Quick Engagements

In this world of multiple marriages and repetitious divorces, the rapidity of making romantic commitments--particularly among the young--is increasing. Individuals at one time hesitated to use the word "love" in a relationship due to the implied commitment. Commitment was, for some, a big, scary word and divorce signified failure. These days, however, divorce is sadly common and commitments are made to be broken.

Everyone seems to be looking for someone to call their own. Today's 15-to-25 year olds have most likely grown up with Mom's current "friend" stumbling out of her bedroom in the morning. Their dads may be working on a fourth or fifth marriage. At the very least, they have girlfriends they've dated for five years. This doesn't mean, however, that singles have given up on the idea of relationships that last forever. There seems to be an even greater need to find someone and jump quickly into intimacy with that someone. Sex happens on the first date and "love" is slipped on like an old, comfy robe.

We want to be loved…to be in love. The alternative of being alone, even with a group of good friends, seems scary and even dysfunctional in today's world. Everyone's looking for an anchor, someone to check-in with at the end of the day. Even if you don't live with your current significant other, you want someone to care whether or not you call.

As a culture, we seem to be moving away from the fascination of easy sex with the "freedom" of no commitments. There's no question that a major part of our population still finds sex fun and fascinating. Good sexual interaction is a significant part of a solid relationship, but it's not a great substitute for a relationship, we're finding.

Still…relationships? They're conflicted and confusing and always complex. Sustaining a good relationship is difficult, but we crave them. Talk about them. Obsess over them. Chase them.

We want connection.

Today's twenty-somethings tend to see the excitement that was once aroused by the use of the word "love" to be silly. That particular word is frequently used in the first week or two of a relationship. The power that once came with a declaration of love is now over-used and thus, a devalued currency. The experience of being loved and in-love is still something we hunger for, though, but we don't have a clue how to find, or experience, actual love.

So, what's a lonely single to do? These days the answer seems to be--find someone who seems "nice" and get engaged while still in the rosy, romantic stage of dating.

Friends and family may privately know that this is a connection formed between strangers. They may even counsel against diving head first into marriage, but they're usually ignored or dismissed. Sadly, quick engagements often lead to quick marriages between people who don't know how to love one another.

The truth that makes us uncomfortable is that real love requires a knowledge of one another. You cannot love someone whom you do not know. It is impossible. The reality of this can lead to some tremendously sad discoveries.

Even if the girl you married isn't an axe murderer, you may find that she doesn't want the same life you do or she can't understand your relationship with your family or your particular style of communication. Love is a fascinating, gripping, fulfilling experience. It has to be given energy, in the form of communication, and action. It takes knowledge of one another.

Conflict resolution strengthens and solidifies good, healthy relationships. Conflict resolution takes real and true knowledge of yourself and your loved one.

Loving, committed relationships can be achieved, just not in a week or a month. Probably not even in six months. It can, however, be done.

Our Secrets

No matter how independent you are, other people are still important to you. While you may not want to, you care what others think. Even the most self-sufficient individuals still exist in a social world and there are moments when they struggle with both wanting to be known by others and fearing being known.

This ambivalence can be strongest when you are dealing with a secret that haunts you. Held close and never talked about, this secret can grow to become a tremendously heavy burden. While some Catholics fear and avoid the confessional booth, it also offers a private moment when you tell another human being your greatest secrets. In the Catholic belief, this secret is being received on God's behalf, but there is a human behind the confessional screen, too.

Secrets, however, reflect our fears that we really are unacceptable individuals and our shame is too great for others' to understand and forgive. This fear may come out of our own confusion regarding our behavior and our own conviction that we are flawed, deviant human beings. Sometimes the sense of shame is overwhelming.

Through the years, some individuals have become prolific diarists, writing volumes of private reflections and personal memoirs. While these contain more than secrets, they reflect a human desire to record, to share, something beyond our own minds. We long to be known. Keeping a diary, or these days blogging on-line, can help us sort through our feelings. In addition, we get to maintain a level of anonymity, of safety.

Private out-pourings in a very public arena. We long to be known.

Telling secrets can be a liberating experience. Just knowing that someone else knows, seems to ease our own self-condemnation. It also scares the hell out of us.

An ongoing community art project appears on-line at PostSecret.blogspot.com, serving a significant need for many. Accepting submissions through the mail, this website posts various creative, confessional works of postcard-sized art every week. Because it meets such a human need, the website has yielded two books of postcard confessions, some of which are whimsical and some heart-breaking. All of the secrets posted are intriguing and interesting. All reflect our human desire to be heard. We need someone to know us, even when we're too frightened to be known.

Respect for the Dating Single

Sometimes, dating sucks. The alternatives, however, are far worse. For those who aren't in committed relationships, the choices are dating or social celibacy. While sometimes frustrating and, at other times, hilarious, dating offers a host of personal development opportunities, the primary one being the possibility of finding a mate.

We must acknowledge respect for the dating single. It takes a certain courage to willingly engage in being open to possibilities which can have a wide range. The really attractive guy you met at the grocery store maybe a wonderful man or he could be an intimacy-avoider, a control freak or a pedophile. There's no way to tell until you know him a little better.

So with all those scary options, why date? Why not just be okay with being single?

While there may be some who disagree on the value of romantic relationships in general, research has shown that happy relationships enhance our personal and physical health. Individuals in successful relationships suffer fewer health problems and report greater personal contentment. Of course, a troubled marriage can add greatly to unhappiness.

Currently, individuals are racking up a greater number of marriages in trying to find one that meets personal expectations. There is among one group the tendency for a "starter" marriage. These first marriages are usually entered into very quickly and without the participants having any real knowledge of one another. More than anything, the quickie marriage exists to underscore the human desire for intimacy. Let's just call it intimate and maybe it will be, we say about the jumped-into relationship.

The divorce statistics, however, give testimony to the challenges inherent in this intimate, fascinating human experience. Learning how to be in a healthy relationship can be frustrating, emotionally-demanding and, if you seek professional help, expensive. But it is fascinating and gripping and entrancing when you develop the skills to connect with someone you love. However, the process of finding this someone--one who'll stay engaged in the process with you--can be difficult.

So, dating sucks. In the movie, Must Love Dogs, two intelligent, attractive singles struggle with loneliness and dating in this era. The heroine is appalled to find herself on a blind date with her own widowed father. Dating can be embarrassing and is probably best entered into with a strong sense of humor. It is, however, also fraught with intriguing and exciting possibilities.

Single individuals who don't allow the active possibility of developing relationships have opted out. If you've been out of your last relationship long enough to gain some perspective on it, you might find yourself hesitant to jump back into the dating pool. While this may seem tempting--particularly after a string of really bad dates or really hurtful relationships--you can't win the game if you don't play.

So, let's celebrate the dating single, the men and women who are risking their hearts and their Saturday nights in the effort to find compatible mates. Just opting out is losing out. You deserve better.

Craving Intimacy

We may not like other people sometimes, but we humans have a need for contact. We stumble in and out of bad relationships, tolerate unhealthy family interactions and struggle to find true friendships. Like it or not, human beings have a need for emotional intimacy. It's hard-wired into us, the urge for contact with others.

We like to eat together and to have people to whom we complain. Shared laughter is tremendously potent. Even the sexual experience is something most people prefer to share.

We crave connection to others, preferably who understand our feelings and experiences. Clumping together, we join sororities, clubs, self-help groups and churches. We need to interact with other people, to be involved in their lives and have them involved in ours. We bring casseroles when someone suffers a loss through death, we whisper when an acquaintance has a bad break-up, we even cry and gather around the television set when a small child in a town in Texas falls down a well.

We are human and we do not do well in isolation.

This said, we also struggle with interactions! There are people at work who drive us crazy. We get furious when driving in traffic--then we'd like to be the only people around! It is also likely that there are times we seriously long to be alone. This doesn't mean we don't need others, but we, unfortunately, don't always know what to do with them.

The divorce rate is high and we struggled to achieve long term, healthy relationships. Many people become cyclic singles, moving from one failed relationship to another. Loneliness is unfortunately common.

Consistent study, however, can teach us how to be with others. While there's no guarantee of any relationship developing into a lifelong connection, that's no reason to opt out. Do you know why your friendships or relationships have ended? Have any idea why you're finding yourself in the same spot again and again? This is a really difficult thing to understand. Usually, when a relationship is disrupting, we hurl accusations at one another. It's hard to learn much from ugly, hurtful comments and it's even harder to learn when nothing is said at all.

The challenge is to listen openly to others' feedback. Even when we feel defensive, we still need to hear what's being said. Defensive is normal when someone is telling us that everything is our fault. Don't stop there, though. Ask questions to try to really understand what the other person is telling you. "You always…" and "You never…" statements are hurled like spears. The hurt can be huge, but we still need to listen. The urge to argue back and "explain" our actions is strong. It's particularly difficult when others are saying hurtful, unpleasant things, but if we don't listen hard for the kernel of truth, we won't learn. It may be just a small part of what we're being accused of, but we need to understand what we've contributed to situations.

If you don't understand what you've contributed to the failed friendship--how you "failed" in the friendship--you won't learn how to function differently next time.

Craving intimacy--connection--drives our urge to join the Hell's Angels or a become a volunteer at a hospital. We need others and they need us. We just need to see how our behavior sometimes makes it harder for others to be with us.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is a work in process. You may not always enjoy the journey, but opting out ends all your choices. And choices mean possibilities.

Marriage Trouble?

Fighting all the time? The "good" times are really good, but the "bad" times are starting to make you wonder if you should leave? Contrary to our wishful thinking, good marriages aren't easy, but require a lot of work. Personal work. If you're not working on you, then the relationship is probably not good for you. It's easy to tell your mate what he should change. That's so clear it's glaring. Focusing on your own struggles--the moments when you do or say stupid things? That's harder.

Now, this is not to say your partner doesn't have some of her own work to do. The cliche that "Marriage is a two-way street" got to be a cliche because it's so true! Both of you are contributing to the frustrations. Both of you need to see what you can change in your own function.

In reality, marital issues start early. In therapy, couples in trouble can often track their issues back to the beginning of the relationship. Yet, here they are two, ten or twenty-five years later, having to deal with problems they'd just hoped would go away. Problems in relationships, however, don't just evaporate. This is perhaps the real reason to deal with relationship issues early, before it gets too complicated and way uglier. Delaying dealing with conflict wears away your affection for one another and just makes the problems bigger. It's no fun to talk about our conflicts, but there can be significant pay-offs to biting the bullet and addressing the hard problems now.

The one piece of advice married couples in trouble wish they'd heeded before they got married is the recommendations from friends and family to work out the significant issues before you get in too deep. Certainly, you need to do it before you plan a wedding.

A good marital union maybe rare, but it certainly isn't impossible. The best relationships are not easy, however. Here are some requirements to making it work:

1. A relationship in which you and your partner support one another in your endeavors is a must-have for future happiness. If developing a career in rocket science is your dream, your partner needs to behave--to act!--in a manner which supports this. Going to school for the long haul doesn't fit well with a spendthrift lifestyle.

2. Find a mate who really enjoys you. This may seem obvious, but many people marry individuals whom they don't really enjoy. There are other rewards in the relationship that may override this, but not generally healthy ones. Enjoyment of one another helps get you through the challenging moments that are part of personal growth. It's important to point out that laughter alone doesn't make for a life commitment, but it can definitely help.

3. Only invest in a relationship that fosters your best
qualities. Does he want you to drop out of school so you can travel with him more? Is she happiest when you have no relationship with your family? If a relationship brings out the worst in you, then you need to get out and find a good therapist to help you understand what attracted you to this, in the first place. Some relationships have bad personal choices as a foundation and will bring you nothing but unhappiness.

4. Shared values are a bedrock to enduring relationship
happiness. The five areas of biggest conflict in a
relationship--money, sex, children, in-laws and religion--are frequently based on values. Every relationship has conflict. It's part of life, but resolving conflicts is a heck of a lot easier if you and your mate have the same values. How your handle money is likely to bring some of the biggest conflicts. If one of you values financial stability and the other finds the idea of filing for bankruptcy acceptable...the relationship doesn't have a good prognosis.

You may be anal about being on time while he thinks appointments are just "approximate" times. He may be able to express his feelings at the drop of a hat while you'd rather visit the dentist than have one of those emotional conversations. Different personalities make for balanced relationships. Yes, there are conflicts, but you'll have the
ingredients to work them out. It can be very functional to have different perspectives, but you need to want the same basic kind of life.

People divorce over a variety of reasons. Sometimes, you have major conflict-resolution issues that have slowly corroded the love in the relationship. Sometimes, significant values are trampled. Marriage is a challenging, difficult, intriguing experience. Make sure you give yours a real shot. It's important to note---if you're not already married, start seriously working now on the issues in the relationship.

If you've already taken the plunge, you really need to start dealing with issues. It only gets uglier and harder if you wait.

Sex: Hormones and Hope

Done right, sex feels good, but have you ever woken up the next morning and wondered what you were thinking? The truth is you probably weren't thinking.

There are some good reasons for engaging in sexual activity. The triad of hormones, relationship and potential fun is the best scenario. We won't address the fun issue here. If you're not having fun when you're having sex, some serious thought needs to be given as to 1.) why you are having sex, and 2.) why you're not having fun when you're having it.

Lots of people find the experience of sex in a relationship to be complicated by the relationship part. They tend to seek disconnected sex and, while that has it's own challenges, we also aren't talking here about deliberately disconnected sex.

So, let's get to emotions and sex: sex when you feel like it, sex pretty much without thought.

Don't.

Many individuals really want a relationship. Lots of these folks are also doing the horizontal mambo with various people upon first acquaintance. You can't, however, create a relationship out of hormones and wishes. Relationships grow when two people know one another and we can't place too much emphasis on the word know. If the big five conflicts in relationships are money, sex, children, in-laws and religion, then you need to know how a possible mate actually believes in these areas.

This is not something you find out in the first two hours of an acquaintance, or in the first two weeks, no matter how much time you spend on the phone. There are people--both men and women--who struggle with the emotional complexities of relationships. For them, doing "the deed" is a pretty good approximation. If you can't develop a relationship, you can tell yourself that you're looking for a mate. Part of the search, you say, involves diving into a sexual interchange. And you're always attracted to the person--you like them to some degree--or you wouldn't be having sex.

But is this individual, with whom you're hopefully wearing a condom, going to be a good parent? Going to share your financial plans or goals? Going to go to church with you, if that's something you care about? While condoms are a vital part of today's sexual landscape, their existence underscores the reality that folks are having sex with strangers. You don't know your partner most of the time.

And don't kid yourself…you won't know that person after three or six dates. Knowing takes some time.

You can rack up quite a sexual history if you have sex with every potential mate. Delaying sexual gratification has some merit.

Don't have sex just because you feel like it. Feeling sexually attracted is a good thing--a really good thing--but attraction is a lousy foundation for a future. Before you whip off your clothes or whip out your equipment, know the other person. Make a decision to be sexual and make it with your priorities in mind.

Parenting Teens

You love them. They're your kids and there's nothing you wouldn't do for them. If they needed a kidney or someone to snatch them from in front of a speeding car, you wouldn't hesitate.

The day-to-day moments are more challenging, however.

The developmental tasks of the teen years involve learning to create successful relationships…and they frequently decide that doesn't really include their relationship with you. In addition to dealing with friends and dating, your teen's biggest push is to learn to live without you.

You know your job is to help them become independent adults. They need to learn things like how to do well in school, to be considerate of others and, heck, to be a good employee with their first part-time jobs. These are the true paths to independence, but they're not usually teens' big concerns.

They want to make their own decisions. Sometimes scary decisions.

Typically, teens push their boundaries -- the very ones you've so carefully set up to protect them. They want to live their own lives, pick their own friends and play their own music. You might actually like the music, but you'd like the kid to be more consistent. If he wants to be his own boss, then he needs to stop counting on you to provide every little frill for him. Independence comes with learning to make your own money. Learning to handle your own screw-ups.

Teens are huge contradictions. Like earlier developmental stages --they want to scream at you to let them live their own lives…and come crying home to you when some girl is saying bad things about them on-line. Parents can be excused for some confusion.

That doesn't mean, however, that you get to throw up your hands, walk away and let them make messes of their lives. While you don't need to control your child's every move, you do need to refrain from making it easy for the kid to be stupid.

Parents have their hearts in the right place, but not always their heads. One of the ways you equip your children is to make the latest technology available. And that's good. You want to make sure, though, that the kid can handle it and that you don't make it easy for her to isolate from the family. Televisions and computers need to be kept in public, family areas, not bedrooms. The issues regarding on-line dangers are clear. Bad things can happen to teens making "friends" on the internet.

Don't give them too much unsupervised freedom. It's risky. Keeping televisions out of their bedrooms isn't about predators or "bad" shows. It's about communication opportunities. Kids who share televisions with adults have a greater chance of talking about what they're watching on TV. You want them to talk to you. Really.

Cell phones are seen by many parents as a leash. Somehow they think if they give the kid a phone, they can control the kid's behavior. This couldn't be more untrue. There are always reasons not to answer your calls--"the battery died" or "I couldn't get cell reception" if they don't want to talk to you. Remember, just because you can get your kid on the phone doesn't mean the kid isn't doing scary things. Get them a cell phone, but keep a close eye on where they're going and who and when they're talking. Middle of the night phone calling when you're asleep isn't uncommon.

The teen years are exciting, maddening, exhausting times to parent. It is understandable how teen mood swings and power struggles can seem to be not worth the trouble. Don't give up, though. Stick to your parenting guns. Remember, one day they'll be on their own and you really do want them prepared.