SECURITY MATES

Some say it's a relief to be alone after a terrible relationship ends, but most don't feel this way. Many people--in all walks of life--barely wait for their current relationships to be declared dead before they sign up for an on-line dating site or head out to the bars. It's like a relay race where the baton cannot be dropped. You must have a new date/mate before the old one falls away.

Lets just admit it, being alone scares the heck out of most people and this can lead to some questionable relationship choices.

Some people chose to stay in their current relationships--even though they aren't happy there and may be very unhappy--because they'd rather have a bad mate than no mate at all.

Others have hooked up with an almost-mate. You know, he's almost what they want, but not really. He's interested in her/her parents like him/he goes to the same church--or my favorite--she's known him forever. Like this somehow makes an unhappy relationship better.

I get that a shared history is a shared something, but you deserve more than familiarity.

Not long ago, an elderly, infirm male relative of mine was widowed. He'd catered to and waited on his former wife to a great extent their whole married life and, when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They were both in a nursing facility, at that point, and she hadn't recognized him for some time, but her death set him into a spin. He began proposing to other women he'd known all his life. Pretty much any woman he knew who was somewhat close in age. Never mind if he hadn't ever had an intimate or more-than-friendly relationship with her or if he even lived in the same state.

When she died, he lost a role he felt he needed to maintain, so he was looking for a stand-in. A replacement of sorts.

We can look sadly upon the behavior of an old man, but the desire to be connected to someone--anyone--seems to be a human tendency. We do better when connected to others. Living in complete isolation tends to make us a little crazy--even in prison, inmates prefer some contact--but security mates aren't usually the best answer.

We need to learn to create more effective connections--and more of them. Getting into a relationship out of fear of being alone can cloud your judgment and lead to bad choices.

Being alone now doesn't mean you'll always be alone and even if you don't have a mate, you can invest in the people around you. Making a difference by giving of yourself to others can be very rewarding and can pave the way to making life-long relationships.

A bad relationship isn't better than no relationship, at all. Trust me on this.

FORGIVE, BUT FORGET?

The importance of forgiving your enemies is getting lots of attention these days, but it's harder to forgive those who are not your enemies. Injury or betrayal by a loved one is much more painful. And what's with the "forgetting" thing? Is it good to forget about an offense done to you? Do you have to "forget" in order to truly forgive?

From one perspective, it's important to not forget the circumstances of an offense/injury. Understanding is way more important than forgetting.

I think the intent behind this "forgetting" thing is good. We've all done destructive, hurtful things and, if the injured party continually brings up our foolish behavior even after they say they've forgiven us, we don't feel forgiven. Not really. I get that, but I still contend that you need to remember and fully understand the relationship history.

There are some who misunderstand the way forgiveness works. You can forgive in an "absentia" sort of. You know, forgive a random fool who injured you because you don't want to drain your own life energy by hating him/her? Like when you've been the victim of a crime or a loved one has been snatched away by some horrible means? The problem comes when you forgive and forget in a relationship. This can unfortunately take place without either of you really understanding what the hell happened.

It's no good to forgive if the same offense/situation will simply reoccur.

Forgiveness requires change and change requires both parties to understand what happened. This is most important in relationships. You can say you're sorry--and you probably are--but if the relationship is to be different, you need to understand why you did whatever you did.

This kind of situation arises when one person in a relationship cheats--or leaves and returns. Often, they promise never to commit this breach again, but that kind of promise needs understanding behind it. If not, the one promising is just setting him/herself up for failure. And in a relationship, this kind of failure pierces every one's heart.

The relationship needs to be different after the offense. It needs to work well for everyone so we don't create opportunities for further offenses. Change can happen. People deal with all sorts of things in relationships and, if they really learn from whatever was going on, they can heal and move forward.

But forgetting isn't usually a desirable goal.

THE URGE TO DIAGNOSES

"My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We don't fight a lot, but when we do, it's terrible. A yr ago, we got into a couple of knock-down drag-outs where he called me ugly names and insulted me cruelly. I slapped him twice. He quickly let me know that this was a break-it issue for him and I promised to never do it again and I haven't since. My problem now is that there's a huge double standard in our marriage. It ranges from simple things--he's very sensitive and gets very upset with me if I snap at him or am short with him, but he snaps and is short with me. He makes snide remarks to me and doesn't think anything of it. If we get into arguments, he's ALWAYS threatens divorce, telling me he doesn't love me. He leaves and spends nights elsewhere. Several times, I've asked him not to do this, but he seems to have decided to keep doing this rather than taking a breath and really thinking about things when we argue. I'm in really a bad state about this mentally.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should give up on the marriage. I think he truly believes he's better than me, so to speak. He's actually admitted this when we were arguing. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he respects me or cares about my needs. I need to know- 1) does this sound like a marriage doomed for failure? 2) how can I get him to stop some of these behaviors since asking him to isn't working? 3) any other suggestions u may have"--Should I Leave

 

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Dear "Should I",

 

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. No one else gets to vote on this, but as I read your email, I found myself wondering how you'd come to the conclusion that your husband loves you. You said he's admitted--when you were arguing--that he thinks he's better than you and he's talked repeatedly about divorce. You also said he snaps at you and tells you he doesn't love you.

 

What the heck!

 

Still, the two of you are together and that must mean there is some value for you in the relationship. You're the only one who gets to decide whether that's enough to make it worth your while to stay.

 

The two of you clearly do not know how to actually listen to one another. I'll bet that the hurling of insults and the threats of divorce come after one or both of you are very frustrated, feeling the other isn't listening. The challenge with employing this vital behavior in relationships is that you get all tangled up in your own emotions. It's hard to hear his feelings without interrupting, rushing to conclusions or tuning out while you formulate your own response to whatever he's saying.

 

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THE URGE TO DIAGNOSE

 

 

All too often, clients sit in my office and talk of their relationship issues, pausing to tell me earnestly that they think their--lover, spouse, child, sister, et cetera--is bipolar or depressed and should be medicated. I'm a therapist, not a psychiatrist, so it's not even an option for me to medicate anyone. Even if I could, I don't think it would solve all their problems.

 

In this era of increased acceptance of mental health issues, we often get confused between diagnosable illness and relationship issues. Even people with no label have relationship challenges. Since the clients venturing into the diagnostic arena have no training in the field, their musing about the potential problems of their loved ones can only indicate that they're trying to figure their mess out. Completely understandable. Whatever relationship is causing you grief, you naturally want to understand it.

 

We want reasons. They seem to make life more manageable.

 

Medication can be helpful for the severely depressed, but most individuals don't fall into this category. Your loved ones can be difficult to live with and make very challenging choices without being either depressed or bipolar.

 

Use a great deal of caution in throwing around diagnoses; the person on the other end won't likely forget and your accusation of mental illness won't help the relationship find resolution.





KIDS: MISBEHAVIOR & FEAR

Your child's words of anger may upset you, but it's important to realize that they're pipsqueaks. You're the big dog, even though you may not feel like it and you may not know what to do to get them to behave or to eat sensibly.

As crazy as it sounds to frustrated, well-meaning parents, children are very aware of being smaller and weaker than adults. Even teens--the terror of the parenting world--are fearful of what lies ahead. They don't feel capable of handling the world and they need you as much as they hate needing you.

You need to be the rock.

I know you don't always feel like a rock and you're very aware of your own shortcomings and your many parenting mistakes. Your children, however, know they need you. They also love you and get scared when you're angry or upset. You see the mad (and, really, wouldn't you rather they be pains with you than with others who don't love them?) You get the dirty rooms and the teacher conferences that make you feel inadequate. You struggle to pay the bills and you're often the one dealing with ex-spouses over child support and visitation.

Being a parent isn't a picnic, but being a kid is hard, too.

Often when children misbehave and act like total jerks, they're scared. They need to know you're there and you'll protect them. They need you to discipline them so they learn consequences. You've taken on the job of parenting--one of the hardest on this earth--and you're all the lies between your kids and a scary world. It's more than keeping them safe from strangers. You also have the job of keeping them safe from your friends and relatives! They rely on your watchful eye and they rarely thank you for it.

You screw up; we all do. You make lousy relationship choices. You may have struggled with appropriate alcohol use and you may also be putting yourself through college.

They may rarely tell you how much they rely on you, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

Even though they get mad.... Even though they're jerks sometimes.

WORKING MY WAY OUT OF A JOB

After several weeks or months of therapy, some of clients just go away. And this is okay, although I do prefer them to cancel or just not reschedule. No shows are a waste of my time and are particularly frustrating when I have others waiting for open appointment times.

Still, I get it. Knowing how to leave the therapy experience can be difficult. Therapy is by nature a connected interaction. Regardless which particular theory any counselor subscribes to, they've all be trained to offer a sensitive, aware presence to clients. Therapists are taught to listen. We're trained not to judge because 1). it doesn't help the therapy process and 2). we all screw up sometimes. Some therapists are better than others at conveying warmth and acceptance--even when you struggle to accept yourself.

Seeking therapy can feel weird. Clients walk in, sit down and pour out their most personal struggles to a complete stranger. Weird.

If the therapist is good at her job, clients leave with both a feeling of having been accepted and with some insight about the difficulties in their lives. This is after all, the point of the whole thing.

I often tell clients that I'm in the business of working my way out of a job. I hope to assist to the point that clients no longer need to come in. It can be awkward, however, for clients to know how to leave. Some people grow beyond the struggles that brought them into therapy--they learn how to handle their challenges. Some decide they don't want to deal with--or can't decide how to deal with--the issues that brought them into therapy. So they stop coming. Of course, some clients just don't click with a therapist and don't get anything out of their sessions. This is usually evident to the client--although not always to the therapist--pretty early on in the relationship.

At the end of sessions, I habitually ask clients whether they want to call if they'd like to reschedule or if they want to set up a time then. I do this to avoid the impression that I'm in charge of this therapy--this is your situation and you have the right to decide how to proceed. Yes, I'm the highly-trained professional. I have no problem reflecting your dilemma and presenting the various options to the challenges you face. But I'm very aware that you get to drive your own therapy. This is your life and your call. It's totally your game.

Some clients, after developing a relationship with me as their therapist and having found value in returning for sessions, have a hard time knowing when to stop coming. I just want to say this--you can tell me when you think you don't need to come in again. I'm certainly okay with this. The whole purpose of our time together is for you to make your decisions/decide how to handle your complicated relationships/come to recognize ways to handle your depression or anxiety. When you're less distressed and ready to leave therapy, just tell me. I'm all good with that.

Sometimes when a client expresses success or improvement, I talk gently about seeing them every other week or about them calling me if they'd like to see me again. I don't do this because I'm tired of their problems or because I think they should handle things on their own. I just want clients to know that I'm okay with them not coming back.

The whole point of this thing is for you not to need me anymore. Some clients express anxiety at the thought of not coming back for their regular sessions. I always point out their successes and stress they can always call me, if difficulties again arise. I'm not going anywhere.

I love your feeling better. When you get tired of coming in or when your life is smoothing out, just tell me.

COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

"I have 2 sons and a daughter. My oldest son is married 10 years with 3 kids. His oldest is a step-daughter, who's 15. He also has 2 younger sons, ages 10 and 5.  When my daughter came to visit recently, I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She invited my daughter-in-law to go shopping with my granddaughter, her and me. When my daughter-in-law said she didn't want to go, my daughter's feelings were hurt, but she said nothing. We went ahead without my son's wife and my daughter insisted on paying for everything. Later, we took the boys on a day out and she paid for everything then, too.

When we were all at my house hanging out later, my granddaughter was disrespectful to her aunt (my daughter). Her aunt (my daughter) asked her to apologize, but she would not, walking out. My son then exploded, yelling at his sister. He said his step-daughter didn't need to apologize and that they were all leaving. I said my granddaughter should apologise for being disrespectful. My son got angry, saying that she was his child and she would never apologize. He asked how we dared 'gang up' on a 15 year old. When his wife and I tried to calm him down, he made a fist at me. He dragged my 10 and 5 years old out of the house, much to their surprise.

I don't know what to do now. I'm afaid I will not get to see my grandsons. My son kept them from us about 4 years ago, when he was mad at us . It made me almost suicidal. My daughter is upset about the whole mess, as am I. Things were said on both sides that are hard to forgive. But one thing I know for sure is that my granddaughter needs to apologize, as she's been rude to me, too. I let it go, but no more. I love her very much, but I won't see her until she apologizes. I think my son made things much worse. Please help us. I want to mend my family."--Distressed Grandmother

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Dear Distressed,

 

You say you want to mend the family, but you're also very clear that you must get an apology from your granddaughter. Since your son reacted the way he did, you know that he won't be enforcing this with his daughter.

 

From your son's reaction to your daughter's run-in with his daughter, I suspect there are unresolved family issues. He may feel you've always favored her or that she's generally unfair to his step-daughter. I don't know. It's also possible that, since you were having a family get-together, he was drinking and , therefore, more belligerent. You seem convinced that your daughter was innocent in this situation and that your son is way out-of-line.

 

I suggest you talk with your son about this, with no one else present besides perhaps his wife. When I say talk to him, I really mean that you need to listen to his side of this. You may not agree with his take on everything, but you need to know where he's coming from. The granddaughter's apology isn't the biggest issue, from the sounds of it, and a forced apology is meaningless.

 

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COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

 

It is a sad fact that many do not understand the effect they have on others. Some people appear to view conversations as a lecture opportunity with them pontificating about whatever and the other person unhappily nodding once in a while. Lots of things can motivate this behavior--simple low self-esteem, anxiety with the people in the situation or chronic unawareness of others. Regardless, the one nodding generally won't want to interact again with the one lecturing.

 

The hardest thing--and the most effective tool--is to ask about and listen to the other person's life. If you want to create interactions that leave those you're speaking with looking forward to talking with you more, practice listening to them. Hear what interests them and what troubles them. Be able to echo back to them what they said to you and they'll know you heard them.

 

The best conversationalists make their listeners look good. Don't worry that you'll never be heard yourself. When someone sees you as engaged with them in their interests, they're much more likely to wonder what you have to say. 

GIVING UP

Lots of couples come to see me when their relationships have been in trouble for a long while. When I ask why they are still together, couples sometimes readily say they still love one another. Some couples, however, admit they just hate giving up.

Confronting relationship problems isn't fun, particularly when they've experienced a lot of failure and nothing seems to work. Knowing what to do in a relationship is made even more difficult when you "get over" the fight and things seem better for a while. Couples fight, then they make up and hope the problems will never resurface. But they usually do.

Resolving relationship conflict is the goal, but this can be very hard to do. Most couples volunteer that the issues that have brought them to the brink of separation were there at the beginning. They just didn't want to see it and didn't think these problems were that significant.

It can be weird to come into a stranger's office and talk all about your personal life.

But giving up on your relationship can be very hard, particularly if you have children together. When conflict has been frequent, couples sometimes want to disconnect from the troubled part of the relationship, while still hanging on to fun parts. This can lead to the murky area of "staying friends". Usually, one half of a couple comes up with this, insisting that the two stay in contact, exchanging phone calls and emails. This is generally desired by the one who is leaving the relationship. The remaining partner, distressed and upset by the potential break-up, sometimes clings to the offer of friendship, hoping this will one day return to romantic involvement.

Some people suggest friendship when they don't want to hurt the partner they're leaving. Some even say they might eventually get back together. This isn't kind, however, as the remaining partner lives in limbo, not moving on, clinging to the hope that this pseudo-friendship offers.

The concept of never giving up may make sense in a sporting sense, but not in relationships. If the interaction is abusive, ugly and negative, giving up may be the rational thing to do.

Relationships are complicated and thrilling. The hardest thing we do in this world is interact with one another.

I'm generally in favor of clients learning how to make their relationships work, but every now and then, someone comes into my office, already having decided they need to leave. This is a personal prerogative. Only the person in the relationship can make this decision. No one else--not your counselor, your pastor or your mother--gets the right to tell you what you ought to do about your relationship. Others can share perspectives and opinions, but you are the one living in it.

If you're done, you're done. No one telling you that you should stay makes the situation workable for you.