SECURITY MATES

Some say it's a relief to be alone after a terrible relationship ends, but most don't feel this way. Many people--in all walks of life--barely wait for their current relationships to be declared dead before they sign up for an on-line dating site or head out to the bars. It's like a relay race where the baton cannot be dropped. You must have a new date/mate before the old one falls away.

Lets just admit it, being alone scares the heck out of most people and this can lead to some questionable relationship choices.

Some people chose to stay in their current relationships--even though they aren't happy there and may be very unhappy--because they'd rather have a bad mate than no mate at all.

Others have hooked up with an almost-mate. You know, he's almost what they want, but not really. He's interested in her/her parents like him/he goes to the same church--or my favorite--she's known him forever. Like this somehow makes an unhappy relationship better.

I get that a shared history is a shared something, but you deserve more than familiarity.

Not long ago, an elderly, infirm male relative of mine was widowed. He'd catered to and waited on his former wife to a great extent their whole married life and, when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They were both in a nursing facility, at that point, and she hadn't recognized him for some time, but her death set him into a spin. He began proposing to other women he'd known all his life. Pretty much any woman he knew who was somewhat close in age. Never mind if he hadn't ever had an intimate or more-than-friendly relationship with her or if he even lived in the same state.

When she died, he lost a role he felt he needed to maintain, so he was looking for a stand-in. A replacement of sorts.

We can look sadly upon the behavior of an old man, but the desire to be connected to someone--anyone--seems to be a human tendency. We do better when connected to others. Living in complete isolation tends to make us a little crazy--even in prison, inmates prefer some contact--but security mates aren't usually the best answer.

We need to learn to create more effective connections--and more of them. Getting into a relationship out of fear of being alone can cloud your judgment and lead to bad choices.

Being alone now doesn't mean you'll always be alone and even if you don't have a mate, you can invest in the people around you. Making a difference by giving of yourself to others can be very rewarding and can pave the way to making life-long relationships.

A bad relationship isn't better than no relationship, at all. Trust me on this.