Marriage Trouble?

Fighting all the time? The "good" times are really good, but the "bad" times are starting to make you wonder if you should leave? Contrary to our wishful thinking, good marriages aren't easy, but require a lot of work. Personal work. If you're not working on you, then the relationship is probably not good for you. It's easy to tell your mate what he should change. That's so clear it's glaring. Focusing on your own struggles--the moments when you do or say stupid things? That's harder.

Now, this is not to say your partner doesn't have some of her own work to do. The cliche that "Marriage is a two-way street" got to be a cliche because it's so true! Both of you are contributing to the frustrations. Both of you need to see what you can change in your own function.

In reality, marital issues start early. In therapy, couples in trouble can often track their issues back to the beginning of the relationship. Yet, here they are two, ten or twenty-five years later, having to deal with problems they'd just hoped would go away. Problems in relationships, however, don't just evaporate. This is perhaps the real reason to deal with relationship issues early, before it gets too complicated and way uglier. Delaying dealing with conflict wears away your affection for one another and just makes the problems bigger. It's no fun to talk about our conflicts, but there can be significant pay-offs to biting the bullet and addressing the hard problems now.

The one piece of advice married couples in trouble wish they'd heeded before they got married is the recommendations from friends and family to work out the significant issues before you get in too deep. Certainly, you need to do it before you plan a wedding.

A good marital union maybe rare, but it certainly isn't impossible. The best relationships are not easy, however. Here are some requirements to making it work:

1. A relationship in which you and your partner support one another in your endeavors is a must-have for future happiness. If developing a career in rocket science is your dream, your partner needs to behave--to act!--in a manner which supports this. Going to school for the long haul doesn't fit well with a spendthrift lifestyle.

2. Find a mate who really enjoys you. This may seem obvious, but many people marry individuals whom they don't really enjoy. There are other rewards in the relationship that may override this, but not generally healthy ones. Enjoyment of one another helps get you through the challenging moments that are part of personal growth. It's important to point out that laughter alone doesn't make for a life commitment, but it can definitely help.

3. Only invest in a relationship that fosters your best
qualities. Does he want you to drop out of school so you can travel with him more? Is she happiest when you have no relationship with your family? If a relationship brings out the worst in you, then you need to get out and find a good therapist to help you understand what attracted you to this, in the first place. Some relationships have bad personal choices as a foundation and will bring you nothing but unhappiness.

4. Shared values are a bedrock to enduring relationship
happiness. The five areas of biggest conflict in a
relationship--money, sex, children, in-laws and religion--are frequently based on values. Every relationship has conflict. It's part of life, but resolving conflicts is a heck of a lot easier if you and your mate have the same values. How your handle money is likely to bring some of the biggest conflicts. If one of you values financial stability and the other finds the idea of filing for bankruptcy acceptable...the relationship doesn't have a good prognosis.

You may be anal about being on time while he thinks appointments are just "approximate" times. He may be able to express his feelings at the drop of a hat while you'd rather visit the dentist than have one of those emotional conversations. Different personalities make for balanced relationships. Yes, there are conflicts, but you'll have the
ingredients to work them out. It can be very functional to have different perspectives, but you need to want the same basic kind of life.

People divorce over a variety of reasons. Sometimes, you have major conflict-resolution issues that have slowly corroded the love in the relationship. Sometimes, significant values are trampled. Marriage is a challenging, difficult, intriguing experience. Make sure you give yours a real shot. It's important to note---if you're not already married, start seriously working now on the issues in the relationship.

If you've already taken the plunge, you really need to start dealing with issues. It only gets uglier and harder if you wait.

Sex: Hormones and Hope

Done right, sex feels good, but have you ever woken up the next morning and wondered what you were thinking? The truth is you probably weren't thinking.

There are some good reasons for engaging in sexual activity. The triad of hormones, relationship and potential fun is the best scenario. We won't address the fun issue here. If you're not having fun when you're having sex, some serious thought needs to be given as to 1.) why you are having sex, and 2.) why you're not having fun when you're having it.

Lots of people find the experience of sex in a relationship to be complicated by the relationship part. They tend to seek disconnected sex and, while that has it's own challenges, we also aren't talking here about deliberately disconnected sex.

So, let's get to emotions and sex: sex when you feel like it, sex pretty much without thought.

Don't.

Many individuals really want a relationship. Lots of these folks are also doing the horizontal mambo with various people upon first acquaintance. You can't, however, create a relationship out of hormones and wishes. Relationships grow when two people know one another and we can't place too much emphasis on the word know. If the big five conflicts in relationships are money, sex, children, in-laws and religion, then you need to know how a possible mate actually believes in these areas.

This is not something you find out in the first two hours of an acquaintance, or in the first two weeks, no matter how much time you spend on the phone. There are people--both men and women--who struggle with the emotional complexities of relationships. For them, doing "the deed" is a pretty good approximation. If you can't develop a relationship, you can tell yourself that you're looking for a mate. Part of the search, you say, involves diving into a sexual interchange. And you're always attracted to the person--you like them to some degree--or you wouldn't be having sex.

But is this individual, with whom you're hopefully wearing a condom, going to be a good parent? Going to share your financial plans or goals? Going to go to church with you, if that's something you care about? While condoms are a vital part of today's sexual landscape, their existence underscores the reality that folks are having sex with strangers. You don't know your partner most of the time.

And don't kid yourself…you won't know that person after three or six dates. Knowing takes some time.

You can rack up quite a sexual history if you have sex with every potential mate. Delaying sexual gratification has some merit.

Don't have sex just because you feel like it. Feeling sexually attracted is a good thing--a really good thing--but attraction is a lousy foundation for a future. Before you whip off your clothes or whip out your equipment, know the other person. Make a decision to be sexual and make it with your priorities in mind.

Parenting Teens

You love them. They're your kids and there's nothing you wouldn't do for them. If they needed a kidney or someone to snatch them from in front of a speeding car, you wouldn't hesitate.

The day-to-day moments are more challenging, however.

The developmental tasks of the teen years involve learning to create successful relationships…and they frequently decide that doesn't really include their relationship with you. In addition to dealing with friends and dating, your teen's biggest push is to learn to live without you.

You know your job is to help them become independent adults. They need to learn things like how to do well in school, to be considerate of others and, heck, to be a good employee with their first part-time jobs. These are the true paths to independence, but they're not usually teens' big concerns.

They want to make their own decisions. Sometimes scary decisions.

Typically, teens push their boundaries -- the very ones you've so carefully set up to protect them. They want to live their own lives, pick their own friends and play their own music. You might actually like the music, but you'd like the kid to be more consistent. If he wants to be his own boss, then he needs to stop counting on you to provide every little frill for him. Independence comes with learning to make your own money. Learning to handle your own screw-ups.

Teens are huge contradictions. Like earlier developmental stages --they want to scream at you to let them live their own lives…and come crying home to you when some girl is saying bad things about them on-line. Parents can be excused for some confusion.

That doesn't mean, however, that you get to throw up your hands, walk away and let them make messes of their lives. While you don't need to control your child's every move, you do need to refrain from making it easy for the kid to be stupid.

Parents have their hearts in the right place, but not always their heads. One of the ways you equip your children is to make the latest technology available. And that's good. You want to make sure, though, that the kid can handle it and that you don't make it easy for her to isolate from the family. Televisions and computers need to be kept in public, family areas, not bedrooms. The issues regarding on-line dangers are clear. Bad things can happen to teens making "friends" on the internet.

Don't give them too much unsupervised freedom. It's risky. Keeping televisions out of their bedrooms isn't about predators or "bad" shows. It's about communication opportunities. Kids who share televisions with adults have a greater chance of talking about what they're watching on TV. You want them to talk to you. Really.

Cell phones are seen by many parents as a leash. Somehow they think if they give the kid a phone, they can control the kid's behavior. This couldn't be more untrue. There are always reasons not to answer your calls--"the battery died" or "I couldn't get cell reception" if they don't want to talk to you. Remember, just because you can get your kid on the phone doesn't mean the kid isn't doing scary things. Get them a cell phone, but keep a close eye on where they're going and who and when they're talking. Middle of the night phone calling when you're asleep isn't uncommon.

The teen years are exciting, maddening, exhausting times to parent. It is understandable how teen mood swings and power struggles can seem to be not worth the trouble. Don't give up, though. Stick to your parenting guns. Remember, one day they'll be on their own and you really do want them prepared.

Phobia and Emotion

Emotions are funny things. Are you listening to yours? Some people seem to swim in an emotional world. They make their choices based on their gut feelings and they can tell you three or four emotions they're having at any given moment. This level of emotional awareness, however, can seem negative and overwhelming to some. They see others who are bogged down by feelings. Emotions are given full rein by some and this can seem like a very scary, unstable way to live.

For more cognitively-oriented individuals, emotions are better tucked away to be pulled out for special occasions or when they've had a few drinks. There are, however, some drawbacks to shoving feelings so far out of your consciousness.

We humans are by nature a mix of emotion and cognition. We need both functions to live safe, healthy, fulfilling lives. While a thoughtful decision is frequently very valuable, disconnecting from your feelings isn't a good idea. Certain kinds of information that are delivered in the "package" of emotion. Feelings can let you know important responses you're having in situations. If you're having anxiety attacks before making a commitment to a big venture with another individual, you need to take a look at your feelings. Sometimes you have to trust an emotional impression and you definitely need to be aware of what you feel.

Feelings are not concrete reality. They do not even always accurately reflect reality, but they're still very important and you need to be aware them.

Studies are finding that victims of violent crime frequently report having a sense of danger at a fairly early point in the danger situation and that they tended to override this. We need to listen to what we feel and, sometimes, to really attend to our gut instincts. You don't have to let yourself be sucked into an place of total emotion, you just need to be aware of what you feel. Know what you feel so you have access to this part of yourself. It's all about balance.

Sudden, overwhelming emotion is frequently your mind's way to get your attention and help you look more closely at how you're living your life. Anxiety or panic attacks can be a sign of feelings that deserve your attention. Many individuals are so gripped by these episodes that they have difficulty living their day-to-day lives. The physical symptoms can be overwhelming. Shortness of breath and cardiac arrhythmias always need a medical evaluation. They can also be a sign of emotional situations that need attention.

If you're having some of these difficulties and you've been cleared of physical problems by a physician, you need to look at the purpose of the attacks. Maybe you need to listen more to yourself. Panic attacks can be a sign of lack of faith in your own capabilities to handle life. They can also be a signal that you're not paying enough attention to your emotional experience. Which ever of these is triggering the intense physical and emotional sensations being experienced, you need to find some understanding.

Panic attacks are scary, debilitating episodes…and they can be a message.

Scared of Your Anger?

Why of all human emotions do we feel the need to "manage" anger? There are no classes to help you avoid the mistakes you make under the influence of joy or confusion, and let's be real, sometimes they're bad choices. The emotion of anger, however, is associated with bad behavior, like beating the crap out of your romantic rival…and sometimes even the one you love. For many, anger equates to acting out destructively. Sadness, fear, inadequacy, depression--these are feelings you don't always enjoy, but they aren't nearly as upsetting to most people as anger.

The problem isn't the anger. Anger is not a bad emotion. Sometimes it's very appropriate.

Feel the feeling. It's okay. You don't automatically act nuts just because you're upset. Life normally brings a range of feelings to everyone. It's natural to get irritated, annoyed or frustrated, just as you get dismayed, bewildered and giddy. The problem isn't the emotion; the problem is how you respond to feeling. Destructive behaviors are unacceptable, not feelings. Yes, you want to put your fist through the wall when you find your girlfriend cheated on you. You may even have the urge to scream at her until she's deaf.

There are much better alternatives.

You don't like feeling angry--or sad or confused, for that matter--but emotions can be very helpful. They bring information, they help us see changes we need to make. Feelings can shove you into recognizing what's going on with you.

If you have a highly stressful job that doesn't add to your general sense of well-being, you need to take action, not kick the boss' rear end. Feeling angry a lot should tell you to attend to this. Make a change! You probably have a lot of reasons why you have to stay in this job. In fact, you'd probably argue that you have no choice.

Feeling like you have no choice is one of the biggest fuels for over-the-top anger. No one likes to be trapped. Whether in a job or in a relationship, you need to see a way to make your life better. You need to feel some control over your own experience. Make sure you are looking at all your options. Scaling back your financial commitments to enable you to find more agreeable work is an option you've probably dismissed. Look at it again. In fact, look at all your options again, even the ones that seem unacceptable at first.

Take your feelings into account.

Life decisions--jobs, relationships, family issues--are best made out of logic as well as emotion, but you need to feel your feelings in order to see the whole picture.

Studies show, again and again, that your physical well-being is greatly impacted by how you live your emotional life. You don't have to be overwhelmed or driven by your feelings, but you need to feel them.

Divorce Realities

"I care about him," she said, "but I'm just not in love with him anymore. We fight a lot of the time and the feeling between isn't there anymore."

Should you divorce?

Shauna and Parker(not their real names) married right out of college and started careers. After several years, they bought a house in a "good" neighborhood and started a family…six years later, they got tired of the same arguments that flared up, circling around without resolution, and the love between them slowly died. They both loved their kids and neither wanted a broken family, but sometimes it happens. Getting divorced was a way to end the constant fighting. Divorce meant a change in their lifestyles--no more hanging out with other couples on the block--and then there's the reality of single parenthood.

If you're considering a divorce, make sure you're clear on what it means.

Marriage is tremendously complicated. Living with another human being is one of the two most challenging things we humans attempt. The other is raising kids. Both involve the desire to mesh multiple perspectives into a harmonious life. You just want to get along and enjoy one another, but too frequently this isn't the case

If you're considering leaving your marriage, you need to be very clear on the realities of divorce. Your spouse may leave the dishes in the sink for days at a time and he may not want sex as often as you do, but are you prepared to end all contact with him? In today's world, divorce can mean hanging on to a friendship with your former mate. This usually happens when both of you have moved on to new relationships--that diminishes the "hoping to get back together" factor.

More frequently, divorce brings anger and resentment.

You need to ask yourself if you dislike your partner enough to totally disconnect from him and have him out of your life. Or, if you have children together, just do the co-parenting divorce thing together. Are you also ready for the challenges of parenthood on your own if you have kids? Even if you and your ex manage to stop hating each other, those kids are going home with just you. Twenty-four hours a day, sometimes seven days a week, they'll be yours. Of course, Christmas and Thanksgiving will sometimes be child-less days. Divorced couples who share kids can sometimes quiet the anger in the best interests of the children. Sometimes not. Arguments over money and parenting frequently continue after the marriage is severed.

So, are you ready for this union to end? Divorce sucks.

No, these aren't good reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage. They are, however, reasons to ask yourself if your marriage -- and the affection which was initially there -- is worth another shot. Try counseling with a skilled therapist before you've worn each other down to the point that you don't care anymore.

Divorced spouses don't usually hang out together, so there are good things about your mate that you won't have access to anymore. Parenting after a divorce can also be a shock. The truth is that once you're not in your ex-mate's life, you don't have much say-so with her anymore. You may point out that you are still the child's parent, too. Most parents feel they should be able to have some input into how their ex- behaves with their child. You don't. You don't have any say in whether or not your mate dates a lot and introduces your child to every passing fancy. You, also, don't have any power to insist on a specific parenting style or even who keeps your child when it's your ex's weekend.

Bad marriages suck, too. No one should stay in one…unless the marriage can be improved significantly. Learning to work out the issues is ideal. It is a fact that both partners have to want to make a relationship work to pull a failing relationship on to healthy ground, but giving up on it too quickly is sad.

Getting What You Want

"Whenever he slips in his own crap," Neal said of his younger brother, "he always seems to fall in clover."

Ever wonder why others seem to get promotions even when their work is no better than yours? They get raises and dates with really hot women, while your life is unexciting and half the time you can't get lucky to save your soul? Maybe you're okay in the date department and your job is going pretty well, but you feel you can't manage to get the respect or recognition you deserve.

Neal's brother, whom he loves, had just gotten fired from a good job. His brother didn't particularly deserve the axe, but even when circumstances led to him having to leave his chosen field and seek another job, Neal's brother ended up making twice the money.

Some people call it luck, but you don't know how to get some of your own. It may seem like you just can't catch a break. There are others who screw-up and still seem to do really well.

Maybe you need to learn how to get what you want. You need empowerment! While life involves disappointment and frustration at moments for us all, you need to find the mindset that will enable you to work toward and achieve your goals. First off, you need to ponder the reality that you can make some things different in your world. Really different. It may not seem like it, but you have power over most aspects of your life. You make choices that bring certain results. While it can feel like crap when these results aren't what you want, the upside of taking responsibility for the stuff you don't like is that you can change it! The word "responsibility" sometimes has a negative quality to it. Your father held your report card in his hand while demanding when you were going to take some responsibility for your life? And you don't usually want to raise your hand when your boss demands, "Who's responsible for this fiasco?" I mean, who would?

There's a secret most don't know, however, responsibility may suck, but it goes hand-in-hand with power. We love power! Sometimes the "P" word has a bad connotation, but aren't we fascinated with the thought of having real power? One of our big lottery dreams involves telling the boss to "take this job and shove it!"

Personal power is unavoidably linked to responsibility. You can make a difference--not get exactly what you want in every situation, but get more of what you want in most situations. If you want advancement in your career, go back to school. Yes, school can suck and you have to make sure the degree you're getting actually earns you more, but you know that degrees, rightly or wrongly, get more play in the job market. If your relationship is struggling--or just isn't going where you want--embrace the notion of change. You can change you and that changes the relationship. It may not be exactly the way you'd most prefer, but it could the better in the long run.

Taking the power in a situation involves looking at your actions, choosing the behavior that gives you the options you want. If you work hard to get good grades in class, you'll generally endear yourself to your teachers. Teachers love students who care about their school work. Really.

Know your own power. When you pass the buck, you're passing more than the blame. You're passing up the chance to make things the way you want them to be.