Outsourcing Your Emotions

Maybe you have people who are important to you…and they don't always make the best decisions. They get emotional about situations and feel very distressed. Naturally, you want to say something or do something to help.

You try generally to be rational about problems. Usually, you find a way to handle most things. Not everything, of course, because no one's perfect, but you do your best to respond, to help. Unfortunately, there are times when the very individuals you try to make things easier for, end up blaming you for their problems. Somehow, you end up cleaning up messes you didn't make. You end up trying to solve problems you didn't create.

The question is--why?

Why do you feel the need to rescue others from the choices they themselves make? Consequences, while sometimes painful, are our best path to learning how to make good choices. Whoa, this sucks! I'm not going to do that again, we say. So why not let people face the results of their actions if it'll help them learn? Of course, some consequences are big and scary and it can be difficult to watch others struggle. Particularly when you can easily make it better. It seems so unnecessary, you might be thinking.

You may, in fact, be pretty good at giving measured reproofs--others probably call these "lectures." There are situations that cry out with obvious realities: drive fast all the time and you're certain to get a bunch of traffic tickets. Your insurance will go up and may even get cancelled. Don't pay the tickets and you'll end up in jail.

Certain realities can be counted on and it's very difficult not to point this out to the people you care about when they seem to be missing the obvious. But they don't thank you for it. Quite the opposite, in fact, despite the fact that you're just trying to help, they usually get mad at you.

They tell you that you're a "control freak" and that you just want to run others' lives. You think you're perfect, they may say nastily. This is, however, the farthest thing from what you want. You want them to handle their own decisions, but you'd like them to do it better.

On some level, you may be struggling with your own difficulty in watching them in pain. Choices bring consequences. These can be lovely or very difficult, depending on the choice. You want to rescue the individuals you care about because you hurt when they hurt. Loving others means being impacted by what they choose…even if you don't like their choices or the impact their consequences have on you. This is difficult. If you can tweak their behavior--just help when they obviously need help--then you've saved your own emotional distress. Right? Sometimes they ask for help. They want you to rescue them, so it would be mean not to work things out for them.

The problem with this approach is that--while you may be pretty good at arranging things--others' emotions are not quite within your reach. You probably want to argue about this. I know what makes people feel good, you'll say(with a hint of smugness). But you don't have control over other people's emotions or actions. It's not like turning a dial. You can't always make them behave better or feel better in an effort to shield your own feelings.

But if they feel good, then you feel good, right? When they're upset, you can't be unaffected. You're pretty much okay if the people you love are okay. It's almost as if they do the feeling--the biggest part--for you.

Sometimes, loving others can be very painful. This is unavoidable. Distress is part of the package if you allow yourself to be involved in relationships. A better method for handling referred distress is to learn to get a handle on your own emotions. Manage yourself more effectively. Emotions are important and trying to live without them will lead eventually to depression. Not being aware of your own emotions is a result of not paying attention to them. Feelings can be inconvenient and unreliable, but shut them out and it's like turning the sound down on a radio. Everything becomes muted and gray.

So, feel the pain, the compassion, the worry. It won't kill you and, eventually, it will end.

Don't arrange others' lives, assume responsibility for fixing situations or succumb to the temptation to tell them what to do. Focus your best management techniques on yourself. Shelving your feelings or "out-sourcing" them to other people isn't an effective way to manage your life long term.

Feel your feelings. Not just anger and irritation, but sadness, confusion, anxiety, giddiness. Take care of you by listening to you.

Killing Love

Love doesn't die…unless you kill it. Love between two romantic partners doesn't just wither and fade away. You don't simply fall in love with someone new when you're already in love with someone else. Truly loving another individual isn't easy, but it's not as mysterious as you'd sometimes like to think, either.

There are many people who will argue that the love they felt for their former partners simply went away. It evaporated. Over time, they'll say, they just fell out of love.

Not true.

Either you didn't have genuine love for one another in the first place, or you honestly were in love at one time and the two of you didn't know how to maintain it. You didn't know how to nurture the intimacy.

Intimate relationships are tremendously challenging to maintain. The skyrocketing divorce rate is testament to the difficulty of making love last. So why do we end up not loving the very individuals who we used to love? Used to love madly!

Love can be defined not only by enjoyment, sexual attraction and shared values, it also means that you place the loved one's interests at a high priority. You want the one you love to succeed. To be happy, to find fulfillment in life in general, not just with you. If you love someone, you want the very best for her.

Most relationships start in a white-hot flurry of attraction and laughter, passion and possibilities. In those moments, you can't imagine not always loving this other person. You can't imagine it, no matter that he is ridiculously whiny when he gets a cold. Even the fact that she hangs her bras on the bedroom doorknob is only mildly annoying when you're still fascinated by the idea of her without her bra.

Relationships, however, have a day-to-day reality for which most individuals are unprepared. Living together, or just having close interaction over time, brings the opportunity for conflict. All couples have conflict. Heck, all human beings have conflict with one another. Conflict is a part of life. We don't always agree with anyone, no matter how much we like or love them.

Even if you're okay with people disagreeing with you, conflict with a loved one can seem threatening and scary. This person, who used to thing you were wonderful, who usually laughs at your jokes and who at one time always wanted to be with you, suddenly isn't laughing. It's at this moment, you might not feel loved and this wonderful relationship seems threatened.

Conflict doesn't mean you aren't loved. It just means that you are two individuals who need to learn to deal with differences.

Maybe you fight over money. You have conflict with one or the other of you spending too much time at work. Your ex keeps calling and you don't want to hang up on him because that seems mean, but your new love feels jealous that you still talk to your former lover. Whatever the specific situation, you will have conflict in your relationship. And it will feel bad.

Some people try to avoid fighting, particularly if disagreement means yelling and screaming abuse at one another. So you try to always get along and you hope that problems will disappear.

They won't.

Even though conflict and the emotions that come with it--anger, disappointment, hurt, and frustration--can be very difficult to deal with, you need to talk about the differences between you. Not scream, not give your lover the silent treatment. You need to truly communicate. You need to learn to say what bothers you, to share your feelings, and to listen--really hard--to the other person's view of the problems.

Unless you learn to handle conflicts openly and find resolution in relationships, you will not stay in love with your loved one. No one wants to be in a relationship when he always feels like he loses. Constant defeat isn't sexy.

Talk. Listen. Work through issues...or your love will die. Not dealing with conflict is just a slow way of killing love.

Advanced Placement Insanity?

In 2005, 2.7 million students took the Advanced Placement exams which must be passed before college credit can be earned. Of the students attempting the exams, only 15% passed, which was a slight increase from the previous year. For some, this A.P. reality raises the appeal of the classes: To some it means kids must be really smart if they take the class and pass the test.

Are Advanced Placement classes really good for students, though? These classes are often presented as "required" for the high school student who plans on attending college. But not all kids benefit from taking the Advanced Placement route. The grades achieved in these classes are given a different weight in calculating grade point averages. Sometimes this works in the student's favor; sometimes not. The true value of A.P. instruction depends a great deal on the teacher, the student and his motivations and career goals.

Educators tend to be big fans of the Advanced Placement curriculum by the College Board which also administers the SAT. In these classes--designed to be more advanced than typical high school curricula--juniors and seniors do college-level school work. In theory, these kids are then able to test out of freshman college classes in the areas for which they took Advanced Placement, or A.P., classes.

Parents are enthusiastic about the A.P. concept for several reasons: 1.) they don't have to pay for as much freshman college course work, 2.) they get to brag about how their kids are "above-average" since these are today's Honors classes, and 3.) some believe A.P. classes are less likely to be attractive to troublesome kids. There are, also, some parents who are concerned that their teenage children are not being challenged by standard curriculum. Perhaps one of the biggest attractions, however, is that both educators and parents tend to believe that students need A.P. classes to get into "good" colleges.

The idea of an elite school being required for eventual life success has been challenged by recent studies, however. A research study, published by Krueger and Dale in 1999, indicated that graduates of Harvard University earned no greater income (a measure of success) than equally-achieving students who attended less highly-ranked colleges. This same study indicated that college education per se mattered more than which college granted a degree.

Many still have, however, the intense urge to get into the "right" school when many high school students don't even know what career path they'll eventually choose. Degree programs vary widely between schools. A student could get into a "good" school that doesn't even offer her the degree she'll eventually decide is best for her.

Taking Advanced Placement classes--sometimes six or seven at a time--is still touted as almost a requirement for smart kids. In general, the higher-achieving kids, who don't cause educators a lot of trouble, are encouraged to take Pre-A.P. and A.P. classes. These students tend to have better educated parents who are more invested in their children's academic success. Students are generally college-bound and are expected by teachers and parents to succeed academically.

From an educator's point of view, A.P. classes are a win-win. They get academically-motivated students who are less likely to cause classroom disruptions. But are A.P. classes really good for the students? The answer can vary as widely as the classes themselves. Ask most kids who've joined the Advanced Placement bandwagon: Some teachers make the classes so hard that even college students would have difficulty maintaining high grades. Some A.P. teachers are truly innovative, inspiring educators who stimulate their students to appropriate developmental challenges. All teachers should have this focus. On the other hand, some instructors of A.P. classes know they have the good kids and they ask even less of them than students who're taking regular classes.

Taking too many Advanced Placement classes, since these tend to be more time-consuming, can actually hamper adolescents' general development. High school is not only a time for achievement that leads to college entrance. There are life lessons that need to be experienced at this time as well. Teenagers who work can learn some of the responsibilities of adulthood: showing up on time and doing an acceptable job. Career paths can be explored and either followed or discarded based on early jobs. At this time of development, kids can also learn to negotiate vital social lessons in both friendships and romantic relationships.

Parents and teachers may tend to dismiss the fact, but teenagers are right when they say there's more to life than school work.

As odd as it may sound to parents who may feel anxious about the perils of adolescence, kids need to learn some lessons now. These challenges only get harder and have larger life consequences down the road.

Taking A.P. classes doesn't mean less chance of kids finding drugs, sex and bad relationships. If they're taking A.P. classes, it just means they're probably being asked to do college-level academic work while living a high school-level life. Some students find the demands of A.P. classes to be overwhelming. There are some situations--for some kids--when being academically advanced isn't much of an advancement.

Married? Want Better Sex?

Sex alone doesn't make great relationships, but relationships can make great sex. Over and over, individuals describe marriages--and other committed relationships--that include red hot sex in the beginning, then the sex fades over time. Some mental health professionals even talk about this phenomena as a "natural" diminishing of desire. But before you give up on really good sex in your relationship, you might want to take a closer look at the issues.

You're not, as some claim, doomed to getting bored in every sexual relationship. Emotional and sexual connections aren't subject to an evolutionary demise. Long term, mutually satisfying physical intimacy can be achieved if you know what to do to keep it alive.

Typically, married sex declines sharply in quality and frequency after the birth of children. This might be a result of postpartum depression or, on the other hand, you might be suffering the impact of increasing pressure on the relationship. Children may be a blessing, but they take a lot of work and complicate things tremendously. Issues such as housework, money and quality couple time tend to become more challenging when couples start families.

Kids are just one aspect of the diminishing sexual experience in relationships, however. The primary cause for declining interest in sex can be found in couples' unresolved conflicts. Despite the reputation of "make up sex" being so great, dysfunctional fighting tends to reduce the sexual activity in relationships. Particularly deadly to physical intimacy are unresolved conflicts. The worst culprits in diminished sex drives are arguments that spring up from time to time and circle around the same problem without ever finding a resolution.

Problems that are not successfully resolved--or even truly addressed in relationships--will eventually leave individuals feeling insignificant and unloved. If you feel as though your partner doesn't really care about your concerns, you will even come to feel unloved. My opinion doesn't matter, you'll think and you'll feel unimportant to your partner.

The damaging effect of unaddressed or unresolved conflicts in relationships doesn't take place over-night. It's a sad journey and along the way you'll probably argue that your partner doesn't mean to make you feel bad. Eventually over time, however, it'll seem like your partner doesn't really care.

This is where the decline in sexual interest starts. Very few individuals are eager to have sex with partners they resent. If you don't feel cared for, you're not usually interested in getting naked.

The solution to this isn't to buy her flowers or to buy sexy lingerie to get him revved up. You're going to have to do bigger things if you want better results. You have to work through the problems. Talk about what bothers you. Listen to what bothers him. Stop defending yourself and really listen. You may think she's got it all wrong, but you need to see things from her point-of-view. Really look at conflicts from the other side. No one is completely right and no one is totally wrong.

The good news is that couples feel empowered by a resolved conflict. They actually feel strong and sexy! Initially, this process can feel draining, but the impact is so good for the relationship, your sex will just get better.

So listen to your mate. Repeat back what your partner is telling you, just to make sure you heard right. Talk to each other about what's bothering you. Find a way to understand one another, then you can find a way to resolve the conflicts. Otherwise, the boring, infrequent sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Just a warning sign of trouble ahead. The good news is that sex can also be a tremendous glue in a relationship. Don't miss out on making it better.

Stay or Go?

To say that relationships are complicated is an incredible understatement. We're more confused about love than ever.

According to the statistics from Rutgers University's The Marriage Project, while the divorce rate is actually declining, so is marriage. Rather than getting married, more people are choosing unmarried relationships. If, however, you've ever participated in a relationship that didn't include actual legal marriage, you know that it still isn't simple! Relationships--married or not--are challenging. Individuals not wanting to live their lives in a solitary state face many questions: Who to be with? Where to find someone? Is this the Right someone? And once you've connected with a someone, the questions just get bigger.

Many adults, and lots of people who've not yet reached this designation, cycle through romantic interactions in a bewildered daze. You may not know why you're with the one you're with or even if you're actually with this someone. Sometimes, individuals aren't even sure whether or not they're in a relationship. Currently, the gray area between "just friends" and "dating" has gotten even grayer.

But, let's say you've sorted through this issue and you are in a relationship. Now, despite the nice feeling of having someone who cares whether you get home at night, the trouble starts. Perhaps one of the most challenging points in any relationship comes when you realize that it's not as perfect as you'd hoped and, in fact, sometimes it really sucks.

In one of the sucking moments, you will inevitably ask yourself: stay or go? Tough it out hoping things will get better? Or get out now? This is particularly difficult if the bad times are really, really bad, involving perhaps the intervention of law enforcement personnel. Or, if the bad times have become the norm.

So, if you're in a relationship in troubled times, you may be in the middle of trying to answer the question of whether you should stay or go. There are many issues: kids, money, fidelity. Perhaps, however, the single most significant question you can ask yourself is also the hardest to answer.

Does this relationship make you a better person?

Now, every one wants to wiggle out of this one or ask for clarification as to what "better" means. Relationships are very confusing and subjective, by nature. So let's try to be objective and just look at the hard facts.

While in the relationship, are you…

…Doing better or worse in your chosen profession(or in school)?

…experiencing an increase in risky behavior? (Drinking to excess or using drugs) Or a decrease in these activities?

…Moving forward towards your life goals?

…Having greater or lesser difficulty with basic life functions?(i.e. paying your bills, meeting your obligations)

…Experiencing more or less conflicts in other significant relationships?(friends and family)

Basically, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is adding overall to your well-being and helping you to prosper and gain in ways you value. The answer to this question can be difficult. If the relationship is challenging, but seems to be pushing you in ways that benefit you, you might want to stay in it and figure out how to resolve the conflicts. If, however, your relationship seems to be contributing to your struggle to create the life you want, maybe it's time to seriously consider getting out or, at the least, get some therapy.

Life is too short to spend years in a conflicted relationship that cycles over and over through difficult time without improvement. You deserve better…and so does your partner.

Decision-Making: Emotional or Logical

Everybody thinks and everybody feels, but some make their decisions more from their heads and some more from their hearts. It is important to note that both these perspectives have value. Admittedly, both also have limitations.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an instrument which reflects individuals' preferences on four different continuums. One of these four is Thinking-Feeling, and as a continuum, it is important to recognize that this isn't an either/or situation.

The rational individual tends more toward a cognitive assessment of situations and relationships, disregarding somewhat the emotional level. In fact, Thinking Types have generally focused so much of their energy in life on cognition that they aren't always aware of their emotions. This logical approach can be vital if calibrating machinery, but not so great when trying to work out relationship issues. The more emotional person, however, is almost always able to report what he or she is feeling at a given moment. Usually, Feeling Types can report multiple feelings at any time and tend to reflect these emotions in their faces. Objective decisions, however, aren't made out of emotions. The differences as to functionality in this thinking-feeling preferece lies in the situation at hand. Few of us want the pilot of an aircraft we're occupying to "do what she feels" in a crisis situation. Sometimes you need to be more logical, sometimes you need to know--and express!--what you feel.

It might be helpful to specify what is actually a feeling and what is a thought. Opinions, assessments and statements of fact are more logically-oriented. Personal values and emotions are feelings. Just as you can't "feel" the exact measurements of a room--most of us would need a ruler--you also can't rationally determine your own personal reaction to a given situation. Except when we're talking about chemistry or physics, reactions are generally emotional.

You have--and need--both cognition and feelings.

It is important to recognize, however, that you can't "feel that" someone else is doing or saying anything. Anytime you say, "I feel that you …", you're not actually talking about your feelings. You feel your own emotions, no one else's. You perceive others' feelings sometimes, but you'd better take a cautious approach to interpreting these. Never tell someone else what they feel. You can guess, but you have no ground to argue.

Emotions are probably the biggest challenge in personal relationships. Learning to understand your own emotional responses and trying to understand others' feelings will enable you to make your way successfully through many life situations. Most importantly, we all need a balance. Some challenges in relationshiops require us to be very rational and some situations call for emotional awareness. Learn to have access to both aspects of yourself and you'll have a better life.

Outsourcing Your Emotions, Part 2

Emotions are messy, sometimes inconvenient and not always pleasant. By definition of the word, whether very positive or very negative, emotions involve an 'agitation or disturbance.' Emotional intensity can be scary and there are individuals who prefer to function out of their rational capacity whenever possible, remaining even-keeled in all eventualities. Who wouldn't want to avoid emotions like pain and loss? Individuals may even make foolish choices based on "good" emotions or find themselves taking actions, they regret. Distancing from such a volatile experience can look like a much better option. It seems safer. We humans, however, all have emotions as well as thoughts. So what's a rational-preferring person to do with the disturbing emotions?

Out-Source your emotions.

When a thinking type kid of thirteen wanted to go with her friends to see a very sad, very popular movie, her more emotionally-sensitive mother declined to accompany them. But the daughter returned from the viewing very upset and tearful and begged her mother to go see it. Surprised at her level-headed child's distress, her mom agreed. However, to the mom's surprise, although she found the movie depressing for a week after seeing it, her daughter, who'd seen it twice, now seemed to have no distress, at all. The daughter had out-sourced her feelings. Passed them on like a relay race runner. She'd handed her emotional distress off to someone else who was now displaying emotional intensity for them both.

This kind of emotional out-sourcing might be defined as "letting someone else do the messy stuff" and is probably not a conscious action. Nonetheless, letting others do the feeling for you is generally a bad idea. Emotions, like a radio, can't be turned down so that just one sound is cut out. If you're turning down the volume for one emotion, you're closing them all off. This can lead to feeling remote from your own life and can even contribute to depression.

Another aspect of out-sourcing emotions can appear to have the best of intentions. Very rational people who "fix" other's lives, often tell themselves that they're okay if their loved one is okay. They can go to extremes in placing others' needs before their own and often lead lives filled with sacrifice. The theme, however, of one individual being okay if another individual is good, is simply a reflection of out-sourcing.

We are impacted by the emotions experienced by the people we love. To some, it seems the only way to control the impact on themselves, is to make sure the loved one always feels good, positive emotions. As you can imagine, this "fixing" of someone else's life is very hard to sustain and can lead to resentment if the "fixed" individual sees the fixer as controlling, which is likely.

Consider this scenario: you find yourself telling a loved one about an upsetting or distressing situation and your loved one gets really upset or angry on your behalf. Paradoxically, you then find yourself arguing the other side of the situation. You tell your loved one to calm down, explaining why it's not really so upsetting or distressing. You talk about how he ought to see it rationally--like you are--and not let it upset her.

Poof! You've just out-sourced. Now that she's upset, you're not. You might even find yourself forgetting that you ever were upset. It's just her who's angry, not you. You then can walk away from your own emotional distress like you've deposited it in a trash can.

Out-Sourcing.

However, this way of dealing with your emotions can have several negative effects. Your loved one will probably get really tired of being set-up to be the receptacle of your troubled feelings and the relationship will be affected in a bad way. In addition, you will have effectively disconnected and distanced yourself from your own emotions and, while this may seem easier at the moment, you'll come to worse struggles because of it.

Emotions, while not always warm and fuzzy, are functional. You need to feel what you feel. Some kinds of information comes packaged with feelings. Do you have an uneasy sense around a certain co-worker? Even though he's always smiling and laughing? He may just remind you of a kid in high school who used to bully you, but maybe darker things are brewing that you should examine. Some emotions have been given a bad name--just think if you've ever heard of Sadness Management classes or Happy Management classes! Anger has been given a bad rap. Anger, sadness, happiness, affection, annoyance--all are emotions, not behaviors.

You choose your behaviors and you need to quit blaming your emotions. You can feel an emotion and be okay. It won't kill you and it won't make you kill anyone else. In fact, feeling your emotions without trying to disconnect from them, will help you make better decisions and keep you in better mental and physical health.