate the cupcake. Of course, the kid lies.

 

Giving her consequences for lies is a good option. Remember, growth is a process. Sometimes it is a two-steps-forward-one-step back thing. Having seen your rewards make a difference is a sign that the things you've done are having impact. She also needs to experience her own power in positive ways. Give her choices whenever you can and let her be in charge of the small things. Let her choose which chores she wants and when in the day she does these. Within the bounds of weather and modesty, let her pick her clothes--even if they don't match.

 

Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs we ever undertake, even though the rewards can be great.

 

*

 



ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING

 

Parenting is all about helping your children move forward in a healthy way, but forward movement can be scary for all. We don't want our kids to do death-defying stunts that get uploaded on the internet and we certainly don't want them engaging in risky sexual behavior or ingesting illegal substances. There are some kinds of risks, however, that we do want them to take.

 

Think back to your own childhood and adolescence.... If you moved to a new school, you learned to make new friends and you might even have tried out for sports or for a role in the school musical. These all felt scary because they involved taking the risk of rejection and maybe even ridicule.

 

You want your kids to risk being different from the crowd, especially if the crowd is doing bad, dangerous things.

 

As children get older, they approach the very scary reality of Adulthood, of making their own living and creating lives of their own. I see lots of very intelligent teens who are struggling with anxiety as they approach high school graduation. What's next? What if they choose wrong? What if they can't get into the college of their choice? Or, worse yet, what if they get in and hate it?

 

The best gift you can give your child--by far--is believing in him. Everyone reading this silently thought of course I believe in my kid, but this isn't as simple as it sounds. Parents need to internalize and remember the words "My kid is strong and capable." Repeat this back to yourself when the child does something foolish(life lesson straight ahead) or when he or she faces a harsh or unfair reality. Doesn't get the part-time job or gets rejected by the college of his choice.

 

Life involves rejections. You know this from experience, right? But the biggest success when we're facing failure is to get back up again. Try again...and again. Shift our focus and adjust our efforts and go at it again.

 

As parents, we need to send out the message that we believe in them. We know they can handle whatever comes. We can say this(whenever appropriate) and we need to keep it front and center in our brains. Transmit it. You may or may not have had people who believed in you, but you know the power of that gift.

 

Appropriate risk-taking is a life skill. It's how we develop healthy self-esteem, that and noticing our successes. Give your kids the gift of encouraging them to take the leap. Do this because--even though you're behind the kid chewing your fingernails to the nub out of your desire for them to get the job/win the contest/make the vault--you need to transmit that you believe in them.

 
You're tremendously important, even though they don't always let you see this. Believe in your children's capacity to cope with life.