REVENGE CHEATING

This is pay-back, pure and simple. A version of "you hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you." Be very careful if you're thinking along these lines. I totally get that having a mate--the person closest to you--cheat on you hurts like hell. In that distressed moment, you want to lash out, to make your lover understand how badly you've been hurt by his action.

But doing this just makes you a cheater, too, and you know what you think of his having broken his commitment to you. Do you--in your more rational moments--want to sink to his level?

The problem with revenge cheating is that it's cheating. No matter how you slice it, you will always have cheated, not just been cheated on. In this world of twisted tit for tat, you will have to some extent, have leveled the playing field. His transgression will matter less and that's not what you're going for, at all.

In all further discussion of his having stepped out on you, he will throw this in your face. He'll probably say that he only does this because you're throwing his having cheated in his face, but this kind of wound lingers. Even if he promises never to do this again and gives you all his passwords, plus total access to his cell phone, you're probably going to want to again bring up that you can't trust him.

You'll have questions about his cheating--probably lots of questions--and he'll use your having cheated as a deflection from his behavior.

Being cheated on can leave you feeling like you've been shredded. Everything you always counted on before can no longer be assured and, even though he sometimes seems like the guy you love, you'll struggle to move beyond this.

Couples can move beyond cheating, but only under certain conditions. The cheater has to completely renounce the extracurricular relationship. There can be no secrets and you have to learn to successfully address the issues that led to this breach in the first place. Cheating only happens in weakened relationships. Something wasn't right, even if there were lots of great things between you. In order to get beyond this, you both need to learn to talk about the things you've be so carefully not talking about all these years.

You need to learn to talk--and listen--about the issues that you've not settled before. The problems that have festered inside you both.

Either you walk away from a cheating lover or the two of you begin learning how to be different. Staying and trying to forget (or trying to get back to where you once were) doesn't heal the wound. Revenge cheating won't make you feel better in the long run and it's a big choice to make for short-term satisfaction.

DEPRESSION AND MEDICATION

We live in a very complicated world and sometimes we get depressed. Many choose to take medications to help with this, but a recent Harvard study showed that depression medication--for those who are mildly to moderately depressed--has no more impact than that of a placebo. For the severely depressed, medication was found to have more effect.

For some time, professionals have recommended that individuals seek therapy for depression, along with medication. Some, however, don't tolerate medication and choose to forego it altogether. Others don't like how these medications make them feel.

For some time now, many have used the phrase "chemical imbalance", referring to the belief that those who are depressed have some sort of medical condition that leaves the depressed with no option other than medication. Clients have even reported to me that their physicians have told them they'll "have to be on medication" for the rest of their lives.

Pretty scary stuff, not to mention how expensive it can get.

Let's talk about depression--

Life Situations

We get depressed when we suffer losses--relationships that end, the death of loved ones, job losses or major life changes. I tell clients that sometimes depression makes sense. This can be the functional response to a very trying situation. 

Scary Moments Ahead

It is commonly recognized by professionals that big changes--even so called "good"ones--can leave us struggling with depression. Not all postpartum depression is due to hormonal changes. Sometimes we just feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

Teens can experience depression due partly to their being at a pivotal place in their lives. They can feel like their jumping off a very big cliff into grown-up responsibilities. For the first time, they are being launched into a big world with lots of expecations of them. Frequently, they have significant expectations of themselves. These are typically smart kids who comprehend that everything is changing. As with having a newborn child, depression at these moments can be more confusing because this is what you wanted! You wanted to go off to college, to create a life of your own. You dreamed of having a family. Why are you now feeling so blue?

The Highly Competent

Some individuals who seek help for depression have never before been in a situations they couldn't handle. These individuals are accustomed to having others call them strong, even in the face of big challenges. In their lives, they've always shoved aside feelings of sadness, discomfort and loss and soldiered on. They deal. These folks almost always have had some tough situations in their lives that they've handled--usually very well--and they are distressed and bewildered to find themselves suddenly struggling with depressed feelings that they can't shake. Often, they tell me that there is no reason for this depression, as their lives are great.

These are all transitional moments--even if you can't see anything changing. Sometimes, we feel weighed down by depression because we need to change something, need to tweak our internal perspective a little.There are those with severe depression who can find medication to be life-saving and some in the middle of major transitions need to use medication like they'd use a crutch with a broken leg.

Sometimes, you need help while you're doing some healing/shifting. There's certainly no shame in needing a crutch.

GO AHEAD. BLAME ME.

Being a teen is tough.

Yes, parenting teens is really tough, but if your kid is a teen--particularly a late teen--think about what they're facing. Most kids are sheltered and some are pampered. If the child is lucky and life is working out as it should, she's been looked after and encouraged to prosper.

When children come into this world as tadpoles of human beings, unable to do the simplest tasks for themselves, parents, extended family members and caregivers fed and bathe them and make sure they're comfortable. As they grew older, others ferried them to soccer practice and took them to the orthodontist. They needed this attention because they couldn't take care of themselves.

Then they enter high school and adulthood begins to loom. This is both exciting and very scary. I see a number of teens with anxiety symptoms at this age and I get it--they're almost adults, responsible for themselves. It's very natural for teens to wonder if they can do it. If they can get into and get through school. If they can find a job that will sustain them and get them the goodies to which they've become accustomed.

Growing up is challenging and freeing, all at the same time. All while teens are pushing against boundaries and making scary decisions about relationships, deciding about safe sex and drinking and driving; they're also freaked out by all the choices. They aren't sure they can do all this grown up stuff. It doesn't help matters that we, as their parents, are also freaked out. Scared out of our minds that they'll do something--in the invincibility of youth--that will end or damage their lives.

Lots of fear.

When my daughters got to this point, their dad and I knew temptations were all around them, just as opportunities were. I also knew that their friends were very important and, potentially, the ones who'd join them or entice them into doing stupid things.

So, I told them to go ahead and blame me. If ever they were faced with a challenging, tempting, scary, unsafe thing--just tell their friends that their mom was a bitch and wouldn't let them do whatever.

To some extent, this is also the therapist's role. Whether we like it or not, people quote us and blame us and say we told them to leave their relationships or jobs. They had to do it because their therapist said so.

(Just between the two of us, I don't ever tell clients what to do--about relationships, jobs, parenting or anything. I do, however, reflect back to them what I hear them telling me. If their in an abusive marriage or job and they tell me about being screamed at and hit, I'm gonna reflect this back to them. Sometimes hearing someone else say the facts sounds really different.) This is your life, I don't get to live it. You're in the best position to make your own choices.

I've said before that being a parent is one of the hardest roles a person can take on in this life. Sitting by and watching your kid's choices can be very difficult. Whenever we love someone, we open our hearts to being effected by what they do.

But they need to jump out and make their own choices. We may want to put  pads down to cushion their falls, but when they're teens, we can't do this. We shouldn't do this. Continuing to try and guide your child's choices when he's an adult gives the scary, disturbing message that you don't think he can handle life himself.

This isn't usually what we mean, at all. We're just used to the active parenting role and we're scared silly. But we have to let our children grow up. Just like letting them learn to walk(even though they got bruised when they fell), we have to let them prove to themselves that they can do this. They can handle their lives.

We stand by, believing in them, letting them blame us and we convey our caring to them. We try to be helpful without getting in the way.

This is love and sometimes it sucks.

DARK, DIRTY SECRETS

Everyone has moments they're not proud of--mistakes they made or bad choices they regret. Some, though, have secrets they hide in shame. Clients sometimes tell me about these, confessing in hushed, halted voices to sins they can't forget or forgive themselves for.

They fear the consequences of these secrets ever becoming known, but more than this, they spend a huge amount of energy keeping these hidden.

For some time now, I've been a fan of the website postsecret(dot)com. In complete anonymity, individuals submit postcards with their secrets, some graphically conveyed as art and others simply scrawled out. They are sometimes heartbreaking and occasionally funny, but they always share a message the writer feels they couldn't tell the world. What grew from a simple experiment has become a worldwide phenomenon with multiple books, exhibits and tours.

All because we have secrets we feel are too shameful or too explosive to share.

At these various events, an opportunity is presented for attendees to come to a microphone and tell the audience their secret--aloud. It's like ripping off a Band-aid and those who've stood before the microphone say it's relieving, healing and very powerful.

That's the thing about secrets; it takes a lot of work to hide them.

When clients tell me their shameful secrets, these often fall into either things the individual as done or things that were done to them. The sad thing is that we tend to take responsibility for even those things that were done to us, as if somehow the victim caused the action. Individuals who have had mates cheat on them feel this way, fearing they somehow caused this to happen. People who were physically or sexually abused as children often feel as if they caused it. Somehow even if we didn't do the terrible thing, we can feel ashamed and dirty.

Some people become very good at distracting themselves and never thinking about their shame--except when it pops up, ugly and painful.

But darkness only makes secrets grow more powerful.

Keeping these guarded and boarded inside you takes a lot of energy. Energy that you could use to achieve your goals or that would simply help you relax. Even if you were the one who committed the crime, caused the terrible thing to happen or hurt someone else, forgiving yourself is the first step toward learning from that horrible moment.

And learning from your choices and mistakes helps you to move forward. It salvages the good from a bad situation.

Secrets can pull us under. It's important not to let the darkness claim you. Even those who sin--who make bad, bad choices--can learn and move forward.

REASONS FOR STAYING IN A BAD MARRIAGE

Whether or not you leave a dysfunctional relationship is completely your decision. No one has the right to tell you what to do, no matter how close they are to you or what kind of degrees they have.

Not long ago, I was contacted by a man who was angry because his ex-girlfriend claimed that I'd told her to leave him. Not guilty here. It may have made him feel better to blame her therapist, but I don't think what she does with her relationship is my call. I don't give an opinion as to what any given person should or shouldn't do with their relationship. I may reflect your opinion back to you--tell you what I hear you saying--but I don't get a vote in your ultimate choice. Some people come to therapy, asking whether they should leave their relationships. Sorry, not my decision.

That said, let me tell you the reasons people cite for staying in a marriage that is distressing or unhappy for them--

1. Kids. Most often, parents who are considering separation or divorce tell me they don't want to have their children grow up in a split family. Some couples argue horribly and, of course, this is damaging both to the individuals in the relationship and to their children. Professionals agree that listening to parental arguments or witnessing physical fights between parents is scary and abusive for kids.

Most parents in this kind of situation, however, insist that their children have no idea the relationship is unhappy. To support this, they say they never fight in front of the kids. While it's good not to subject your children to the disharmony between you, children are rarely oblivious to your relationship conflicts. Sad to say, you're just not that good at pretending, no matter how good you are at pretending. I've have middle-school-aged kids tell me they wished their parents would just divorce already. Kids are there all the time. They know the reality of your marriage.

2. Family. Some people dislike or barely tolerate their in-laws, but some love them. They even stay in relationships they don't like because they do like their in-laws. If you've been part of the extended family for a number of years, you can be really attached to your mate's parents. You may have had unhappy experiences with your own parents and you've taken your mate's family as your own. Separation and divorce will change this relationship, to some degree. Even when everyone is trying to be civil, these ties will be strained.

When it comes to picking sides--and people usually feel they need to--your in-laws are going to pick their biological children. Expect this. There are some exceptions to this rule, but not many. (Smart grandparents, however, learn to be decent to the ex if they don't want hard feelings to effect the kids.)

3. Lifestyle/Income. Don't be too quick to judge yourself or others on this one. When you've become accustomed to the money you've had in the marriage, it can be really difficult to step down. You may have to live in a bad area if you leave. The car you'd be driving might be a clunker. You may not be able to give your kids everything you feel you should. It can sound shallow to let income determine whether you leave a relationship, but there are a web of complex issues involved in this kind of situation. Usually, you don't hate your significant other. You don't want him or her to suffer a crippling disease and die, even if things have gotten pretty tough.

You share friends and activities and cars. If you leave, your life may have to change quite a bit. This can make you wonder if the situation is so unlivable.

4. History. You may have years together and that shared history feels like an investment you don't want to give up on. Even when the bulk of those years hasn't been so hot, you still feel a connection. You've jointly graduated, moved, dealt with loss, welcomed children and built friendships--throwing all this away can be scary, even when it's really bad between you. After all, you've dealt with the problems a long time.

This is a powerful thing--shared history. Think of the people from high school or college that you've friended on FaceBook, even though you didn't like them much or hang out with them when you were younger. Having a past together makes some people feel bonded. You can forget that the history wasn't good. Some people even continue to hang out with friends who stole boyfriends or girlfriends from them.

5. Fear. Being alone scares the crap out of a lot of people. Even really attractive people struggle with anxiety that they won't find anyone else if they leave a bad relationship. This is such a strong issue for many that they stay where they aren't happy or connect up with random people to keep from being alone. Some split up and go out searching for a new mate the next weekend.

Don't judge yourself for this fear. Many share it. There's something about silent homes and not having a significant person on speed dial that freaks many out. We are by nature social creatures, preferring to connect than to live alone. True, if your relationship has been really bad, you may dream of being alone, but alone isn't what most want long term. 

6. You Don't Want To Be The One Who Quit. This can feel a little like a stand-off with individuals trying to wait it out and make the other one leave first. They don't want the stigma they think comes with breaking things off. I've had people tell me that their mates are being specifically difficult just to get them to leave first. Its like playing chicken. This almost comes down to who "wins" and who "loses". When I ask who will care about this, individuals tend to be vague, citing "friends" or children. Mostly, it seems individuals themselves are the biggest judge of whether they did "everything they could" to make the relationship work.

In this era of multiple relationships and marriages, this seems particularly ironic, as if there is a cosmic score card here.

Why you stay or whether you stay is no body's business, but your own. However, you deserve a relationship that is healthy and happy. Enduring a bad marriage doesn't make sense. Focus your energies on fixing the problems--and you have half of the input here.

Change your part. Then you can decide whether it's better for you to leave or to stay.

LOUDER ISN'T BETTER

What do you do when it doesn't seem like the person you're talking to is listening?

Every one of us has had a situation in which we didn't feel heard. People often talk of communication problems, but what we normally do when we don't feel understood or when we're angry is to raise our voices. We speak louder, usually yelling hostile words, as if calling someone names and saying loud, ugly things makes them more understanding.

When it comes to communication, louder isn't better.

I know, however, that you get mad when you're not heard. This is a very natural thing, but you need to think about whether your natural reaction is working.

Remember the times in your life when you've been yelled at. Have you suddenly realized the error of your ways and started trying really hard to communicate with whoever was yelling at you? No, you usually yell back.

I was driving my lovely car this morning when--for some random reason--several incidents in my past popped into my head. Both happened when I was a teen and both were linked to not-the-best teen driving behavior. In both incidents, I was in the wrong. Once a total stranger yelled at me, but the other time the yeller was a person well-known to me. In neither case, did I then hear what was said. Let me repeat that both times I'd committed a driving infraction. I see that now, but I didn't see it then. I also didn't know why the other person was angry. The point was lost. I was only aware of being yelled at.

I didn't hear the words, just the emotion. In general, when we feel upset, angry or frustrated, we tend to yell. But louder isn't better when you actually want to be heard.

It may not make sense, but we're more likely to raise our voices with the ones we love. Parents yell at their kids; people yell at their mates. We have an epidimic of poor communication and we're strangely more hesitant to use loud, insulting language with people we don't know. (Unlike the stranger who yelled at me for my bad driving.)

Sometimes, we rely on anonimity. We yell if we're not likely to get caught. 

The reality is that volume communicates emotion, not much else. When you hollar, the people you're yelling at get that you're angry. They don't tend to hear your actual words, though. I've had parents tell me that their children don't hear them until they yell, but the problem isn't that they were speaking too quietly before. Kids usually are very smart at knowing when you're about to actually follow-through. They know if they can wait to turn off their video games or clean up their rooms until you start yelling. Then it's serious.

But if this communication pattern makes you crazy, stop the yelling and start following-through quietly, after having spoken once. If you want your loved ones to hear you, speak in a level voice, but take action. It's not always true that people do what's important when spoken to in a level voice, but if you're going to be understood, you need to make sure your speech isn't communicating communication-blocking emotions . Adapting this way will help your vocal cords and your blood pressure.

Stop yelling. Start acting.

IT HAS TO BE DIFFERENT...

Infidelity rips relationships up and recovery is difficult. Some people walk away from situations where someone has cheated, unable or unwilling to continue once trust has been broken. Others stay for a variety of reasons. This is a very personal choice and no one but the parties involved get to vote on whether the relationship continues. Friends and family spout opinions about what you should do, but this isn't their call. It's yours. If you stay, however, don't think you can forgive and move on together without some major relationship reconstruction.

Something has to be different and different in a big way.

For infidelity to occur, the primary relationship has to be previously broken. Lots of people want to deny this, saying everything was great between them and their partners, but this just isn't so. Even if you didn't know things were this bad--and lots of very intelligent people don't know--the cheater has to have been unhappy or unresolved in some way.

Getting over this kind of breach in a relationship--and some relationships do heal--requires you to address the problems that were there in the first place. Some of this repair is individual on the cheaters part and some involves how the relationship worked and didn't work.

In no way am I implying that the non-cheating spouse is responsible for the infidelity. This cannot be stressed too much. Whoever unzipped their pants and chose to have sex outside the relationship is responsible for this choice. Even if the non-cheating spouse was a bitch sometimes, she didn't cause the infidelity.

This is a big deal. If the non-cheating spouse chooses to leave the relationship, he or she can wonder if somehow it was their fault. Nope. You had a lot to do with how the relationship worked, but you didn't make your mate cheat.

That said, something was broken or you wouldn't be in this spot. If you're going to stay in the relationship, the problems need to be addressed and resolved.

Difficulty communicating is usually at the bottom of relationship issues. You may be talking to one another, but you're not hearing each other. While it's very important that your mate hears you, you also need to make sure you're listening. Lots of clients tell me they listen, but their partners tell a different story. Sometimes even as the one mate insists he or she listens, the other mate is shaking his or her head.

Make no mistake--listening is hard. You may love your partner deeply, but it can still be difficult to communicate and you can believe your hearing her, but totally miss what she's saying. I speak from experience when I say this. Listening, with no interruptions(even when he's wrong) is difficult. You probably disagree with lots of what he's saying. (If he's calling you names, however, we're not in a communication situation.) He may be misquoting you and saying things you really disagree with.

You still need to keep quiet and listen. Imagine you're taking notes in a class and you're going to be tested over the material. Absorb what he's saying and don't interject or interrupt. Then, when he's through, repeat back to him what he said to you. You want him to know that you heard what he said. You'll probably be wrong the first time and he'll say, "No! No! That wasn't what I said."

If this happens, tell him to give it to you again and again work really hard to get what he's trying to say. When you've gotten his communication right, it's your turn and he needs to really listen to you.

Effective communication will help you get to the root of the issues in the relationship.

When couples try to rebuild after infidelity, several things almost always occur--the victim mate has lots and lots of questions and he or she is driven to check all email accounts, as well as, the cheater's phone. Not allowing access is  pretty much a deal-breaker for most.

This isn't a matter of "getting back" to what it once was between you, things need to be better than they were before. It has to be different.