I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

"I have 2 daughters. One is married with a baby and my older daughter is gay and has a partner.
When my youngest daughter was still in the hospital after the delivery of her son, her husband made sexual advances toward my older daughter-asking her if she had ever been with a man and saying that he'd been “thinking“ of her constantly. When we are together, he tries to spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with my daughter. She's done everything to discourage him and she's very upset that he's done this. She and her sister are very close.

My married daughter has had a lot of trauma in her life. She was raped at 18 while attending college. She attempted to take her life after the incident (unknown to us). We only discovered this after the suicide death of our only son. She made some bad relationship choices after the rape, which included getting into an abusive situation.

My question now is--should my daughter tell her about her husband's advances?? She seems unhappy with him anyway--but we do not want to cause more conflict. Does she have a right to know?? They really have no sex life and she says he's not seemed interested in that aspect of their marriage. She has related this to me and my daughter on several occasions.

If your advice is that my daughter should tell her--we would not be involved  any way. We do not want her to know that we know about the situation. It would strictly be between my two daughters.

Please help us make a good decision! We do not want her to further traumatize her life. She deserved the "right" decision from us."--Concerned Mother

 

*

 

Dear Concerned Mother,

 

Whether or not she tells her sister about the husband's overtures is up to her, but she needs to consider some possible outcomes. People vary on whether or not they want to be told bad things about their mates. If your daughter tells her sister, her sister may flat-out refuse to believe her and the relationship between them will suffer. On the other hand, her sister might be upset if this infomation is withheld and she later learns of it.

 

Her sister's marriage is pretty bad as it is, but sis hasn't decided to leave him. Getting a divorce is a very personal decision and your married daughter has a right to do this in her own time--or not at all. If she wants to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage, she gets to do that.

 

Either way, you're right to stay out of it. Your daughter needs to make the decision herself.

 

What you can do, however, is encourage your traumatized daughter to take care of herself. She deserves to get therapy to help her heal from her trauma and her bad relationship choices. Help this daughter see that you believe in her, that you know she has the capacity to live a fullfulled life. Then let her make her own relationship choices. Act like she's an intelligent, capable individual.

 

Your other daughter needs to take a strong stand with her sister's husband--she needs to tell him with conviction that his sexual advances toward her have to stop. In the strongest possible terms, she needs to indicate that they will be spending no one-on-one time and his continued pursuit of her will force her to let his wife know just what he's up to.

 

If he then continues to try to force his presence on her, she needs to level with her sister in the most matter-of-fact way. Her sister still may not believe her, but at least she'll have blown the dirty secret open.

 

**

 

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

 

People often want to bring others in for therapy so I can straighten them out. Parents bring surly teens and five year-olds who throw tantrums. Husbands bring wives and wives bring husbands. Grandparents sometimes try to make appointments for their adult grandkids.

 

Others' issues are always very clear to us, but the reality is that we each get to direct our own lives. We get to choose whether or not we pay attention to our consequences and whether we change our behavior accordingly. Basically, we each get to be in charge of our own lives, even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

 

When I'm faced with a third-party bringing someone in for me to "fix them", I have to break the news that I don't have the power to change someone. This is usually a shock. Even clients who've come in because of their own issues, sometimes get frustrated that I don't have a magic wand to wave over them to make it all better.

 

What I do have is a clear perspective on whatever you're facing. And I can help you see your own struggles. I can also help you see your alternatives and the possible consequences of each of these.

 

You have mothers and partners and friends who are all eager to tell you just what you should do. That's not my job. I don't have the power to magically wean you from your bad habits; I can't make kids behave by just telling them they should(always frustrating to parents).

 

I am a pretty good listener, though, and that's not a small thing. Listening is huge and most of us struggle to do this with the ones we love.

 

You can listen without agreeing(always a big concern) and you can reflect back to the ones you love what you heard them say. You'll be wrong, at first, but with continued effort, the one you're listening to will manage to say what he means and you'll finally be able to hear him. This is a pretty big thing and it helps us be open to feedback when we think we're actually being listened to.

 

You have to accept first, however, that your brother/mate/son/friend has the right and power to direct his own life. He doesn't have to do it your way and you don't have the power or the right to insist that he see it your way.

DON'T TAKE THEIR CONSEQUENCES

My daughter and her husband have been having problems for quite a while. In fact, he says he hasn’t felt right about them for 3 years. (They are married 6+).  My husband and I have stayed out of it, unless she asks for help.  They still live together, but more or less as roommates.  He doesn’t know what he wants.  He finally has agreed to counseling, but they haven’t started yet.  Last night, my daughter called and asked what we were doing about Father’s Day, saying she'd like her husband included in our family plans.  We have not spoken to him for months and we are devastated at how he is treating her. We really do not want to be around him right now.  My daughter thinks we should put her feelings before our own because we are the parent and children should come first. When we were raising our children, they were put first before our own needs, but as an adult that does not apply.  We will support her any way we can and hopefully in the future, we will be able to have a relationship with our son-in-law.  But there is just too much pain and hurt to want to have him as part of family functions.  Are we wrong for feeling this way?

*

Dear Concerned Parent,

They may not still be together come Father's Day, as that will be six months off.  I don't agree that adult children should always be put first, but this conflict isn't really about that. It's about conveying to your daughter that you accept her as a person in her own right. That you believe in her, even when she's not sure she believes in herself. She's the only one who can decide if her marriage is working for her, not you.

You love your daughter and you want the best for her. That means you need to follow her lead in this. As parents, we're always working our way out of a job. We encourage them and try to teach our children what they need to be strong adults, so let her do that here. She's in an unhappy situation with her husband and, as difficult as that is to watch, you have to take the back seat on this one.

Unless her husband has physically attacked her or you--or stolen from you--you have to let her decide what family functions to include him in. Whatever she does with the marriage is her decision. You may be disappointed in your son-in-law. You might have felt close to him, but are now repulsed by who he's shown himself to be. It's still her call whether she continues to be married to him or not.

In the past, my husband and I talked of traveling over the Christmas holidays so we wouldn't have to deal with our troubled children and their troubled relationships. We didn't end up doing this, but I very much understand your desire to avoid interacting with your son-in-law. You need to suck it up, however. Smile at him and sincerely wish him to find whatever he needs. Even if you don't like him--or he doesn't seem to like you--hope for his learning.

You didn't want your parents deciding who you should or shouldn't be with. Now it's time to let your daughter make her big decisions.

**

 

DON'T TAKE THEIR CONSEQUENCES

 

It's very difficult to watch your child struggle, even when she deserves it. Parents frequently wrestle with the question of what they did wrong when a child of theirs makes a choice that leads to lousy consequences. As a parent, you had your difficult moments, but you shouldn't accept responsibility for the actions your child takes. The older the child, the more she gets to direct her life. This is her right and her responsibility.

 

When a kid is under legal age, parents have the role to direct her, but when you have an adult(or nearly-adult) child, you need to step back and make sure you're not stealing your child's learning.

 

When you make her consequences go away, you're robbing her of a learning opportunity. Don't do that, even if you have the kindest motivation. Even if watching her struggle is painful for you.

 

It's just part of the cost of parenting.

 

When I watched my first child learn to crawl and saw her heading away from me, I had a clear moment of seeing the future. No matter how much they love you, they need to lead their own lives. You will always be important to her--kids love even parents who abuse and neglect them--but you have to find a way to develop a new role. Be a loving, supportive parent who believes in her, even when she doesn't believe in herself.

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

"I was involved in an relationship when I was only 24 years old with a girl who had just completed her high school education. She got pregnant and we had a baby girl. Being a person who is a victim of family breakup, I decided to take her as my wife.

Now the problem is that I believe our relationship was not based on love, but on infatuation and lust and that was by me. Her position was that she breakup with me, but I forced on her and she almost left for her home village. I tried by all means to break the move and I managed. We got married through the traditional way. During that time that I was supposed to pay dowry, she got pregnant for the second born and we were blessed with a baby girl.

From that time, we are not agreeable. We just argue and she has insisted for the third time that we should go our way. I have always objected to this. I am writing this email after we had a discussion. We didn't agree, but I told to consider me a husband and have respect for the family. I even told her that if she wants to be with me, she better follow my instructions. If not ready then the door are always open.

 

My question is this forcing marriage on her"? Please help. I feel helpless. She does not care for me. We have three children. My father and mother divorced in 1983 when I was just 5 years old.

The bottomline is I spend most or all of my time trying to make the relationship work to no avail. I love her and I don't want the kids to go through what I went through."

*

 

Dear Distressed Father,

 

Just because you two disagree, doesn't mean your wife doesn't love you. Has she told you she doesn't care for you? From what you wrote(praise to you for knowing even this much of a foreign language),  it's clear that you love your children and you're very concerned that they not have the same experience you had as a boy. I don't know if your dad stayed in your life or what difficulties followed the divorce, but parents separating can be hard on kids.

 

If the two of you fight all the time, though, your children have a rough home life, even now. You've tried arguing, insisting and demanding your wife do things your way and these aren't working. Either you need to learn to listen to her complaints--and stop trying to force her to follow you--or you need to let her go.

 

Being a divorced father doesn't mean you have to be an absent father. You can still see your kids regularly and be a loving dad, even if you don't live with them. Divorce is hard on kids, but having parents who fight and argue all the time is worse. 

 

**

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

 

Bad things happen in every life--some of these caused by us and some the results of random events. If we did something foolish or didn't realize the results of our choices, we can feel very badly about causing a crisis in our lives. Every one of us messes up sometimes. It's part of existing on this planet.

 

Random events also happen. We certainly don't deserve everything we must deal with. Sometimes the innocent suffer, but suffering isn't just for the blameless.

 

The important thing to remember is that we need to learn from every one of these bad situations. Whatever our personal crises involves, we need to meet our challenges with an open mind. What can I learn from this? Some crisis are initiated by our own actions--by what we do or don't do--but wallowing in regret is a waste of energy. Acknowledge the feeling. Own it, but don't swim in it too long.

 

Even if we didn't ask for these situations by making questionable choices, we still can always look to the learning. Difficult situations lead to loss, heartbreak and loneliness and these can lead to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is where we can learn. Sometimes, the greatest learning is in how we respond to challenges.

 

We tend to bemoan difficult situations and often blame ourselves, even when we could have done nothing to change the events. Bemoaning is understandable, but nothing is gained by beating yourself up. There are choices you'd make differently, of course. But learning from the situation can be blocked when we're so disgusted with ourselves that we're unable to take an objective look at where we are.

Be honest with yourself, but don't be cruel. Finding the right balance will help you take whatever positive growth you can from your challenging moments.

EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE

You and your mate probably had fun picking your wedding invitations and celebrating the day, but becoming a union is a little more challenging. Marriages die half the time and these aren't good odds. You may know people--intelligent, attractive folk--who've been married multiple times. You may be in this group yourself.

The tough times come, though, and sometimes they're a surprise. You may have had an inkling of trouble ahead, but you figured it would work out. After all, you loved one another. This seems like it should make things easier, but we're at our most vulnerable and most difficult with those we love.

Take the time now to think about what you expected marriage to mean. This is different for different people and we don't usually discuss these differences. Even if you and your mate seem very similar in backgrounds, political party and life preferences, ironing out your differences is challenging. You need to think--as honestly as possible--what you want out of marriage or couplehood. It's difficult for many to be this introspective, but knowing this about yourself makes it easier to deal with the bumps in the relationship.

Handling Money

This is the biggest issue in most marriages. Think about whether you fall into the spend or saver categories. This is a range and probably isn't either/or, but your attitude about money is huge when it comes to sharing income with someone else. Some couples try to go around this issue by never putting their money together. They keep separate check books and credit cards, sharing expenses. But what if one of you makes a lot more than the other? Does the one with more income pay a larger percentage of the bills? Do you live where the poorer one can afford a home or do you buy where the one with more money wants?

How do you pay for vacations and eating out? Everything from money spent on household items to money spent at leisure comes right down to your attitude about finances.

Sex

Some people want it every day and others are good with twice every month. Is fidelity important to you? It isn't to some, but most require this in their intimate relationships. (Think carefully before you make broad statements about what you'd do if your partner cheats. This is hard to know until you're facing it.) Some marriages exist without sex, either at the beginning or--more likely--as they progress. Be aware that unless you've both agreed to a celibate marriage, no sex is an indication of problems between you.

Lifestyles
 
If you're a party animal and your mate just wants a quiet life with the two of you, you'll have major issues. You need to know what you want. Not that your mate has to have your same attitude toward social time--I cannot stress this enough--but it's important for you to know what you need. Your partner may crave much more contact with friends. You guys can always balance this out, but again, knowing your own preferences is important.

You need to ask yourself what you want in your marriage and then you need to think hard about what your partner whats. Listen to him or her about this. We too often assume that others share the same desires. No, not true. Your partner is an individual, as are you. Different people have different needs and desires. Don't automatically characterize your way of thinking as the only right way to think. Many, many of us do this and it causes big relationship problems. You have your perspective on various issues and your partner has his or hers.

Respect your mate's feelings. After all, you want your feelings and opinions to be respected, don't you? Give your mate the same respect.

Knowing yourself--and working to know your spouse--will help you deal with relationship conflicts. You have a better chance at loving yourself and your partner if you'll seriously examine what you both want out of your partnership.

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

"My stepson is ten, and has no boundaries. At his mothers home, he's allowed to watch any rated show and movies and play any kind of video games any time and as long as he wants. He's allowed to wander the neighborhood and go to the store with friends or alone. He eats and drinks whatever he wants anytime. When he doesn't want what's been made, he's made something else at his mother's. At our home, he's not allowed to have any of these freedoms, and he's disrespectful when he is made to come visit his father. He whines incessantly about how boring it is and how lame we are. He paces the house, saying he's bored.

 

 He talks my daughter(shes 8yrs old), his half sister, into asking one of us if  'they' can do something she wouldn't normally ask for because she knows she not allowed to. I don't know if he thinks she'll get us to say okay.  He complains that he 'hates the cello!' his sister plays, instead of just going somewhere else while she practices. He hates the kind of music we listen to, so he makes rude points about it, as well. If he doesn't like what we have to eat--even if we make something just for him because he's said he likes it--he just doesn't eat or he asks for one thing, then sneaks a bunch of bananas or puddings and eats them until they're gone. Then, when he goes home, he tells his mom we didn't feed him.

 

Its becoming a lot to handle, even though they are little things to some people. He does this kind of thing constantly. It's disrupting our whole household when he's over, no matter how much we do to make him comfortable. He's been doing all this for the last 5 years and his mom doesn't make him come over to his dad's on all the times his father is supposed to get him because she says he doesn't want to come over or he's 'sick'. His being 'sick' has been the main excuse for the last 8 years.

 

My husband can't make her make him come over more often, if she's using the sick excuse. We don't know what to do. We've both talked nicely to his mom about it, trying to get him more often, but she just says to let him do what he wants and he'll be happy when he's over. But we shouldn't have to bribe him or change our rules for him. We know he shouldn't be allowed to do some things that are not age appropriate, but if she won't help and he won't listen to us, what are we supposed to do? Please help."--Frustrated Stepmom

 

*

Dear Frustrated Stepmom,

 

I get that you're upset with your stepson and his mom, but I'm not sure I understand his father's role in all this. Most kids have rules, but they usually feel a connection with their parents that makes them overlook rules they don't like. This is what I'm not seeing in what you've written. Where's your husband? Is he involved with his son? Do they play together? Does his son feel loved by him, even though he doesn't like what you're having for dinner?

 

Your stepson's mother and the way she parents can't be changed. At least, not by you. But your husband's interaction with his child should probably be given some more focus. This is his son. The kid cares more about him than you. Your husband has the best position to deal with his son not wanting to visit with him.

If your husband has been involved, but his son is still rejecting for whatever reason, it might be time to let his son go for the betterment of your family. We all get to make choices and your step-son has the right to reject his father's new family. Your husband could be involved with his son--which is important for them both---by going to his son's games or school events, without everyone having to suffer with weekend visits. Kids at ten are really caught in the middle you. Neither his father nor you can stop his mom from creating this situation, if that's what she's doing .

 

**

 

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

 

Not long ago, I saw a piece in a newspaper that discussed a certain death row inmate. He'd done some awful things and he was facing the ultimate consequence. In this article, it was reported that his lawyer was attempting to get the inmate's sentence changed, saying his mother had been mean to him.

 

Mothers are human beings and sometimes humans do terrible things. Sometimes to their own offspring. This is true of both fathers and mothers, but somehow female parents bear a bigger expectation.

 

I know from my clients that a fair number of us have had mothers who are difficult in various ways. Some mothers kill their children; others abuse them or let third parties abuse them. Most of us with difficult mothers haven't had to deal with that extremity of bad parenting, but let's just say that sometimes parents--of both sexes--can be a real pain.

 

Loving parents are a tremendous gift. We come into the world naked and completely dependent. Children are vulnerable--if sometimes annoying--individuals. Kids deserve to be loved and cherished and placed at the highest priority. Heck, we all deserve this, no matter our ages, but kids are weaker and smaller. Moms and dads have great power by virtue of the fact that we are so impacted by them.

 

I don't know how many times I've been discussing a difficult parent situation with an adult and when I ask why the client tolerates this, I hear "But she's my mother." Moms are supposed to love you. That's what we expect.

 

I say let's give the dads some of this power. Studies show that girls do better in school if they have active fathers in their lives. Dads are very important and they're just as responsible for parenting as moms. Too often, the mom still pushes the stroller and still does most of the parenting. This is changing, thank goodness, and guys are getting more into the parenting picture, but we have a way to go.

 

Regardless of what kind of parenting you did or didn't have, you get to be responsible for how you live your life. This is not to say that some of us haven't had it bad. We have. But each individual has the power to make choices. Whether those lead to Death Row are not is up to you.



REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING

"I want help from you to save our marriage. We had a love marriage based on understanding each others feelings. We love each other a lot but still a lot of things are going wrong. My hubby has no time at all. We've been married two years and we haven't spend a single whole day together. All the time he is busy. I agree that he has work, but one day in a year isn't manageable? I want his time, but he has no time for me. When he returns home from work, he sits watching TV. If I try to touch him or speak to him, he says move, let me see that programme. He kiss me only in bed, once before and once after sex. He doesn't try to know if I am satisfied in bed. If I tell him I'm not satisfied, he says it's because I' not interested in having sex with him. If by chance any romantic scene comes on the TV, he changes the channel immediately if I am with him. If I'm not there, he will watch it. I wonder if he's the person who shared and cared my feeling before marriage. I feel lonely at home without him. This makes me cry so many times. When he sees me crying, he asks why I'm crying. He asks what torture he's given me to make me to cry like that. He says I don't want to live with him. He tells me to leave him and go, that he will live without me. He says our marriage is going to break one day, if I continue to cry like this. But I cry for him only, because I miss him. If I tell him we should go out, he says it would be odd to roam like lovers. I've tried to explain him my feelings to him, but then he says again that I should leave if I'm so unhappy. I don't know how to tell him that what I need is him and his time. Please help me. Am I wrong? Am I a bad wife? I do all that I can to love him. I don't think I'm wrong in any way. Am I crazy? Inspite of all this, I think he really loves me. but something is going wrong."--Lonely Wife

*

 





Dear Lonely Wife,

You say your husband loves you, but you also said over and over that you don't feel loved. You and your husband have fought about your crying, but have you told him that you want him to spend more time with you--without the television on? You want to save your marriage and I understand that, but I'm not sure that you and your husband want the same thing.

If he works hard, he's probably trying to de-stress by watching television. Even so, this relationship isn't giving you both what you want and marriages that don't do this, don't usually last.

##

 

 

REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING





 

Everyone makes mistakes. We all fail sometimes. We lose jobs or relationships, sometimes because we've screwed up.

 

I trained under a man who claimed to have no regrets, but I think this attitude blocks our learning. I've made stupid choices, trusted the wrong people and headed down blind alleys. I think this is part of the human condition--we all make mistakes, but I think we limit ourselves if we don't take these opportunities to learn.

 

It doesn't help to get lost in regret. Even if we've hurt others and damaged ourselves, we need to look around for the good. This can be very difficult if the situation if we feel tremendous remorse, but every rough time has its lessons. You're short-changing yourself if you don't get the lesson. Why? is a great question, if you don't load it with blame and self-hatred. You need to understand why you did whatever you did, but the learning will be blocked if you wallow in beating yourself up. Try to be objective about it. I know this can be very difficult, if you've messed up pretty badly, but if you want to be a better person, you need to look at your choices without ugly emotions.

 

Take a deep breath and look at the choices you made. Ask yourself why and don't settle for any answer that's a variation of "...because I'm an idiot."

 

We all have some basic emotional needs--we want to feel special, to be loved, to feel vindicated. We want to achieve...and sometimes we trample other people to get to our goal. We struggle with self-belief and self-involvement. We have a hard time seeing others' perspectives, particularly when they're different from our own.

 

But you're not a total screw-up.

 

Think of it this way--you're not allowed to say anything about yourself that you wouldn't say about your best friend, in the same situation. And don't tell me your best friend wouldn't do something like you've done because we all make bad choices sometimes. All of us.

 

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you think whatever you did--or didn't do--is okay. It doesn't mean you'd make the same choice again. It just means that you're still a worthwhile person. Looking at yourself without blame allows you to take from the situation all the learning that's there for you. This is important because you don't want to be here again.

 

DON'T BE AFRAID(TO SAY GOODBYE)

I've always said that, as a therapist, I'm trying to work my way out of a job. The point of the whole thing is for you to get better, do better, feel better. And not need to come see me anymore.

It's really nice to have someone to listen to you--and this is a big problem in most relationships--but I'm here to help you better connect to others in your world. Not to connect to just me. I want to help you find people to listen without a diagnosis or a credit card involved.

It's very important that you feel understood and valued by any therapist you're seeing. This is huge as it makes you more comfortable when talking about issues that can be difficult. I have a sign in my office that tells clients I won't speak to them first if I see them in public. We live in the same area and potentially go to the same stores and restaurants, but I never want clients having to explain me to whoever they're with. It's no one's business, but yours. Understand that I'm always glad to see you; I just don't want you having to explain me or talk to me, if you don't want.

Going to therapy can seem weird and wrong. It may seem like you're paying someone to care about you. You may struggle to tell a stranger very personal things about your life. On the other hand, sometimes a stranger is just what you want. Someone you don't have to face again, if you don't want. Someone without a vested interest, beyond you doing well.

Don't feel like you owe me anything(beyond your fee. Gotta pay the electric bill). Therapy is all about you. It's focused on you and how you feel and what you need to learn to make your life better. It's common that when clients get to this point in therapy, they just don't come back anymore. No cancellation, no statement to the therapist. They just evaporate. I think its from awkwardness. They don't know how to tell the therapist that they don't need her anymore(they think) or they think I'll be hurt by them going on with their life and not coming in to see me.

No, I really am trying to work my way out of a job. There's no shame in struggling toward a better place. If you falter and want to come back, I'll understand. But getting better is a good thing. Not needing to talk anymore about your issues is a good thing.

So when you've learned what you need to learn, when you want to take a break from the sometimes-exhausting process. When you don't need to come back, it's okay to say goodbye.