OBSTUCTIVE PARENTING

The last thing most parents want to do is get in the way of their kids' happiness, but being a parent is one of the most up-close, challenging jobs in the world. We can actually end up hurting the very kids we love so desperately.

Take the most obvious example--actively trying to keep kids from spending time with a parent you're no longer with. Endless numbers of experts have made statements about parents not fighting in front of kids and that kids need both parents in their lives, if at all possible. Lots of research indicates that children without fathers have a harder time in school and in life and few would dispute that mothers are massively important.

The people who ignore court-ordered visitation of the non-custodial parent and throw up every boundary to keep the kids away, they aren't primarily concerned with what's happening to their children. These folks are mad and use every weapon at their disposal to punish the ex. Sadly, in doing this, they most hurt the kids they are supposed to love. You know, the weapons.

It is ironic, that we can also get in our kids way--not only by keeping loved ones away from them--but by giving too much to the children we love. Yes, you need to check the urge to give your kids the things you didn't have. Although you probably hated those character-building moments when you struggled for everything you got, you probably benefited from the struggle. You got a great gift--if you gave yourself credit for your achievements. You learned that you can make your world what you need it to be. You proved you have the power to make stuff happen.

Everyone knows an adult still living in his or her parent's basement--not working or going to school. Lots of folks lost jobs in the economic downturn or struggled to make a living at a low-paying jobs, but some kids (using the term loosely here) never make the shift to making their own way in life. One of the worst things parents can do for a child is to give him everything.

Good parenting is about loving kids--making sure they are safe and secure when they are young and getting the heck out of the way as they grow older. This last part can be difficult because it sometimes means standing back and watching while our children struggle. This is painfully hard.

Whether your ex is a jerk who skips visitation and you have the urge to lie to your kids about "daddy loves you, he's just working" or if you just really hate our ex, staying out of the relationship gives your kid the best shot. Many parents who try to obstruct the ex's parental involvement say they're just trying to protect the child, but children need to begin dealing with the realities of life, so they start believing in they're own power.

They also need to earn their perks.

Give your children the things they need--clothes to keep them warm and a safe place to live. Believe in them. Listen to them when they talk about their challenges, but remember, the parenting role is designed to move from all-caretaking to all-cheering. Verb to noun. Action to description. You parent when they are younger; you are a parent, when they become adults.

Giving them all the luxuries of life may be fun for parents, but it doesn't help them build the muscles they need to do the heavily lifting that life requires. Don't step in when your kids can handle their own challenges...and they can do this more often than parents think.

When my eldest child worked at 6 Flags, she called in sick to play hooky one day. Her boss called the house to check on her and her father and I innocently said she was at work. She was busted. Although it was difficult, when she showed up home later, we took her car and sent her back to work--in the family sedan--to face her boss.

The most powerful gift you give your child is believing in his capacity to handle difficult things. That means, you not always rushing to the rescue.