COMFORTING OTHERS

Being around a grieving person can be really awkward. Whether this individual is mourning the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, it can be hard to know what to say to him.

Some people just flat out avoid individuals dealing with these kinds of losses. They may feel bad about doing so, but they don't know what to say or do. But grieving people are very aware of who is and who isn't there for them, sometimes leaving hard feelings.

They sometimes tell me about it.

Still--do you send flowers? Do you tell them their loved one is "out of pain" now or that they're well out of what you thought was a bad relationship? What the heck to you do?

Knowing how they're reacting to this loss is very difficult! They could be all over the map. It's true that--unless you know specifically what the other person feels about the loss--offering solutions or making statements about the situation can be fraught with pitfalls.

Those who have suffered losses usually have a list of stupid things people said to them in their moment of bereavement. In attempting to offer comfort, people blunder along, making comments that not only don't comfort, but can be hurtful and annoying. You might assure the grieving person that the one they lost is "with God in heaven" when she not only doesn't believe in heaven, but isn't comforted by the loved one being anywhere but with her. If the person you're attempting to comfort is sad over the loss of a relationship, you may be tempted to say you've "never liked him" or to list all the annoying things he did.

So here's a Comforting-Others 101 guide:

1. Whatever the situation or however you personally feel about their loss--don't say they're "well out of it." You may be doing cartwheels at the end of a very destructive relationship(me, when my daughter got a divorce), but never, never let on to this.

2. Listen to what the grieving person says to you. This is your best key to knowing how the heck to respond. Even though you may have different beliefs about death, don't rush in to share these. Trust me, you have a better chance at offending than comforting.

3. Let yourself be simple. Don't try to fix it or distract the grieving person out of his sadness. Don't try to make it better--in that grief-filled moment, they don't believe they'll ever feel better and you don't get points for saying they will.

4. Do simple, helpful things. I once had a friend offer to clean and fill a grieving friend's refrigerator. Basic things can be very appreciated.

5. Key to all this is to take your cue from the one who's suffering. Be with when she wants someone to be there. Leave her alone when she wants to be alone.

6. Don't expect others to grieve like you do. This can be hard because we usually tend to come from our own perspective, but resist the urge.

Sometimes, the greatest comfort is just having someone there. Not that they say anything brilliant or magically take the pain away. As a therapist, I sometimes see grieving individuals who just need someone to listen. That can be the greatest comfort.