DATING HOW-TO

Get a Clear Picture of The Life You Want

This is important. If you see yourself and a large family living in the mountains, you don't need to get with a guy who doesn't want kids or who can't imagine living outside the city. If you dream of traveling to far off lands, don't get with a guy who thinks home is the only place a sane person would stay.

Know the life you're envisioning and remember this when it comes to picking a mate.

Is being married important to you? Then, don't spend years going out with someone who doesn't ever want to get married or who says vaguely that if it happens, it happens. If you don't see yourself having children, you'd best steer clear of guys with kids or those who want their wives/significant others to stay home with their progeny. The same thing goes for jobs. If you are invested in a career that demands a lot of you, then you need a mate who's supportive of what you're doing.

Dating may seem like it should be casual and natural, but chances are you'll have to make some decisions. Better to do that before you lose your heart to a man who doesn't share your values.

Know Your Own Values

Different beliefs about money are the number one conflict area that couples split up over. If you're a saver vs. spender, you need to know this. If earning a million before you're thirty is a big goal, that factors into your relationships. Having similar feelings about the importance of your income won't guarantee your relationships, but having very different feelings about money is guaranteed to challenge relationships. You might see things differently when it comes to finances, but you've got to respect the importance of one another's money value.

Feelings about fidelity run deep. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist, but your partner thinks cheating is "natural", the two of you have big trouble ahead. Cheating is too often a reality in relationships and runs a close second to conflicts over money. Infidelity is usually a reflection of unresolved issues in the relationship, but you need to know how you feel about a committed mate stepping out on a partner.

Some couples long to have their mates go to church with them. If this is a major value for you, don't date someone who views organized religion as a "opiate of the masses." It may not seem sexy to ask a guy on your first date if he goes to church, but you ought to wedge this discussion into the conversation before you unzip your dress and get naked with him. In order to make this a priority, you need to get a grip of your own feelings about religion.

The "Curl Your Toes" Factor

You may have decided not to let your passions rule your romantic decisions and I applaud you for this, but you need to consider the importance of sex appeal to a relationship. Dating someone based on whether or not you want to rip his clothes off probably isn't a good idea, but you have to be interested in how he looks when he's naked. If you completely disregard this, you run the risk of having a passionless relationship and that's just sad. It is possible to have both stability and hot-cha-cha.

Okay, Get Set, Interview!

It so doesn't seem sexy, but dating is a lot like looking for a job. Both you and he have certain stuff you need in a mate--just be honest about it. You may meet some great, interesting guys, but just not see a future with them. Do your best not to fall in love with the idea of falling in love. The guy in question might be lonely, too, but he wants you to want him, not just settle. He also doesn't want you taking up time on his dance card, if you just don't want to be alone and you're biding your time until a more likely candidate comes along.

Ask the important questions. Maybe not on the very first date--don't want to be checking off a list--but soon. Certainly before you start wrinkling his sheets or picking out china patterns.

Dating can be tiring and exhausting. It can also be okay. Remember the old adage that you "...have to kiss a lot of frogs..."? Well, the frog wants to make sure you're a good bet, too.

Go out, have a good time and interview each other.

NEW BABY AND FAMILY RIFTS

A frustrated husband and father writes "We have been married for about 18 months and had our first daughter six months back in June.... For the two years my wife and I dated as well as the first year of our marriage, the four of us(my parents and us) got along incredibly well.... When we had our daughter,...my mother was a bit overbearing and inserted herself a bit much. This left a bad taste in my wife's mouth and damaged their relationship. Over the next several months my mom dialed things back...[but] my wife continues to find fault with most everything my parents do...she is interpreting every action as a slight against her and my parents way of getting back at her.... I desperately want all of us to have a happy life together, for she and my mom to have their relationship back and for my parents to enjoy their only grandchild and daughter-in-law."

Frustrated Husband and Father may not like it, but I suspect he's playing a bigger part in all this than he sees. His wife is just adjusting to the major role of parent, and he could be part of the problem. The focus now is on his parents and their actions, but the change he sees in their relationship with his spouse is linked to the even bigger changes in her life.

Think about it this way, being a parent--even when long desired--brings with it a whole lot of baggage. Particularly for women.

There's the difference in how she spends her time and the lack of sleep, but this (while difficult) is only part of the picture. Most women accept the majority of the emotional responsibility for their children--how they're cared for, what they need and want, how well they sleep, if they're "happy" babies, and on and on. This is why most mothers feel so entitled for big gifts and big hoopla with Mother's Day. Motherhood brings great expectations, both from society in general and from the mother herself.

So, here's the part Frustrated Father plays: Give the woman a break. She's dealing with the spoken and unspoken criticism of all the mothers she meets. Especially your mother.

There's also the possibility that she's diverting some of her overwhelmed distress from you to your mother. Most men these days feel pretty good about their parenting. They think they are involved fathers and do just as much of the parenting work as their mates, but statistics don't indicate that men are equally involved with women in caring for their children.

Women still carry the bigger load and part of this is because they themselves expect to "be the mom." Part of the disparity in parenting is also because men really don't see all that's required and still are glad to leave most of the work to moms. It's a pretty overwhelming expectation--accepting even 65% of the care for a newborn--and women don't usually stop all their other activities. This is all complicated by the interactions and expectations within the relationship.

Not only is Frustrated's wife dealing with new parenthood, she's still adjusting to their marriage. This is no small matter for most people. A new marriage ranks high on the list of life changes that lead to increased stress, as does the birth of a baby. There have been a lot of changes in this woman's life. If her new mother-in-law presumed some in the very beginning of parenthood, she might have painted a target on her back.

I recommend Frustrated do a serious self-inventory, asking himself if he's carrying as much of the new load as his wife and that he give the woman a break. If he continues his silent condemnation of her as the meanie who won't get along with his parents, he's missing his own part in these dynamics. Sure, she's probably unfair to his parents sometimes. But moving forward with this requires him to cut her some slack and get into the parenting trenches with her. He also needs to make sure that the two of them have time together and that the issues that come up between them are as openly addressed as he can manage.

Don't think I'm saying that this is all Frustrated's fault. It's not, but he has some responsibility for the situation, which gives him power.

I'm all for everyone feeling their power.

DIVIDED FAMILIES, INHERITANCE WOES

"My sister and I are grown and on our own for fifteen plus years. We have [now] been disowned by our father for the past year. Our mother passed away 7 years ago, [but] just last year her mother passed away. [Our] father became very upset when my mother's portion of the inheritance from our maternal grandparents went to my sister and I. That is when he cut us out of his life. ...he wants us to sign those houses over to him, since he was not named in their will. ...he has gotten himself in a major debt and now he is trying to get us to bail him out."--Estate Confusion

My condolences on the lost of your grandmother and both of your parents--Mom to death and dad to the squabbling over money. The loss of a relative can be hurtful on a number of levels, the most needless is the fighting over assets. Lawyers with estate experience often see blood kin resorting to hostilities over the leftovers when a relative dies. It's just sad.

Money hits us in so many emotional areas--people seek recompense when they feel they've been unloved or loved less. The issue of financial need is often raised--those with less assets often feel they should inherit more than the rest--and like the email above from Estate Confusion, the arguments can deepen into long-term estrangement. There is often a sense of entitlement, either from a family connection or from some action taken. Some people feel owed.

It's enough to make those with money go looking for a charity to whom to leave the financial accumulation of a lifetime.

Emotional issues get played out when it's time to transfer wealth, even when the money doesn't add up to much. Sometimes, wills and the distribution of assets can be an attempt to control the actions of the inheritor. Remember the movies that show an legatee rushing to the alter by a certain deadline in order to inherit?

Estate Confusion indicates that she thinks her dad hasn't made good money choices and he now wants her to rescue him. There's also a hint that she disapproves of his money actions and wants to straighten him out. (Such a normal urge. We all occasionally want to straighten out the ones close to us.)

When these kinds of situations burst forth after the death of a relative, some people just hand over the money to avoid on-going family bitterness, but that usually means they end up feeling bitter, even if they don't talk about it. What everyone needs to realize as quickly as they can is that--beyond taking care of you when you were a child--parents don't owe you anything. Estate Confusion doesn't owe her father the houses that will get him out of financial trouble and she shouldn't be blackmailed into handing them over. But she also has to come to terms with the reality that she has no right to control her dad's actions. Even the really stupid ones.

If she approves of his decisions, will she give him the houses?

Money seems to equal power too often in this world and this is largely why we argue over it. Giving a relative the cash they want(and demand) won't fix the relationship. It won't make everything rosy and you may be left feeling screwed. Sometimes, you just have to accept the limitations in a relationship.

Look at your own actions to make sure you're being as honest with yourself as you can. Listen to trusted individuals(not those who want you to hand over the cash) and learn what you can learn from these conflicts.

But don't think you have to do what others want you to do, just to make peace. Sometimes, there's just no peace to be had.

FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS?

'Tis the season to be jolly...and shop and eat and spend time with family, although that last one may be making you nuts. These are the folks you grew up with and sometimes you want to bash their heads together. Most of us love the people who share our DNA, but that doesn't make the family dynamics easy.

The holidays bring a dilemma: You have time to spend with your family...and you have time to spend with your family. The social expectations at this time of year can be a heavy burden for those with conflicted family interactions or no interaction with family, at all. You're supposed to enjoy Uncle Joe, aren't you? What if he's meddlesome or worse yet, criminal and hurtful?

You don't choose the family into which you're born, and all families are not like the fun television families. Some are loving and wonderful--better than the Huxtables--but some have stilted, boring interactions and some family gatherings actually involve gun fire. Yours may not be this difficult, but it may not be Norman Rockwell, either.

What do you do when going to see relatives is a strain? You could follow the example of the characters in the Reese Witherspoon/Vince Vaughn movie Four Christmases and just go out of town every holiday season. If that's not an option or if you'd be consumed with massive guilt doing this, you're probably feeling like this too must be borne. You just want to get through the season. It's not supposed to be this way, but family interactions can be very difficult. Whether you've got siblings fighting over parents' wills or if a family member molested you when you were a child, family interactions can be hard to handle.

Sometimes you just need to skip it. That may seem harsh and it's probably not what you prefer, but it is important to give yourself this option. Choosing not to go to a family gathering doesn't make you a bad person. You need to do what is best for you, even if others don't understand it.

Sometimes those who feel the most connected, the most supportive, aren't blood relatives. All relationships have nuances and developments through time, but the people you choose to be with need to be the ones who add the most to your life...even if you're not biologically connected to them.

Because of the intimacy of family interactions, they can be complicated. One reader writes "...when will a family stop making assumptions about one another?" The sad answer to that is probably never. In many cultures, being family means a free pass to say what the heck you want, regardless of how this will be received.

You may love one another, but just not get each other's choices. In this case, conversations tend to be tricky and sometimes hurtful. Just because you're family doesn't mean you get to verbally critique one another--not unless this is requested. Even if it is...be careful how you respond. Love without commentary and suggestion can be deeply appreciated. Don't think you ought to be able to tell one another exactly what you think, just because you're in the same family. This can be harmful and not near as much fun as you'd like.

If you have the urge to utter condemning statements to one of your family members, think how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Don't think all your choices are golden. If the criticism is open and hurtful, it'll probably go both ways.

If you choose to spend time with your relatives, do your best to convey what you hope for them--that the marriage will be educational, even if you believe it'll end, that you hope they do actually enjoy the career path they're heading down, that you truly pray they'll come to terms with the substance abuse problem that's so obvious to you. Beam love to your loved ones. Life will eventually teach them the hard lessons and point out their failures. You don't need to.

If you're the one on the receiving end of some of these unfortunate comments, just respond with the statement that you know the speaker cares for you and is hoping for the best outcome.

Then, limit your time in the environment and do something fun afterwards. After all, families can be very complicated, even when there's a lot of love.

INFIDELITY DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN

K. from Kentucky is very distressed that he's cheated on his wife with a woman he says he cares for, but not as much as he loves his wife. He's going to confess this to his wife (he doesn't know how or when), but fears this will break them up.

Probably.

Since they don't live together and have had serious trouble in the past, this may end the relationship...and maybe it should.

Sex doesn't just happen. You can't blame it on proximity(we sleeping in the same apartment) or on the wicked wiles of the seductive other person. At some point, you pulled down your pants. You made a decision to be unfaithful. Your committed relationship may have had a ton of problems. You may not have felt loved and cherished. Your mate may have cheated on you first.

You might have been drunk.

All this matters, but the consequences are the same. If you've been unfaithful in a relationship, there's no reason to think you won't do so again or that you've just made a mistake like writing a phone number down incorrectly or giving the cashier a bill of the wrong denomination. Sex is a complicated set of behaviors. You had lots of time to think--even if you weren't thinking clearly.

Cheating involves very powerful emotions and far-from-simple situations. Don't think I don't get that. Even very intelligent and gifted people get themselves into compromising situations and are caught with their shorts down (i.e. Tiger Woods).

When trying to muddle this through, you need to ask yourself--What the heck was going on with me? This is a big question and it includes the state of your committed relationship, as well as, the personal challenges of the cheater. Relationships have an emotional flow, not unlike plumbing. You need to keep things open and, when they get clogged, it can get messy. Bad communication in a relationship leads to blockages. In this case, it's only natural that your interest seeps away and heads in other directions. That doesn't mean it's okay or healthy to cheat.

The cheater also may have issues that lead to the cheating--like using sexual activities to deal with emotions (either to block them or bolster them). For some people, sexual addictions replace healthy emotional connections, either because they've found emotional connections themselves to be too painful or because they don't know how to establish these. Others use sexuality to feel valuable when they don't otherwise believe this about themselves.

You also need to ask yourself What is going on with the committed relationship? Every relationship involves conflict and, if you don't know how to resolve these, you'll drift. No one cheats when they're in a fulfilling, connected relationship.

It may be that personal issues have kept one of you from being able to really invest or you might have struggled to feel close when there was massive unresolved issues hanging between the two of you. It may have felt like you fell out of love with your committed spouse and into love with the new person in your life.

Love doesn't work like that. You only fall out of it when there has been trouble in it.

Infidelity is a choice. You don't catch it from friends like the flu, you make a choice. Try to learn what the situation says about you...what you can learn from it.

Remember: Even really good people sometimes make unhappy choices.

OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIP

Contrary to some opinions, men and women can be friends. Sex can be terrific fun, but that doesn't mean that all possible sexual partners turn you on. Sometimes, you just like another person apart from any interest in seeing him naked.

Men and women can be friends. This doesn't usually work if they just broke up, however, or if one half of the equation hopes to get back together in a romantic involvement. Some people do form workable friendships after they've broken up, but most just shift into a relationship-never-land that doesn't help anyone move forward. Separation--disconnecting all the aspects of couplehood--is a complicated challenge. Trying to shift gears from romantic partnership to friendship takes time.

But what if you've never been more than friends? What if you're with a partner and your friends are just friends. This can be challenging, too, because it can feel threatening to your partner. Particularly when the relationship has issues to resolve and, basically, all relationships have these, at various times.

But if you're an individual who's always felt more comfortable with friends of the opposite sex, it doesn't seem weird at all.

You need to remember that lots of couples were friends before they began a romantic relationship and many individuals say their romantic partner is their best friend. So, the issue gets murky.

If, though, you're genuinely not interested in dating your friend, you need to remember several important aspects of this issue. Secrecy is scary. It conveys significance and line-crossing behavior. Think about things you hide. When there isn't a reason, you don't worry about keeping a secret. If you're not open, your partner will think some thing's going on. Emotional intimacy requires openness. If you're not telling your partner about interactions and/or significant conversations you have with your opposite sex friend, your partner's going to get nervous.

Let your friendship be transparent. Invite your partner to be involved with your friend. Maybe he's not into pool-like you enjoy with your friend--or he doesn't get into horseback riding or rugby. He might not be interested in the activities you enjoy, but talking naturally about what you do and inviting him along, when appropriate, will go a long way to making this a non-issue.

The most important thing you can do to address this issue, though, is to connect more intimately with your partner. The two of you need to maximize your communication and your enjoyment of one another. Then, it's not a big deal if your friend is a guy or a girl.

WHEN TO BE "NICE," WHEN TO BE DIRECT

You're always supposed to be nice...right? That's the message in the Santa Claus song("....He knows when you've been naughty. He knows when you've been nice...") and that's what most mothers tell their kids. Particularly girl children.

But niceness has limitations. Sometimes you need to state the facts and let happen what happens.

NICE

When you're on the phone with customer service...even if you've had a long, frustrating wait or been hung up on several times. Be nice to the person on the other end of the phone. But be direct with the supervisor (this doesn't mean calling names or cursing. Neither will help).

When you're on a busy highway and people are trying to merge politely. Go ahead and let a couple of cars in. Don't, however, let every car in or the drivers behind you will have reason to get mad. Also, drivers who are pushy don't really deserve niceness, but you need to know when to back off. They could be carrying weapons and you don't want to end up on the evening news.

When you're correcting a subordinant. Talk about the action that needs changing, not the person. Sweeping generalizations aren't helpful and won't yield the changes you need. Raising your voice also isn't likely to give you the results you desire. Talk in a level voice. Nice works in this situation, but don't think you have to ignore a problem. This actually isn't kind to your employer, your subordinant or you.

Talking to kids (and others who "don't matter.") This is one of those times when you need to remember that just because a child is less powerful doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some decency. You don't have to suck up to kids. They don't appreciate this either, but do be kind and reasonable...even if you want to scream at them.

DIRECT

When you're breaking up with someone. This isn't the time to talk about all the reasons you like a person or say that you'll always be friends. The "friends" thing is usually just to make you feel better and it isn't reasonable if you're ending the intimate part of your relationship. Be fair and kind. Deal with your own struggle in losing the friend-part of the relationship. If you're breaking up, you need to let the other person go. You may think you're softening the blow, but it actually makes things worse.

When you're reporting a crime. If you've been assaulted by a friend of a friend or hurt by a family member, don't try to make this less horrible than it is. Nice isn't appropriate here. You deserve better.

When you're telling a mate or lover about a problem in the relationship. You may have a urge to sugar-coat or downplay what you're feeling: Don't. One of the saddest parts of a break-up is when one person professes complete unawareness of the problems. Yes, your mate may suck at listening to you, but you have a responsibility to speak up about what's bothering you. Don't think trouble will just go away. It doesn't. It just eats at the foundation of the relationship till you don't like each other anymore. Own your feelings. Don't blame. But say what's bothering you and make sure you're heard.''

Niceness can be helpful, but there are moments you need to say what you're thinking straight out...particularly with the people you love.